Spiritual Bypassing: How Personal Development Might Actually Be Stunting Your Influence

In today’s world, modern women have turned from “taboo” vices to things like self-help, meditation, yoga, prayer and special nutrition to alter consciousness. All in the quest to “feel good” at all times. But what we Femmefluencers really need is to see the big picture and learn how to be present with both the light and the dark emotions. I’m showing you how on this episode.   Your episode worksheet: Femmefluence.com/ep17   Key Points from this Episode The toxic brew women create to divide ourselves and play into a system called the patriarchy that harms ourselves, our relationships and our connection to other women and men who we could be instead linking arms with and building longer tables is called pink slime. Spiritual bypassing is a form of pink slime that’s highly visible on social media. I am a self-proclaimed personal development junkie. I’m obsessed with why humans behave a certain way. I've become fascinated with the ways in which we try to feel endlessly good. We've gotten progressively more skillful in our methods as humans, turning away from “taboo” vices like drugs or alcohol to alter our consciousness and turning towards things like self-help, books, meditation, yoga, prayer and special diets.  We are now spiritually distracting ourselves from our feelings, thinking that we're walking a healthy spiritual path as a result of calling these spiritual things better than who we were before. Now. This is why we as women have to get real with the level of influence we desire and acknowledge the pink slime in our lives because it is getting in the way. There is a myth that is causing a lot of harm goes a little something like this. ‘I have to feel good to be happy.’ Or another way to put it. ‘In order for me to do it, it has to feel good.’ Now straight up this is fucking up good women everywhere. Spiritual bypassing is a real problem in the personal growth movement and it's also part of the mindset and performance coaching industry that many of us invest our time, energy and money in. These things aren't bad things, but I'm here in this episode to show you all of the sides that it could be affecting you, and worse creating pink slime in you. How does spiritual bypassing show up? In quick fix inspirational quotes trying to summarize, complex issues in single pithy statements. It shows up in New York Times bestselling books. It shows up in people's advice to just be grateful. It shows up in self-prescribed gurus who according to their PR stories, suffer from depression and anxiety until they woke up one day, realized they didn't have to feel negative feelings anymore, and boom, all of those negative feelings went away. Spiritual bypassing is an experience of reacting to things that don't feel good. It’s a defense mechanism that looks prettier but still serves the same purpose, shielding us from the truth. It disconnects us from our feelings and helps us avoid the big picture. It's more about checking out than checking in, and the difference is so subtle that we usually don't know that we're doing it. Now the shorthand for spiritual bypassing is platitude rather than gratitude, arriving rather than being, avoiding rather than accepting.  Sometimes self-care is actually about taking care of ourselves, unplugging from too much work and plugging into more balance and harmony, right? But sometimes under the guise of self-care, we're really just checking out, denying what's happening and how scary it feels to show up for life on any given day. The idea or fantasy that one way or one thought or one blueprint will give us all of the things we need to get the things that we want. And we think especially in the form of spiritual practice, that these should afford us. The freedoms from the messiness of life as though perfection is an attainable standard, and that's especially true in social media overload and feeling the new mental concerns around Fomo or imposter syndrome, right?  Many times we’re falling for the idea or fantasy that one thought or blueprint will give us all the things we need to get the things we want. Oftentimes in the form of our spiritual practice. But what we’re really doing here is striving for perfection as if it’s an attainable standard. We need to remember instead that spiritual practice and emotional growth are not about achieving a particular quality of feeling, aka only feeling good. Being a human being on a spiritual journey isn't about getting cash and prizes all the time. It's instead about being in the present moment, whatever it happens to look like. There is something very necessary about being who and where you are. If I become present to who I am, all of me. There is a lot there that I usually don't want to see. Right? For most people, this consensus of shame, anxiety, anger, loneliness, self-loathing, are our dark side and the list goes on and on. Who really wants to be present to all of that darkness. But the more that I've tried to personally rise above it or turn my back to it, the more it has lingered. Waiting, almost growing in size, getting bigger and still feeling painful. Finally, I had to turn around and face it and the most amazing thing happened. I didn't die. That's the good news. It didn't swallow me whole like I thought it would. In fact, by recognizing that so-called dark stuff that was there, I could finally experience and own what was light and right about me. I believe there is discernment between what you share and what you keep for yourself. I'm a big believer in asking myself before I post anything, is there a lesson in sharing this with others? DoI have intention around sharing wisdom or am I just throwing a grenade for performative or selfish reasons?  An especially prevalent form of spiritual bypassing is saying that negative situation you've been through is there to teach you something. So get over it. Right? This is spiritual bypassing cloaked with personal development, transformation, and encouragement. It’s an example of pink sliming another person not acknowledging that those feelings are real. Spiritual bypassing also excludes solutions. I’m sharing 4 ways you can see spiritual bypassing in your own life, and instead of choosing apathy, how you can choose leadership femmefluence style instead! One - Avoiding Conflict. Think about the easy-going, nice guy or gal that you’ve met.. They're easy to spot when mistreated or insulted. They don't acknowledge the other person as being hurtful or even abusive towards them. They have a hard time accepting their own personal experience of being frustrated, disrespected, or hurt. Most of the time they ignore that experience by making excuses for the bad behavior. Solution: Say this out loud. “I am not a doormat. I'm a leader.” Two - Deferring to the guru or “other leader.” This behavior feeds our unconscious emotional needs to be validated, to feel special, to feel loved, and to feel important. It also denotes an irrational fantasy of the girl putting her capacities and her thoughts and ideas on a pedestal under the surface. The narrative that's running in the situation is that the ther leader has something special and unique to give you that you don't already have. And as such, you need to be seen as worthy to receive it. Solution: Girl, please stop putting Regina on a pedestal or thinking that you have to become Regina in order to gain respect or power. Three - Suppressing feelings and/or needs. There is a tendency to suppress needs to avoid being seen as needy or as having low spiritual development or being a source of bad or negative vibes. Solution: communicate them first, stop letting the wounded child run the show. Four - Seeking to be a more evolved leader means we aren’t evolved at all. These thoughts make us question our personal ambitions and whether we should be ambitious at all. I've had women challenge my ambition by judging it as not being feminine. I've actually had men do that to me too. Solution: Understand both sides are supporting your growth as a values-driven influencer. You can have a bad day and still be a spiritual leader, person, woman, fan, or influencer.