I’m told I entered this world pissing but then I was told many things.

One of them being the legend of my dear granddad. Victor at Belsen , spitting in the face of the Untergrupenfuhrer , fought at D Day, interpreted the top Nazis at Neuremberg. Turns out he was in the Home Guard. Love ya Joe , didn’t burst my bubble baby , I never put you on a pedestal.

I started school early as they had nothing for me at the job centre. It was 1967. It was about as far from groovy as one could cycle away from. Not exactly outta sight but more tucked in bed with Big Ted and a hot water bottle.

The first music I remember is the sort of groups they had on Blue Peter and other good Christian sex in the missionary position type shows. Freddie & The Dreamers , Gerry and the Pacemakers and The Monkees thank Elvis. There was no 13th Floor Elevators or even the Pretty Things , it was still top button done up with a tie underneath a turtleneck jumper.

Very thick cut ginger marmalade.

I came third in the egg and spoon race one year. Daddy was proud.

Otherwise I was too stupid to really engage in academia and spent many hours learning about fear and loathing in the headmaster’s study. Locked up with a man so depraved he smelt of evil and stale semen which mingled with his hot sour breath. It was the elixir of death.

Johnny Morris is talking leopard to me.

My big break came when I was asked to become Danny Dyer which is still my full time job.

It’s a good gig and pays well but sometimes the mask slips and I find myself quoting Shelley or Keats at the dog track.

I leave you with a joke from Tommy Cooper –

A geezer walks into a psychiatrist’s practice wearing only clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says , ‘ Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts. ‘

Carson Robison     We’re Gonna Have To Slap The Dirty Little Jap

MC5     Tonight

Dee Dee King aka Ramone       Funky Man

The Ramones    Chinese Rocks

The Spades     You’re Gonna Miss Me

Jack Scott        Rocket In My Pocket

The Pygmies    Don’t Monkey With Tarzan

The Jagged Edge   How Many Times

Maximillian   The Snake

Ronnie Cook and the Gaylads   Goo Goo Muck

Nolan Porter   Keep on Keeping on

Jack Scott   The Way I Walk

Blind Boy Fuller   What’s that Smells Like Fish?

Barbara Greene   Long Tall Sally

Link Wray   Fatback