How often do you compare yourself to others? Be honest! 

Isn’t it tiring? You either end up swimming in self-doubt or cultivating a superiority complex — or some paradoxical combination of the two. 

In the "woe is me" version, you become subsumed by imposter syndrome and blind to your own talents and strengths. You look at others and think, "If only I had their [insert enviable quality here], I'd be unstoppable!" Then there's the "entitlement" version: You've worked harder than anyone you know, but somehow the corner office or promotion still eludes you. You find yourself thinking, "I deserve that [insert coveted thing here] as much as they do!"

None of these are good outcomes.

Rest assured: we've all been there. In fact, it’s natural to compare yourself to others. Among other things, it’s a tool for self-evaluation and self-development. Anthropologically, comparisons are critical for navigating social hierarchies. 

But just because it's natural doesn't mean it's always helpful. How does something so natural end up being so counterproductive? There are many reasons, but two stand out in my view.

First, you're unique, as is everyone. Sure, that sounds cliché. But it’s important to note that your collective life experiences are one-of-a-kind. The same is true of each person you’re comparing yourself to. So making an apples-to-apples comparison between you and someone else is a flawed idea from the get-go. Your path and their path may have some similarities, but they are ultimately going to have fundamental differences. 

Second, people’s public personas are curated versions of themselves. Social media has done nothing but amplify this fact. For every public thing you see about a person, there are endless learnings, epiphanies, struggles, sacrifices, failures, decisions, etc. you don’t see. So comparing yourself to someone’s public persona is misleading at best, and unnecessarily destructive at worst.

Stop going down these unhelpful comparison paths already, and do these four things instead:

1/ Follow your curiosity.

Dive into something that sparks your interest. But take caution! Don’t choose something because you think it will impress others or somehow give you an edge. Focus on something you’re genuinely excited about. Learn about it, immerse yourself in it, create something out of it. Whether it's learning to play jazz flute, designing a new fitness regimen, or decoding the mysteries of quantum physics, follow your curiosity. Start small: Read a book, watch tutorials online, or take an online course. Then challenge yourself to create something with your new knowledge, shifting from passive consumption to active creation. This will move you into a growth mindset oriented around generative opportunities and away from the irrational scarcity mindset where you see opportunities as a limited resource in this world.

2/ Celebrate a personal accomplishment.

For a moment, think of yourself as a time-traveling biographer, carefully observing your past self. Pick a skill or aspect of your life and look back on it six months, a year, or even five years. Maybe you've gone from burning water to making a Michelin-star worthy cassoulet. Perhaps you've evolved from awkward small talk to holding engaging conversations. Or you've progressed from writing a ‘Hello World’ program to building a full-blown app. Whatever it is, acknowledge your journey. Write about it, create a before-and-after chart, or simply give yourself a gold star. This exercise will reinforce your sense of agency and self-actualization, reminding you that you're capable of development and achievement.

3/ Help someone out.

Find a friend, colleague, or family member who could use a hand with something you're good at — and help them out. Maybe you’re a spreadsheet wizard and help a friend with their budget. Or maybe you’re quite handy and assist a neighbor with their wobbly fence. Perhaps you’re a talented writer and edit a colleague's important email. As you offer help, take note of how your skills, which you might take for granted, make a difference. The point is to get out of your own head and constructively redirect the energy you’ve been using to compare yourself to others. This practice will not only boost your confidence but also cultivate a sense of gratitude for your abilities and the opportunity to use them positively.

4/ Identify and emulate an admirable trait.

Now that you've reinforced your growth mindset, agency, confidence, and sense of gratitude, it's safe to proceed with constructive people-watching — subject to strict guardrails. Start by thinking of someone you admire: what specific trait or skill do you find inspiring? Maybe it's their public speaking prowess, their knack for diffusing tense situations, or their ability to explain complex topics simply. The key is to keep it specific! Once you've identified the specific trait or skill, brainstorm ways to develop it yourself. Don't be shy about asking for advice; reach out to friends or mentors for their insights. If you're feeling bold and it's appropriate, you might even approach the person you admire. A simple, "I really admire how you [insert trait or skill]. Any tips on how I could work on that?" can spur valuable conversations. Remember, the goal isn't to become a carbon copy of someone else, but to use their example as inspiration.

In taking these proactive steps, you'll find yourself too busy taking charge — notably, of the things you actually have control over — to worry about going down the destructive comparisons path. Before you know it, you might just become the person others are inspired by.

And anyway, life's too short to spend it wishing you were someone else. You're the star of your own life — make it a good great one!

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