The truth is, I’ve had one boyfriend, and his name was Dr. Warren Carmichael, and he was my economics professor, and he was 56 years old, and he was very smart, and he dressed like a casual beach man to come to class, with flip-flops and everything, and I gotta tell you, I found that very very hot. One day before class, he walked in, and he comes up to me and he goes “nice Patagonia shirt. Gotta get me one of those.” Let’s just say I knew what he meant, okay? Full lightning bolt through my slit. When class was over, there were snail trails on my chair. Like no one should have sat in that chair after me. It was DAMP.

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