Our culture is in a multi-decade ‘sexual revolution’ that began in the 1960s, but we’re far from being free from the deeply ingrained programming that sex is still a fundamentally shameful topic of conversation; beliefs persist that we unwittingly inherited from our parents (and their parents and their parents).

You might not identify with having sexual shame. Perhaps you’re quite liberal when it comes to the sex you see on screen and in advertising.

You support honest and truthful sex education and have a tolerant, accepting attitude toward less conventional sexual expressions. However, the shame I’m talking about is found less in spoken opinions and more in unspoken feelings and beliefs.

Not wanting to talk about sex in our relationships is how we carry forth our ancestors’ sexual doctrine, and I see it in many of my clients.

Shame impacts how we conduct ourselves around sex: the conversations we’re not willing to have with our partners, the changes we’re not willing to make, and the risks we’re not willing to take in order to have a fulfilling sex life (whatever fulfilling means to you).

Sexual shame hides in the shadowy corners of the bedroom. It shows up as silence, secrecy, denial, and judgment.

Shame is the reason that 20 % of committed long-term relationships become sexless. Sexual challenges are a major factor in half of all marriages ending in divorce. Conversations about sex don’t take place often enough between partners. Excuses like boredom, distraction, and loss of interest are often used to avoid sex in relationships.

Shame hides behind our resignation and our capacity to put up with something that doesn’t work for us (for fear of rocking the relationship boat).

The sexual revolution may have led us to the land of sexual availability when it comes to dating, hookups, and onscreen sex, but it hasn’t yet freed us of the insidiousness of sexual shame enough to embrace the honest conversations that can lead to sexual fulfillment.

This is where couples often fall short to the point of silence. Even therapists sometimes skirt around the subject of sex due to a lack of training in sexuality or their own discomfort with the subject. And so the ‘elephant in the therapy session’ sits silent and ignored.

If any other part of your life was threatening to end your relationship, you’d be sitting down as a team to talk about it. You’d figure it out. You’d fight for it. But because of shame, sex is a conversation into which many couples are afraid to enter, and partners remain alone in their private struggle.

Shame whispers in our ear with messages like:

* “I don’t like sex. I’m broken.”

* “I don’t want to talk about sex. My partner should just know what

to do.”

* “My partner says I’m frigid” or “my partner thinks I’m a sex addict.”

* “My abuse history was my fault.”

* “If I want to stay married, I have to cope with living without sex.”

* “I have to hide who I am from my partner; I know they wouldn’t

accept what turns me on.”

* “The sex isn’t great, but there’s nothing we can do about it.”

How does sexual shame operate in your life today? Are you still dragging along the remnants of sexual shame you inherited from your ancestors?

We’re all a product of past generations. We all grew up in homes that shaped our sexual beliefs, but sexuality is no longer simply a marital obligation to keep the peace and procreate. Human sexuality is always evolving, and our beliefs and attitudes can evolve as well.

The bodily pleasure and intimate connection we find in sex are important human needs. When we feel the truth of this, we can let go of our hand-me-down shame and rigid beliefs. We can bring more curiosity to our desires and, with that new-found curiosity, start an honest conversation with our partners about our needs and desires.

If sexual shame keeps you silently coping, or worse, threatens your relationship, sex coaching can empower you and your partner to speak what too often remains unspoken.

Share this chapter of The Turned-On Couple with your partner and start a conversation about what sexual shame looks like in your relationship.

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