Trigger warnings: discussion of sexual assault, sexual harassment, suicide and mental health

In this episode, Julie talks with the amazing rising adult industry star Jasmine Sherni, discussing her (Julie's) conflicted feelings about the in-depth research she conducted on the industry in 2019. Julie says she's coming to Jasmine for "therapy," because she knows the industry has changed a lot for the better since then, and that Jasmine's presence in it is partly indicative of that positive change.

(Apologies that it's a little hard to hear Jasmine in the first few minutes of this episode--it does get better!)

Note for Jasmine's many fans: she talks a lot more in the upcoming second part of this episode!

Referenced in this episode:

https://jasminesherni.com

Holly Randall Unfiltered https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/holly-randall-unfiltered/id1260471553

Last Days of August https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-last-days-of-august/id1258779354

The Butterfly Effect https://www.audible.com/podcast/The-Butterfly-Effect/

One of the most common questions people ask me is "how do you go to so many kink conventions without getting completely exhausted?" And my answer is always: it's definitely not a talent, it's a very carefully honed skill. In this episode, I share the tips and tricks I've developed over the years to not "drop" after events--meaning not experience post-event exhaustion/depression/withdrawal, as well as how to effectively manage my time and energy at events. When I started out, I made plenty of mistakes, and I've had a lot of time and many opportunities to try to learn from those mistakes. Hopefully, these tips help you too!

Picking up the conversation from where we left off in Part 1, Part 2 examines certain challenges in cohabiting poly, kinky life, and then concludes by focusing more intentionally on problem-solving tactics that Julie, ElsieXO, and Jordan have successfully implemented in their relationships. The trio considers various communication strategies that can facilitate easy sexual communication without necessarily having to have Long Hard Conversations, as well as the way jealousy can both be a positive and a negative influence on sex in long-term relationships.

Mating in Captivity

TO BE CONTINUED (this episode cuts off in the middle of a conversation)

In Part 1 of this two-part episode, Julie chats with her peeps ElsieXO and Jordan to try to uncover the secrets of keeping sex and kink alive in long-term cohabiting poly relationships. All kinky, poly, queer women married to cis men for years, they discuss some of many challenges they have faced in keeping their long-term relationships sexy. While there are obviously many ways to promote and share different kinds of intimacy in relationships, this episode targets everyone who's ever asked: "but what do I do to keep things hot and spicy when the spice level was already so damned high?" In this episode, we coin terms like "sex inertia" and describe some of the factors that can affect the ebb and flow of sex and kink connectivity in long-term cohabiting relationships. We will continue the conversation in part 2, with greater focus on solutions.

Trigger warnings: mental health, eating disorders

In this episode, Julie tackles a subject few have been brave enough to ask: what's the real difference between BDSM and non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI, self-harm, "cutting," etc.)? Especially to outsider observers, BDSM and NSSI can look incredibly similar. Being a lifelong masochist who has never really engaged in serious NSSI, Julie found two volunteers (Cait and Siren) who were incredibly open about their experiences with BDSM and NSSI and the complex potential overlap between the two. At root, the difference mostly seems to come down to BDSM's association with sociability, connectedness, and joy, whil NSSI is associated with isolation, feelings of self-hatred, and shame.

As a sociologist, Julie also challenges some of the heavy stigma that NSSI faces, arguing that many activities society perceives as very positive (from running to drinking alcohol to ballet) can potentially have much more negative consequences than NSSI. She also points out that in general, pain does seem to often help humans process emotions, and the social understanding of both NSSI and BDSM probably needs to do a better job of incorporating that reality.

Huge thanks to Cait and Siren for being willing to share so much of themselves in this episode!

Referenced in this episode:

Secretary (2002)

Ginny & Georgia (2021-)

In this episode, Julie and her sub Artifiction discuss some of the challenges of moving from Dominant/submissive desires to actually translating those desires to relationships that can be manifested in the real world. They discuss D/s as an abstraction as well as some of its practical realities. Along the way, they talk about major obstacles in this process of creating these relationships, as well as how they began to create the dynamic that they both wanted.

(When recording the episode, Julie promised to look up the answer to the question, "do men quit their jobs more than women?" The answer turns out to be, "alas, the question is too complicated to answer effectively.")

Photo credit RainImagery

In this episode, Julie and her co-top SugarAndPoison break down some the pleasures and cautionary tales of co-topping. While recounting some of their favorite scenes together, they discuss things to be on the lookout for--in both good ways and bad--when plotting and planning co-topping scenes. They discuss the co-topping elements of everything from two-person rigged rope scenes to cuckolding scenes, and discuss how to get the most out of them.

This episode provides a very brief survey of some interesting and occasionally significant figures from bisexual and polyamorous history, primarily targeting people who were born in the nineteenth century.

Here are links to many of the sources:

⁠ Virginia Woolf⁠

⁠Eleanor Roosevelt⁠

⁠Cole Porter⁠

Julie D’Aubigny

JD cont

Alfred Kinsey

Morning Glory Zell Ravenheart

MGZR cont

Ma Rainey

Josephine Baker

Frida Kahlo

William Moulton Marston

WMM cont

Erwin Schrodinger

David Garnett

DG cont

Jack Parsons

This episode is a continuation of the previous one where Julie and Remy discuss their book, Violated: Sexual Consent and Assault in the 21st Century (with obvious trigger warnings for discussion of sexual assault). They begin by discussing aspects of the BDSM subculture that can might be able to inform consent practices in the broader culture. Then they focus on the discussions of rape law in the book, which include the historical development of rape and sexual assault laws, followed by their take on mens rea (intentionality) and the desperate need to "grade" rape laws more like we currently grade homicide--by intent, not just offense.

For the book:

Amazon link

Publisher's link

Picking up from an earlier episode where Julie read the first chapter of Violated, Julie (a sociologist) and Remy (a lawyer) discuss their book, Violated: Sexual Consent and Assault in the 21st Century (to be continued in the next episode). They talk about how they came to write the book, things that surprised them as they worked on it, and the key themes of the book. The three most important of those themes are: (1) how gender norms end up inevitably creating sexual mistrust and encouraging sexual violations (2) how the construction of sexual assault law doesn't take really take intentionality into account and (3) how we should be exploring the concept of "consent hygiene" and asking, in a world where so many initial sexual encounters take place while one or both people are intoxicated, what's "good enough" consent?Mentioned in this episode:

⁠Hong (2018)⁠

⁠XKCD