Mr. Haberdashery shares his experience with harnessing the power of emotion, discusses how privilege and power erode personhood and opens up about perpetual closetedness. Below are my completely disorganized personal notes on today’s episode. closetedness // oneness

* harnessing emotion as energy (david emerson toney)

* urgency, power, privilege

* base of my breath, where i hunger before i know it, wherever my mind is before it is conscious lives my concern for joy. this is a description of who i am and who i want to be, actual and aspirational.

* compartmentalization, fragmentation of the privileged

* i have not reached my most urgent, which i would imagine would be a matter of life or death, even though i've always been more concerned with the well-being of others than my own. but regardless, this concern is exigent, it's burning, it's wailing, it's wringing out my lungs and it's making me panic. (panic attacks)

* isolation & solitude

* being in the minority taught me not to look for my face in those around me, to expect to be the only one like me in a space, especially as i pursued upward mobility in a capitalist system. but aside from that there was also the way i thought, how i always saw everything as connected, which is obviously connected to this preoccupation with oneness, which made me feel strange and apart. and how much i thought about everything and how hard i felt about everything.

* never take for granted that there is no one like you

* being special as basis for self-esteem can be counterproductive

* one feature of closetedness: specificity of your circumstance

* it forces you to generate everything you need to survive. you till the soil of your spirit until it is just whisper of what could have been, thin breathy voices echoing your childhood fantasies in the wind. you deplete yourself. you borrow from the future.

* community support of love, romance - one of the things that i feel like ended my relationships