In this episode you’re going to hear the story of Joseph Belfield a dad who found his identity and purpose through childhood trauma and abuse. His story has inspired many towards healing and realizing their own identity and purpose.

You can get Joseph Belfield's book here: https://a.co/d/9YCknw4

To connect personally with Joseph Belfield you can reach him at:

https://www.facebook.com/joseph.belfield

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Transcription - Severe Trauma to Identity and Purpose

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In a moment you're gonna hear the story of a dad who found his identity in purpose through childhood trauma and abuse.

His story has inspired many towards healing and realizing their own identity in purpose.

You'll hear his story in just a moment so don't go anywhere.

Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere, to take great pride in their role.

And a challenge society to understand how important fathers are to the stability and culture of their family's environment.

Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.

Greetings everyone. Thank you so much for joining me. I'm joined by Joseph Belfield who's an author and a dad and is here to share his story so we don't want to waste another minute.

Joseph, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.

Thank you for having me.

Joseph, let's start with one of my favorite traditions. What is your favorite dad joke?

How did Joseph prepare his coffee? He brewed.

[laughs]

I love that one. I love it.

Joseph, let's start from the very beginning. What was your childhood like and how did your life change from there?

I grew up in a broken home. My parents were divorced. I was the second of five kids.

I grew up in very abusive relationship with my dad.

I learned at a young age to take the abuse and just to use that abuse to spare my four other siblings.

But as I grew up into a young teenage, it turned into a sexual abuse by my dad and my brother.

So from there I've just turned into a life of drugs into my later teens and later years.

I mean, it was just a very rough start in the whole time going up. I always dealt alone and just not able to understand why things were happening.

At the whole time I kept searching for God and wanting God to help me.

But in praying and praying and it seemed every morning I'd wake up right back to the same misery and the same pains.

But to grow from there I've learned to now accept God and accept you at times where you are going to be asking for his help and his salvation and his love that I might not see it right away.

But if I allow myself, I will find it and it's there for us at all times.

And what about your dad? How did your dad grow up?

My dad grew up in a very apparently abusive relationship, relationship family dynamics.

Not so much on my granddad's side but for my grandmother's.

They were like 13 siblings in a two bedroom house.

Apparently the sexual abuse was very rampant in that lifestyle back then.

And it was his philosophy was you know what just happened back then. It happens now.

But that's how he learned how to deal with things and do things. So he just continued that cycle of abuse and he was a drunk and his parents were into alcohol as well.

So it was just one cycle after another.

How many generations back does this go at least from what you're aware of?

From what I'm aware of at least three generations.

Bruno is a guest I've had on at least three times on this program and he speaks often of what we call the generational train where within our family there are certain addictions that can go several generations back.

And the turning point is when we become aware that first of all we're on this generation train and we understand what car we're writing in.

And how far back that train goes at least from what we can tell or what we see and know.

And that tells us everything we need to know about what preparations we should make maybe what changes we should make in our own life to protect ourselves and to protect the next generation from writing that same train.

So I think that's powerful that you were aware of that and that you understood that.

And it was like like I said even growing up as a kid you know you always heard well my parents did that to us you know if I said this or did that my parents would do this so it's like it was ingrained in their psyche that you know what.

It was acceptable abuse and it was acceptable to do that because that's what our parents did.

I think that's so important for the audience to understand is that you know we we might be quick to point fingers but every parent can probably admit if they're really honest with themselves.

There is no manual first of all and so oftentimes the only thing we have to go on is our parents if they were physically around then our parents become the model for how we're supposed to parent.

And if our parents aren't around we either come up with our own system which actually is just based on observations we see around us what we see other parents around us doing.

So we followed those trends because we have there's nothing else to go on then that's the thing there is no like you said no manual they don't come with the manual like a car does you know you get a child and you have to figure it out and you have to either help your ask your parents for help to figure it out or figure it out when you're own a lot of these things these TVs shows that people try to portray families are not realistic.

It doesn't happen like that in a real world.

That's a really important point because there's a lot of a lot of people like to sit down and watch these families sitcoms and so we get this idealistic model of what a family is supposed to look like and sometimes we watch these as a coping mechanism to not have to really deal with what's going on in our own homes.

And so true I mean best best thing you can do is just do what you feel is best and pray that you're doing the best.

In my own family experience I grew up as a kid around a lot of trauma I experienced a lot of trauma and I experienced a lot of abuse one of the hardest things for me to face is the idea of forgiveness forgiveness was a very uncomfortable topic and very uncomfortable conversation for me and I avoided such conversations I ran from them I just didn't like them.

The idea of forgiveness hurt my head to just to think about it.

What was that experience like for you?

It was very hard for me at first to forgive my dad and my brother which my dad had passed away and he never admitted to anything so it was really hard to forgive him.

But as I was struggling with it and I was actually driving down the road the one day and it was on the radio and no matter how I tried to change the radio I kept coming back to that one station and I was talking on forgiveness.

And it just kind of dawned on me it made me realize that you know what I had to be able to forgive my dad and my brother for what they did in order to set myself free.

But I also had to learn to forgive myself for allowing that stuff to happen because at a young age I did allow things to happen I did not speak up I didn't say anything.

But and I've learned and like it says in Matthew 615 you know but if you do not forgive men their trespasses neither will your father forgive your trespasses so I had to forgive them in order to get my own forgiveness.

How long did it really take you to get to that point where you were finally ready to forgive?

Several years I mean that was probably two years ago I finally learned to say you up I give them the forgiveness because I did hold that bitterness in my heart.

So forgiving them does that mean that all of the emotions associated with what they did to you does that magically go away when you forgive is it supposed to go away.

For me it didn't take the emotions away but it made it easier to accept as far as they did what they did and it was not my fault it was their fault I did not have to carry that with me for the rest of my life in time God forgives me and forgive them as well.

And it's not for me to judge them for what they did.

From what you've learned forgiveness isn't just saying oh everything is okay because it's not the truth is it's not okay all forgiveness is is saying you know what I'm not going to judge anymore I'm a human being I'm not qualified to judge I'm not qualified to judge those who have sin against me.

I'm going to give the gavel over to God and I'm going to let God judge be the judge in this case and I'm going to free myself from that responsibility.

Right and as humans it's so easy to say hey we should forgive and forget but it's so hard as humans to forget because the only one that can is God and Jesus because they have that blind eye to towards sin once we accept salvation.

And they forgive us our sins and as humans we do hold on to we forgive but we're going to hold on to it and use it as a later date and we should not do that.

I think that's powerful to understand and that's kind of where some of the freedom and healing lies because it really sends us into a place where we now have to go back yes we we let go of this responsibility of judging but now we have to go back and deal with our pain and there there is no running from that forgiveness doesn't necessarily.

For you from that and that becomes a second process on the other side of things as far as the offender is concerned forgiveness does not absolve the offender but they are now accountable to God and God is a God of justice he demands justice and so there is still the responsibility on the offender the offender is now accountable and responsible for making things right for

reconciliation they bear that that they bird they bear the full responsibility of that burden and they are not absolve from that just because we forgave them or just because you forgave them and I truly believe that because you know by me forgiving puts it on their plate to say hey,

what do you do with it can you make the men's or you just continue in your lifestyle was there ever reconciliation in your story no like I said when my dad passed away we were I guess estranged we didn't talk so there was no hey I'm sorry for what I did at one point he did try to apologize to my wife for what he did to me but also turned around said well I just

hit behind the bottle and blame did all on the alcohol it was not the alcohol it was him to there was no resolution to the situation with them and my brother still to this day will not admit to anything is it hard to just move into a healing space with that part of it unresolved or how do you come to a point where you just let go of that reality that you may not ever get that apology you may not ever get that

admission of guilt and responsibility as hard as it was through the forgiveness part it is a healing part or my end as well you know like to say you know what I forgive you I'm gonna try to let this go and heal from the pain inward for myself and rely on God to help me through those tough times and when those times of you know what emotional and remembrance and thoughts is like you know what I do not know what I'm doing is not right.

It's like you know what I just give it to God because I can't deal with it because if I do then there's the hate and the bitterness comes right back so I give it to God and let God deal with it.

So what I'm gathering from this is the healing process and the forgiveness part of this is not really truly possible and fullness without God it really takes a super human effort or power involved to be able to reach that place.

Especially when you have a situation where the offender is has died and you're not ever going to get that apology at least on the side of heaven is just not going to happen and at some point you can't change that you can't change them you can't change that part of the story but there is power there is the option there is the ability still for you to be able to heal and to be able to move past that and then you can't change that you can't change that you can't change that part of the story but there is power.

And the only way that is truly possible in completion is by the power of God.

Yeah and truly and you know even if it took me while to realize even if my dad and my brother was to say hey sorry I did these things and I'm sorry does not take that pain does not take that and grow away that's always going to be there.

So realizing you what even if he's never apologized and acknowledged it God knows and they know and I know that God will take that away from us and he will be the one that deals with it.

One of the things that changed my experience was when I had to come to this realization okay at some point you know there there is going to be a judgment and so I imagine the scenario where it's judgment time.

And I am I am before the father and Jesus is there the Holy Spirit is there and so so were my abusers and we're all standing there in a group and my accusers can't hear what is being said but there is a very personal conversation happening between the father and I where the father asked me so Jonathan what should I do with your abusers do you want me to send them to hell or do you want them to go to heaven.

What is your decision and I came to a point in my life where my answer would have been very very sure my answer would be I would point to Jesus and I would say if they are comfortable spending eternity with Jesus and they are comfortable with that then I am comfortable spending eternity with them.

That is my answer I am not qualified to know if they are however so that is your decision and whatever is decided I'm at peace with and that was the point where when I realize that that would likely be my answer in a scenario like that I'd realize you know what I think I've reached forgiveness.

And for me I had to look at it when it comes that time of being in front of Jesus in front of God to accept our sins in whatever in our acceptance into heaven.

The fact that you have been learning that there is no more pain no more sorrow in heaven that I will no longer remember those times and I will no longer have that in my thought process in brain in heaven because God would have taken that from us.

I've got a very difficult question to ask it's a question that I have wrestled with for a long time and the question is where was God during the abuse while it was happening.

Oh my at the time I didn't see it God was there with me and he was holding me and comforting me but at the time like I said I prayed so many times you know God please end this misery God are you if you're there please help me and I wake up the next day and right back into the same situations the same abuse in the pain and misery suffering was always there.

And it wasn't until like I said probably four or five years ago when I finally started to wrestle with salvation and really accepting God was realizing without that pain and that suffering that God had allowed me to go through and was with me the whole time I would not truly understand his grace and his mercy.

I've heard you say in your answer several times that God was right there with you and I have to I would have to say in my own experience that would have been and still is my answer to that as well I believe the same thing I believe God was was not only present in the abuse but God was also experiencing the abuse in us and that's a powerful thing when you think you know we're all centers and I remember I was.

And I remember I was in a conversation with family over this everyone was was just wondering you know well how can you forgive and and I said you know what sent sent a sin I'm really truthful and honest about I couldn't have said this back then but this has been a lot of study and this has been a long journey in my walk with God to come to this point where I can say this because it's not a comfortable it's not a comfortable truth.

And that is you know what I I am just as bad as they are as my abusers just because they abused in this one specific way does that make does not make them worse than me just because I send in different ways sent a sin so if God went into full judgment mode and executed my abusers he would have to execute me as well maybe not for the same thing.

Not for the same things but surely for other sins to we're all in the same boat when it comes to that so God's mercy is the same for everyone and he wants everyone to have an opportunity to be saved and then there still is choice everyone has that autonomy that power of choice to choose which way they're going to go.

And so even when we come to that truth and that realization that we are also centers it brings us to a different attitude about our abusers of a place of compassion it doesn't mean that we're feeling great and wonderful about what happened we aren't.

But it just means that we understand that they need salvation as badly as we do and instead it drives us back to our heavenly father not only for forgiveness but a determination to walk closer with him and then it hits home because when we mistreat someone God is experiencing that mistreatment through that other person as well.

So it's the same as mistreating God himself and that's a very sobering reminder to us.

Right and like I said I mean during the whole of Houston one thing that does stand out to me is like one time when my dad it taken me to a rock that looked over top of a freeway and told me you know he could just push me off there it will look like an accident.

And what it was God that was there that stopped him from actually doing it and used it as a threat towards me and spared me my life then so God had a plan and a use for me I did just did not see it then.

That brings me into my next question when you look back on your life experience how has it helped you find your identity in purpose for me it has helped me to do especially now to realize you know what the things that have happened to me.

And as traumatic and as painful as he were that I am able to now to be able to use those to be a better person instead of allowing that same cycle to happen to break that cycle to say you know what just because my parents did this to me I don't have to be that person God does not want me to be that person and I think it is through God that I have been able to realize this just because my parents did it and he does not want us to be that way.

He wants us to be better people and to be more fruitful than what we were so what is your purpose now in life my purpose now in life I mean yes I'm a father and I'm taking care of kids plus I'm also taking care of other people's kids because their parents aren't around their the one is deceased the other ones is in jail and they're there are great nieces and it's my job as a parent and as a child.

God to instill that into them to say you know what look here's a nice loving home you don't have to do the same things that your parents are doing here here is a place that is safe and it's my job to take them to church and it's my job to teach them their proper way to be and to let God use me as a vessel to do that as a vessel to help others to heal from their pains and sufferings as well.

Do you ever have imagined that your life would be used to reflect the image of God no at a younger age and growing up middle age no I would never have figured that because growing up you always heard God was so loving and so caring so if he was why would he allow that to happen and now it's like I realize why it happened because he had that use for me this others are going to be suffering and painful that you know what I can be a tool in instrument of God to help them through their pains.

There's a promise that God restores our loss have you felt that experience happening in your own life I believe I have because like I said I have been blessed many times over through the different through the children that I do have now you know what it's a blessing for me to have them in my life because without them you know what I'd be in a lonely spot and it allows me to continually to see the love of God through these children.

And to what it would just transform into young adults as well one of the things that every dad that at least every dad that I know wants to do is to leave a legacy behind and what you're doing is leaving such a powerful legacy good legacy behind for many generations to follow so not only have you been instrumental and completely breaking a generational cycle.

And a generational cycle and a generational curse but you have turned it around and through the Holy Spirit working in you you are leaving a changed legacy for many many generations.

I guess I never look at it is I was leaving a legacy other than the fact that you what I was leaving hopefully leaving some wisdom within these children and within other people by seeing the transformation that I used to be to what I am now.

Say you know what I would like to be like that that's all I can ask for is you know what to have somebody to say you know what I want what he has and not so much as in a materialistic thing but in in the attitude and the kindness that I have.

You've written a book about your experience tell me about your journey in writing the book and how has it helped dads going through the same experience.

First I was just writing as a journal type thing to help myself heal and to deal with the stuff but then through the power of prayer and through my journey with God.

God I guess spoke to me and said you know what I need to write this book you need to write it and have it released out there for others to see it.

And it is helped others and it's going to help others that have gone through the same situations or similar situations that at the time back to come back in our days and you know what you didn't say a word about things that happened to you know what to say you know what it is okay for me to speak of what happened to me it's okay for me to allow others to know something happened to me that I am broken and that I am able to find a path in a way out of that.

And through the brokenness I can turn to God and God will heal me and make me whole again and I've seen a few that have taken this book and transformed their lives to say what I don't have to live that like any longer.

What is the title of your book and how can dads get get a copy the title of my book is God are you there.

And it is available on Amazon.

Barnes and Noble and iTunes just to make things easier if you go to the fatherhood challenge.com that's the fatherhood challenge.

And it is available on Amazon.

How can dads get a hold of you they can message me on Facebook I open and willing to talk to anybody about this.

So if there's any dads out there that would like to talk I'd be willing to talk to them.

And I'll include the link just below the description.

Joseph as we close what is your challenge to dads listening now.

My challenge to dads I would have to say would be to to acknowledge our failings because as humans we are going to fail.

And as fathers we're going to fail no matter how hard we try.

But to accept that failing in those use them as learning tools to teach your children one is okay to fail because we're going to fail.

But when we do fail pick yourself back up attempt and try again and not to let yourself get down too far.

But to also let God work within you and to acknowledge God whenever you can and to allow God to be a tool in your life.

To not turn away from him even in your darkest times.

Thank you so much for that wisdom Joseph.

Would you close this out with a prayer for dads?

Have any father I just asked that you be here with each and every one of us and you know with Jonathan myself and all those listening and that those dads that might be struggling with anything in their lives that you are God.

You'd be there for them and to help heal their pains, to help heal them and to make them better fathers.

When dads are better husbands at the same time you know what that they may be better people.

May it be the tools that you want them to be.

Jesus name of her name. Amen.

Joseph thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge and for sharing your story with us.

Thank you for having me and I look at 4JNB that would like to speak and hopefully maybe in the future right in another book.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Fatherhood Challenge.

If you would like to contact us listen to other episodes find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more information about the Fatherhood Challenge.

If you would like to visit the Fatherhood Challenge please visit theFatherhoodChallenge.com. That's TheFatherhoodChallenge.com

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