I can’t tell you when you feel this type of feeling of standing up yourself when the threat for life is very real. Having your life threaten by someone who mentally, sexually, physically and verbally abused you from nine to thirteen years old. To doors spilting in half in front of you, bruises and scars from burns. A forty year old man, who should know right from wrong. I didn’t find God, He found me in my darkest moment. Gathering evidence but having to hide it, certain special moments like your birthday or mother’s day would never be the same for you. Especially when you wanted children of your own, but that was taken away from you. To have a mother, child or both to celebrate Mother’s Day, cherish those moments. Many of us may have of one or none to cherish it with, it’s a holiday we choose to escape. So long. To my old self, the innocent child who had her childhood taken away. Who had to grow up quickly, being an adult at eight. Independence was taught at a young age, no one to ask for help or being too afraid to ask for help. The child within yourself who prayed for someone to save them, is now the adult who became the one the child asked for. The guilt and shame, that you carried for years, made it difficult to open up. The brain injury that was physical but came from the abuse. Many don’t understand that abuse can cause damage to the brain, to point of no return. Living in survival mode for many years, once you leave survival mode your body goes into shock. The consequences of freeing yourself, putting yourself first and taking care of yourself, was becoming sick. Your body doesn’t know how to live in a quiet, safe environment. It’s constantly looking for threats. You don’t dwell on your past, it never defined you. It made me who I am today. Starting this podcast with So long, to my old self, is to see how far I have come despite how hard it was accept the news I got this week. That none of this was my fault, but I have brain injury that can’t be reversed, but can be managed. The ones who speak on this topic who never experience it, shouldn’t say anything. To the ones who say it’s made up, it’s in our head or we doing it for attention. You should listen to yourself, to the ones who said you should have just walked away when you had the chance. Would you walk away when your life was threaten? For all years being blamed because the engagement was ruined, instead of being heard. I became the black sheep. Sharing my truth was only for attention, it was made up or I was being dramatic, when I was being truthful. Why do think I walked away and haven’t spoken to you in five years. You will always play the victim, never take accountability and flip the story. I was never perfect and I was never innocent, but I would rather go no contact and never see you ever again to protect my mental health, and peace. Twenty-seven years old, I am doing better than I ever was, the strength of sharing my story was therapy to me. I don’t care if it ruins your image, or that you don’t like that I am standing up for myself. I would rather be hated for telling the truth, to walk alone then for everyone to believe a lie of life that actually happened, you just don’t want no one to know who you really are behind the mask. 

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