Discussion of Step 5:

I explore these patterns and describe them to another person, noticing the healing power of compassionate listening.

Step Five continues the process that started with Step Four: Looking at behavior patterns, as opposed to just behaviors in isolation.

There is a difference between the Proactive 12 Steps and the traditional Twelve Steps. The tone of the original Twelve Steps is a tone that is very much related to the notion of good and evil: doing a moral inventory, paying attention to the wrongs you do. So, it’s very much a language of sin and redemption. There is a logic to it within a religious point of view. But it’s not necessarily the way that it works psychologically. And so it makes sense to pay attention to how this process unfolds here.

The process of change

First, we’re looking at behavior patterns, and then we’re trying to understand them. We pay attention to the emotional logic that’s behind them. When you have a repetitive behavior pattern, that means it is firmly ingrained. It doesn’t serve to beat yourself up about it and to force yourself to change it through willpower. This is very much the same problem that we talked about in Step One. When something is very ingrained, willpower doesn’t work.

And so what happens is this: With the best of intentions, you fall into a vicious cycle. And things go deeper and deeper and get more and more ingrained.

So what is this vicious cycle? You do something that you would call a “wrong” and so you criticize yourself for it. And you feel ashamed about it. And, through a lot of willpower, you manage not to do it for a little while… And then you do it. You slip. And now you feel terrible. You feel a lot of shame, and it’s tough to manage these feelings. So this then induces you to indulge. And the pattern, as you can see, goes deeper and deeper, alternating between moments of willpower and moments of shame. So that’s something that you’re not going to try to continue. It makes sense to step out of that cycle.

And the best way to step out of it is actually to understand what is happening. Because, when you know what is happening, you can take action at the level where things are causing the harmful patterns, as opposed to merely trying to change them through willpower.

Understanding vs condoning

We’re talking about understanding. Of course, this does not mean condoning. Condoning would be trying to glorify the problematic patterns. Understanding helps you change.

So, let’s say you identify a problematic pattern. Trying to understanding it means wondering why you do what you do. Is it just because you’re an evil, nasty person? Is it that you’re so lazy that you do things that hurt other people out of sheer laziness? Or is there some method behind the madness?

There might be some logic behind what you do. It would be some kind of emotional logic, not rational logic. What we will do in further steps is to try to understand better what is behind it. You probably already have a sense of what it is, if you approach it from wanting to understand it, as opposed to judging it and trying to eradicate it.

How do you proceed with exploring this?

It’s good to think of it as having several steps in this process. You know, sub-steps of Step Five.

First, you’re going to get kind of a general sense of it. Some fuzzy sense of what might be happening while you do what you do. Why, for instance, you arrive late at your appointments. Or why you might be angry at certain people. You go beyond the self-blame, and you understand the reason behind it. And, probably, it’s something like fear. So now you have a general sense of it.

Then you stay with it with your curiosity, and you try to work it a little deeper.