Discussion of Step 9:

I apply these new mindful behaviors in my everyday life. I sincerely apologize to people I have hurt, except when counterproductive.

So far, we have been emphasizing a sense of going slowly, step-by-step, to better deal with what is blocking you from doing what you want to do. But eventually, there comes the point where the rubber meets the road. You put into practice what you have been preparing for.

The key here is to stay mindful

It’s not an either-or proposition. It’s not either you change your behavior, or you are mindful. It’s both. If you only focus on your conduct, it may happen in a blur, as you are forcing yourself to do what you believe you should be doing. You will likely be tense, not quite emotionally present as you’re doing it. This kind of change is not going to be lasting, and it’s not going to be satisfying. You’re adding stress and pressure to your life. In some way or another, it’s going contribute to your level of general and happiness, and lead you to act out. So it’s no good.

Applying things in real life does not mean forcing yourself to look from the outside as if you’re doing it. It means being present, mindful, grounded in doing it.

Recalibrating your expectations

Since we’re talking about changes that have to do with coping mechanisms, these changes are going to be difficult. The changes are not going to be smooth, and you’re not going to feel comfortable about that.

So if you expect that it should be smooth, you’re going to be disappointed. I want to recalibrate your expectations so that you’re realistic. You’re going to be noticing all kinds of turbulence inside. And that is good.

Conversely, if you expect that it all flows naturally and effortlessly, you’re going to be disappointed. You might disconnect from your feelings to not notice how stressful it is when you try to apply these new behaviors in real life.

I want to emphasize that the behaviors we are talking about are coping mechanisms because situations that trigger them are very stressful for you. As a result, you bypass the difficulty and go to a default mode. The bypass is related to the intensity of the stress that’s generated by the situation.

It hardly matters how much you have rehearsed alternative behaviors. When it comes time to implement them in real life, you’re back into the stress of the situation. And so it would be astonishing if it went smoothly. I would like you to be ready for that.

Remember that it’s going to be emotionally challenging to make these changes. You’re going to have a hard time trying to be emotionally present and mindful as you try to behave differently. So you need to engage your curiosity toward noticing how not present you are, how stressed you are, how difficult it feels. The turmoil is not strange. It is the lack of discomfort that would be strange.

A practical example

To make it a little more practical, let’s go back to the example that we used in Step 8. We were talking about somebody who has difficulty saying “no,” not just to new projects, but even saying “no” to people coming in and interrupting to talk about something. And so let’s say you’re that person.

In Step 8, you identified some ways to behave differently. For instance, say Tom comes into your office, asks if you have a minute, and you say: “Oh, sorry, Tom, I can’t do it right now, but what about this afternoon at 3?”

When you hear me say that, it feels OK. There’s no stress or pressure in my voice. But when Tom comes into your office, this is not the case. You are feeling jittery, feeling nervous, having difficulty looking at Tom in the eye. Your voice is strained. You might feel some sense of shame about it or,...