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Strength and Strategy for Special Needs Dads
Every man has a vision of what fatherhood will look like. We imagine the ball games, the graduations, and the moment we pass down our skills to the next generation. But for millions of fathers, that vision is redirected by a single moment in a doctor’s office. A diagnosis is handed across a desk, and suddenly, the map you’ve been following for your life is gone.
You’re in a new territory. It’s a landscape defined by therapies, advocacy, and a level of emotional complexity that most men aren't trained for. In that moment, many dads feel like they’ve been drafted into a war they didn't sign up for, without a manual or a squad.
Today’s guest is the man who has written that manual. David Hirsch is the founder of the 21st Century Dads Foundation and the creator of the Special Fathers Network—a 'tribe' of thousands of men supporting one another through the unique challenges of raising children with special needs. In this episode we have a conversation about his new book, Dads Raising Children with Special Needs and Disabilities.
Purchase Dads Raising Children with Special Needs and Disabilities here: https://amzn.to/4cUdHNf
Connect with other dads at Special Fathers Network here: https://21stcenturydads.org/
Here is a link to the episode mentioned in this episode with Catherine Whitcher of Milwaukee, WI, Mother of Two Daughters & Nationally Recognized Expert on IEPs: https://21stcenturydads.org/202-catherine-whitcher-of-milwaukee-wi-mother-of-two-daughters-nationally-recognized-expert-on-ieps/
If you’re just as passionate as The Fatherhood Challenge about turning the hearts of fathers to their children and have a unique story, testimony or resource to share with our podcast and radio audience, we would love to have you as a guest on our program. To apply visit: https://podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/thefatherhoodchallenge
Create your podcast today! #madeonzencastr
https://zencastr.com/?via=thefatherhoodchallenge
00:05.34
Jonathan Guerrero
Every man has a vision of what fatherhood will look like. We imagine ball games, the graduations, and the moment we pass down our skills to the next generation. But for millions of fathers, that vision is redirected by a single moment in the doctor's office.
00:20.92
Jonathan Guerrero
A diagnosis is handed across the desk, and suddenly the map that you've been following for your life is gone. You're in new territory. It's a landscape defined by therapies, advocacy, and a level of emotional complexity that most men aren't trained for.
00:37.59
Jonathan Guerrero
In that moment, many dads feel like they've been drafted into a war that they didn't sign up for without even a manual or a squad. Today's guest is a man who has written that manual, and in just a few moments, we're going to learn a bit about what's inside, so don't go anywhere.
01:35.22
Jonathan Guerrero
Greetings everyone. Thank you so much for joining me and my son and co-host Isaac. Hello everyone. Welcome to the Father Who Challenge. David Hirsch is the founder of 21st Century Dads Foundation and the creator of Special Fathers Network, a tribe of thousands of men supporting one another through the unique challenges of raising children with special needs. David's new book, Dads Raising Children with Special Needs and Disabilities, isn't just a collection of stories. It's a tactical roadmap.
02:04.02
Jonathan Guerrero
It's for the dad who feels isolated, the dad who's struggling to navigate the medical system, and the dad who needs to know that his strength isn't measured by his ability to fix his child, but by his resolve to stand with them.
02:19.74
Jonathan Guerrero
David, welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge.
02:23.16
David Hirsch
Jonathan and Isaac, thank you so much. I really look forward to our conversation.
02:28.06
Jonathan Guerrero
Okay, so here's one of my favorite parts. David, what's your favorite dad joke?
02:33.85
David Hirsch
Oh, geez. I knew you were going to ask the question, Jonathan. Um, and you, you know, that there's like a dad joke in each of the chapters, the 21 chapters of this book.
02:42.12
Jonathan Guerrero
oh yeah
02:43.17
David Hirsch
So I'll just share a couple. Um, I don't know that they're my favorites, but they're the ones that come to mind. Um, why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
02:54.74
Jonathan Guerrero
uh isaac you can know this
02:54.90
David Hirsch
in case he got a hole in one.
03:00.44
David Hirsch
The other ah that comes to mind is, i ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know which one came first.
03:13.29
David Hirsch
We're gonna stop there.
03:13.66
Jonathan Guerrero
I almost thought I knew where that one was going.
03:14.73
David Hirsch
they're just They're all lame like that. They're all lame like that, okay.
03:20.28
Jonathan Guerrero
Thank you so much for sharing that. Well, David, in your book, you talk about a moment a father receives a diagnosis. For many men, this feels like a death like the death of a future that they imagine.
03:33.46
Jonathan Guerrero
How does a dad grieve that dream without withdrawing from the child who is right in front of them?
03:40.31
David Hirsch
Yeah, great question. I don't know that there's a one size fits all, but, you know, it's like a lot of things in life. um You know, you have your plans, you have your expectations and life rarely works out that way.
03:52.60
David Hirsch
One thought that comes to mind is that you can't connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backwards. And You know, each of us has ah dreams or aspirations that are dashed right at one point another. Right. It has nothing to do with a diagnosis or raising a child with special needs. But, you know, those are just the adjustments we make in life as it relates to parenting.
04:15.22
David Hirsch
And you know that I have five children, they're ages 29 to 36 now. um You know, we we had certain expectations, right, whether that was educational or athletically and you know, um what what you do is you just sort of take life as it comes.
04:31.93
David Hirsch
Right. And if you are on the receiving end of the diagnosis, right, like you made reference to, it might be from the time of birth. Right. Something is just not right. Or it could be something that gets diagnosed later, like autism usually isn't diagnosed for a year, a couple years at the earliest. um You know, it's a ah lifeshattering life life adjusting experience. Some have said it's like a hand grenade going off. There's shrapnel flying all around and you know, you're just devastated, right? And for some, they quickly rebalance. For others, it's not just days or weeks, it's months or years.
05:05.82
David Hirsch
And there's this sort of process of being in denial, like especially if it's a intellectual disability type diagnosis. Oh, he's just a slow learner. You know, let's not pre-worry our worries. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, you know, type of thinking. By the way, those are all things that I said as a younger dad.
05:24.22
David Hirsch
Right. And I don't even have a child. that has a serious diagnosis. So um it's the way we process things. And I think one of the most important things I can say about the grieving process is that we don't all process things at the same rate.
05:43.00
David Hirsch
What I mean by that is that in a marriage or with a couple, whether they're married or not, the parents are not likely to process the situation simultaneously at the same level of the same rate. So I think that's really important to give your spouse or the other parent the grace to deal with things in their own way and not be judgmental or critical and just say, hey, you know, we need to figure out how to get on the same team and, you know, make the most of the situation.
06:15.45
David Hirsch
And the last thing I'll say is that the gold standard, if I can call it that, is that years, if not a decade or more down the road, that you could look back and actually not just think this, but articulate this and actually believe this, which is I would not have asked for a child with special needs, but knowing everything I know now, looking back, I wouldn't change anything.
06:40.12
David Hirsch
I hope that everybody can get to that point.
06:44.70
Jonathan Guerrero
I absolutely love your words on that, and I appreciate that you addressed the marriage. This takes me back to my own situation years ago. My oldest son was diagnosed at three with type 1 diabetes, and I remember sitting in the doctor's office waiting on some kind of a diagnosis, and we were told it was either going to be type 1 or it was going to be leukemia.
07:12.98
Jonathan Guerrero
And I remember the guilt of wishing that it was leukemia because I figured, well, with leukemia, he can get a bone marrow transplant and that might be a bit of a wait, but he should have plenty of time. And then this whole thing is over and then everything is fine.
07:30.62
Jonathan Guerrero
If it's type one, that's a life sentence. And I remember feeling feeling guilty for even thinking that and then addressing the marriage it really put a strain because we were grieving very, very different differently.
07:48.79
Jonathan Guerrero
I really didn't even know how to even grieve that situation. So there, there's so much with that. I know later on and in our conversation, we're going to talk about how the marriage is impacted a little bit further in detail, but that's what this takes me back to. So, um, I, I really appreciate what you had to say about that.
08:11.03
David Hirsch
Yeah, well, thanks for sharing.
08:11.06
Jonathan Guerrero
Um, Yeah. You've spent years defining what a 21st century dad looks like. How does that definition change when a child has a disability?
08:23.74
Jonathan Guerrero
Does the role of protector change into an advocate?
08:30.10
David Hirsch
That's a great question. i don't think we shed our role as a protector. I think that's just one of the basic requirements of any dad. um But I think what happens, just to react specifically to your question, that the level of advocacy has to get amped up, right?
08:49.85
David Hirsch
And I don't think dads generally think of themselves as advocates, right? Being able to be more intentional about advocating for their sons or daughters. you know Whether it's right or wrong, societally, no the child rearing experiences a majority of families are the mom's domain.
09:15.93
David Hirsch
Most things, healthcare and education, it's the mom's leading and the dad's following. There are some single dads or stay at home dads that are the leaders um and their families. So i'm not trying make a generalization, but by and large, the advocacy roles fall more heavily on mom's shoulders than dad's shoulders. So I think that um one of the things that we need to do as dads is to be that outspoken advocate, be the co-parent that our child deserves, that a mother of our children deserve, so that all the burden is and on their shoulders.
09:57.37
David Hirsch
And one simple example is like IEP meetings, right individual education plan meetings. It's really important for both parents to be present.
10:08.49
David Hirsch
It's a stretch, particularly if they're a traditional relationship, dad works, mom stay at home. um But prioritizing those, you know, once a semester, a couple times a semester meetings, you know, most of us can juggle our schedules because those meetings are scheduled not a day or two in advance, but weeks, if not months in advance.
10:29.72
David Hirsch
And it's just a way to demonstrate through our actions, not just our words that, you know, we're present and You've probably heard me talk about the importance of being present.
10:41.94
David Hirsch
And I'll just make reference to it briefly that being present financially is what like is the bar that most dads are being held to. If you're a good provider, you know, the other things aren't as important, but I would argue that regardless of your ability to provide financially,
11:01.72
David Hirsch
that being present physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually are just as important and in some cases even more important to be there for your kids.
11:11.29
Jonathan Guerrero
Oh, that's so interesting that you say that. Coming down the pipe a few episodes later, we're going to be ah releasing a panel interview. And the title of that interview is called The Provider Life.
11:27.16
Jonathan Guerrero
And we're tackling that very issue. it used to be, you know, 50 years ago and and more. Being a financial provider was the only definition of a provider.
11:41.05
Jonathan Guerrero
And you either met that criteria or you weren't a man, much less a provider for your home. And now that definition is changing.
11:52.15
Jonathan Guerrero
And not only that, but it's priority and position, it's changing. It's moved to the bottom. And now being emotionally stable, being an emotional provider,
12:03.22
Jonathan Guerrero
among other things. you know And then there's the physical, which is includes things like taking care of the house. So if something breaks, it's as a man, it's your responsibility to step up and make sure things in the home, appliances, things like that are in working order and functioning so that task in your home can operate smoothly.
12:24.22
Jonathan Guerrero
This is even privates prioritized above the financial. So if anything, the definition of of a provider has grown and the financial has moved further down.
12:40.31
David Hirsch
No question about it.
12:43.99
Jonathan Guerrero
Your book emphasizes the special father's network. Why is it that men specifically tend to isolate themselves when their child is diagnosed with a disability? And what is the cost of that isolation?
12:58.14
David Hirsch
ah Great question. um So for your listeners who don't know what the Special Fathers Network is, it's a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs.
13:09.59
David Hirsch
The concept is we have these more seasoned dads, we call them the Special Fathers Network mentor fathers, who on average have 10 or more years of experience raising a child with a disability, autism, Down syndrome, cerebral palsy, rare disease,
13:24.18
David Hirsch
Blind, deaf, missing a limb or limbs, no disabilities off limits. And we have just north of 900 dads who've agreed to be mentor fathers to come alongside these younger dads who are close to the beginning of their journey raising a child with a disability.
13:40.22
David Hirsch
So um the isolation question that you asked. most of the dads in the network, the mentor fathers have said almost to a person, i wish there was something like this when I was a younger dad.
13:57.46
David Hirsch
i felt so isolated. And what they're saying is that I didn't have anybody in my friend group, guys I went to school with, guys I work with, guys in my neighborhood that I could turn to or that would understand or appreciate, not even anybody in their family, in most cases, that could really appreciate what's going on at home.
14:16.38
David Hirsch
And they're a little bit hesitant to engage in conversation for a variety of reasons. um So we're filling this gap, this unmet need, right? By making somebody, providing ah an opportunity to have a relationship with somebody who's already been there and done that.
14:42.78
David Hirsch
And i would be quick to add that our mentor fathers don't give legal or ah medical advice. That's what lawyers and doctors do. This is just like practical advice on how did you handle situations you know from different um stages right in your child's development.
15:02.58
David Hirsch
um And that the isolation, i think, is self-imposed, not intentionally self-imposed, but it become it's a result of the uncertainty that's involved. Remember, Jonathan, we're the gender that doesn't pull over and ask for directions when we're lost.
15:24.92
David Hirsch
And a little tongue in cheek, I refer to this as testosterone poisoning. One of the side effects is the inability to accept advice, right?
15:32.86
Jonathan Guerrero
Yes.
15:33.75
David Hirsch
And the joke is, you know, if you're in your car, right, your spouse or whoever's sitting next to you says, hey I think we should pull over and ask for directions. You're like, No, I've got this right. I can figure this out.
15:44.31
David Hirsch
Right.
15:44.28
Jonathan Guerrero
Exactly.
15:45.54
David Hirsch
i'm I'm one of those guys. I mean, before GPS, there's no way I'm pulling over and asking him for directions. And we're talking about something as basic as how do you get from point A to point B in your vehicle.
15:51.59
Jonathan Guerrero
Yep.
15:57.08
David Hirsch
Now you apply that same problem solving approach to something more consequential, like being a parent or being a parent to a child with a disability, and you're gonna come up short, right? You're not gonna fix your kid, right? There is no fixed autism or Down syndrome or cerebral palsy or rare disease, right? And as fixers, most dads are fixers. Like we have a toolbox and we go to our toolbox and you know we try to figure out how to fix things.
16:22.55
David Hirsch
Well, when you can't fix something, right? It's frustrating. And it might lead to behavior that you know isn't going to be entirely healthy. It could be um disengaging, right?
16:35.51
David Hirsch
It could be alcohol, it could be drugs, it could be pornography, right? you know You might think, oh, my family is going better off without me, right? Because I can't do anything.
16:47.19
David Hirsch
So maybe we should split like mom and dad aren't going to be healthy together. Maybe it'll be healthier without me. And in the most extreme cases, guy gets so frustrated, he commits suicide, right?
16:59.84
David Hirsch
Unfortunately, that's not a huge problem, but it is an alternative. That is the solution that some people, you know, think is the solution. So if there's anything we can do to help these younger dads deal with the uncertainty that goes along with raising a child with a disability, you know, that's a huge step forward.
17:22.20
Jonathan Guerrero
Yeah, so I'm one of those dads that'll jump in with all the rest and say, yeah, I wish the i wish I knew about the Special Fathers Network when I was a dad. Because I would have loved to participate. I would have loved to have been involved with that.
17:35.26
Jonathan Guerrero
And I would have benefited from that. And here's why. I've done a few episodes on paternal postpartum depression. Which, yeah, that's a thing. Not only is that a thing, there's statistics on it.
17:47.26
Jonathan Guerrero
One in ten dads get it. And I was one of those that had it. And I had no help. I had no support. And that was coming off the pregnancy.
17:59.86
Jonathan Guerrero
Then you factor in an early type 1 diabetes diagnosis. I would have really, i could have used that. So yeah, this is why I appreciate that we're talking about it now.
18:14.65
Jonathan Guerrero
that that That boat has long left the dock for me, but it's right on time for somebody else. You provide a roadmap for the unexpected.
18:26.61
Jonathan Guerrero
What is the one piece of advice in the book for a dad walking into his first IEP meeting? And how does he lead in that room without becoming combative?
18:37.50
David Hirsch
Wow.
18:40.89
David Hirsch
I don't know that there's an easy way to answer that question about the first IEP meeting, but just being prepared, right? You know, understanding what's the purpose of an IEP meeting and, you know, maybe not going in with guns loaded, thinking, hey, I'm the leader. I'm going to be the one that's directing all this, but having some humility and being respectful right of the process.
19:07.93
David Hirsch
This is what these people in the educational world do. right you know You might be one of dozens, if not hundreds of families at that school that are participating in IEP meetings. So just recognize at least at first that there's a process, there's a system. It's been that way for years, if not decades.
19:28.38
David Hirsch
And i think the main objective is to make sure that everybody's on the same page, right? That the goals of the child are crystal clear and that um you want to make sure that
19:46.18
David Hirsch
you're being heard and understood. So there's a number of different strategies that I picked up on a that both parents are there.
19:57.21
David Hirsch
And in some cases, it's suggested that you have your child there. Right. So they're not speaking of your child sort of generically or just as another number. But, you know, there's the human being sitting there.
20:09.27
David Hirsch
Right. The child doesn't have to participate. They don't even have to fully appreciate or understand what's going on. But you know, there's another dimension, right? You have Option A, mom goes in, which is typical, no dad present.
20:24.02
David Hirsch
Option B, mom and dad go in, right? Your two is better than one mentality. Option three is to have a third person. And that third person logically would be the child who the IEP is being created for, the beneficiary, if you will.
20:41.53
David Hirsch
And then in some extreme examples, once you've been to these IEP meetings and you feel like you're not being heard or understood your situation's not being addressed, you can bring an advocate in, right?
20:55.16
David Hirsch
Um, somebody who's more experienced, right. Maybe with the legal ability of everything, right. To be there. Right. Um, I wouldn't suggest you start with that only because that's like playing hard ball.
21:08.54
David Hirsch
Like I'm bringing in a professional, right. Somebody who's, you know, I'm paying to be there alongside us. That would be, maybe a strategy that you would consider steps down the road, right? When you know you you might not be getting to where you'd like to be, or if they keep coming back and saying, oh, we don't have the resources for that, or we can't do this. You're getting a lot of no's.
21:32.79
David Hirsch
And then the one last thing I'd like to say about IEPs in reaction to your question, is there's a woman that I interviewed for the SFN Dad to Dad podcast. um Her name is Whittacher, Catherine Whittacher, and she's up in Wisconsin.
21:51.48
David Hirsch
And she is the queen of IEPs, right? She's been on both sides as a parent and as an educator and as an administrator. And she knows more about IEPs than most people will ever know.
22:04.18
David Hirsch
And she has some great resources for parents as it relates to IEPs. Catherine Whitticher. So please be sure to include some information in your show notes about how to contact her.
22:21.24
Jonathan Guerrero
ah Yes, and absolutely. As an as a side, would you mind sitting that as well when you can?
22:27.65
David Hirsch
to. I'll make a note.
22:28.06
Jonathan Guerrero
Yeah, and I'll make sure that gets in there.
22:31.86
Jonathan Guerrero
Statistically, the stress on a marriage with special needs with a special needs child is immense. In your interviews for the book, what did you find was a common denominator among the couples who don't just survive, but actually thrived?
22:49.85
David Hirsch
Another good question. um
22:54.33
David Hirsch
I don't know what the statistics are, Jonathan, about the incidence of divorce as relates to typical marriage versus a marriage that includes a child with a disability.
23:05.88
David Hirsch
But logically, if There's the extra stress and strain financial responsibility that goes along with disability diagnosis.
23:17.53
David Hirsch
You can only imagine that the incidence divorce would be higher. I don't know what the statistics are. and I don't to say I don't care, but that's not what's driven me to be involved and it's not going to change the action or our activities.
23:34.23
David Hirsch
So the question as I understood it was, what is it that helps parents thrive despite the fact that they have a child with a disability?
23:45.91
David Hirsch
What's the difference between those that are more successful or less successful? And
23:54.58
David Hirsch
i think what it boils down to is being aligned, right, in your goal of keeping your child's best interest you know at the forefront and that it has a lot to do with communication, um being able to articulate your your feelings, your aspirations, your fears,
24:24.22
David Hirsch
and not being judged, right? So giving another one another the grace like we were talking about earlier. And the importance of respite comes to mind.
24:39.71
David Hirsch
Couples respite where you're able to get away for a short period of time on a daily, weekly, monthly basis as a couple. It could be going to the grocery store together. It might be going out for a cup of coffee. It could be going for a walk.
24:55.86
David Hirsch
um Or could be more consequential where you can go out to dinner. or go away for an evening or a weekend or a week, right? Because you've got the type of coverage that you'd be comfortable with either family-wise or otherwise.
25:11.80
David Hirsch
um The concept of respite goes beyond couples respite. It would be individual respite where each of the parents, mom or dad, gives the other, you know, the opportunity to pursue something that's important to them that might not be on the family's behalf directly. And it could be a hobby.
25:32.18
David Hirsch
It could be something that is a priority to like get together with guys in the neighborhood or guys they went to school with or something that's important to mom to get together with their girlfriends locally or you know girlfriends that might live a longer distance away where you're getting on a plane or driving someplace. And I think this concept of being able to maintain some level of, if you will, normalcy, right with your relationships so that it's not all about hunkering down and, you know,
26:08.79
David Hirsch
having to be there every minute of every day, 24 seven with your kids and being disciplined or intentional about finding the time as a couple, finding time individually.
26:21.08
David Hirsch
And I think that that respite allows us to recharge our batteries and bring our A game. And the last thing I'll say is the importance of self-care, not just for dads, but for moms as well.
26:35.54
David Hirsch
um staying healthy from a physical standpoint, an emotional standpoint, so that you know you're not getting burned out.
26:45.85
David Hirsch
And it's really easy to talk about those things, but in the heat of battle, trying to manage just the balance between work and family is a pretty big challenge for most, but finding the time to take care of yourself.
26:59.77
David Hirsch
And there was a guy that I interviewed super early on with the Special Fathers Network, Dad to Dad podcast. His name is Rob Gorski. And Rob is in, I think, Canton, Ohio, three boys, all three of them are on the spectrum and they have like a flurry of other diagnosis.
27:17.56
David Hirsch
The autism is not like the biggest challenge of things. um And Rob, had done a lot of journaling was his therapy.
27:28.82
David Hirsch
It morphed into something called the Autism Dad. It's pretty interesting platform that he's created for himself. And he was the first person I heard say, it's important to be self-ish before you can be selfless.
27:44.89
David Hirsch
the importance of taking care of yourself first so that you can bring your A game and be more consistent for being there for your kids, being there for your family.
27:59.77
Jonathan Guerrero
Dads often worry about typical typical siblings being overlooked. What does your book say about maintaining a level ah level playing field of attention and leadership for all your children?
28:13.96
David Hirsch
Isaac, that's a great question. I'm going to paraphrase it to make sure I understood. i think the question you're asking is about siblings and family balance. um And the point you're making, the question that you're asking sort of bags, the fact that if you have more than one child and let's say you have a typical child and one or more typical children,
28:44.38
David Hirsch
um you're a father to all of your children, not just the one that has a diagnosis. And unfortunately, at least early on when there is a diagnosis, there's a disproportionate amount of time and resources, in some cases, financial resources as well, that the parents are drawn to because of the child with a disability. And it's super important for parents to be reminded that their parents to all their children.
29:16.15
David Hirsch
And if there are three children, just as an example, it's unlikely in any situation that each child is gonna get a third, a third, a third of their parents' time and resources.
29:27.94
David Hirsch
It's just statistically improbable, but we wanna be equitable, I think as parents and make sure that, you know, we're blind we're not blind to the fact that, you know,
29:41.78
David Hirsch
the fact that there's a person in the family with a disability isn't only impacting the parents, it's impacting their siblings as well. And to maintain open lines of communication about how this is impacting the siblings, super important.
29:59.77
David Hirsch
And to be able to do things one-on-one with each of your children, right? to demonstrate that they're a priority, that they're just as important, a member of the family as anybody else.
30:13.18
David Hirsch
And trying to create these routines, weekly, monthly, quarterly, at least annually, that you're doing things, you know, one-on-one, with each of your kids.
30:25.37
David Hirsch
Now, I realize that depending on the severity of somebody's disability, that it might be impractical to do things as a family, like traveling overnight or for the weekend or for long distances.
30:40.38
David Hirsch
And that the practical solution in some cases is that the typical siblings and the parents go on a vacation without their handicapped or disabled child.
30:54.07
David Hirsch
Now that's not good or bad, but that's just the reality of trying to maintain, you know, some level of normalcy. So to address the question you asked Isaac, I don't think it's a one size fits all, but I think as long as parents are aware of this issue of siblings and family balance and are intentional about it,
31:14.39
David Hirsch
then it's unlikely that somebody is gonna realize a year or years or a decade down the road that you know there was an issue that wasn't being addressed. And the last thing I'll say is that there are something called SIBS networks, sibling organizations. There's a national SIBS network, and then there are local chapters.
31:34.04
David Hirsch
So for any of the parents that are listening, If this is an issue, right, that is a priority or important, I would strongly suggest they get plugged into one of the local SIBs networks.
31:53.57
Jonathan Guerrero
Disability often comes with might with massive financial burden. How does the book offer any wisdom on how a father can lead his family through the economic pivot that often follows a diagnosis?
32:07.26
David Hirsch
Holy moly. um Well, I'm thinking about what's in the book. And then I'm also thinking about what is it I do for a living. And I'm certainly not able to give financial advice on a podcast or generically, but Practically speaking, i think that um because one of our big priorities as a parent or as a dad for that matter is to be a financial provider, i think it would be critical, super important to make sure that you do the foundational things. um
32:40.70
David Hirsch
And the first is to have the proper level of life insurance.
32:44.50
Jonathan Guerrero
Thank you.
32:44.86
David Hirsch
Right. It's remarkable to me in my 41 years as a professional financial advisor, when I'm meeting with a couple for the first time and I'm doing a full, very broad, you know, arms around getting an understanding about where they're at, what's going on.
33:01.98
David Hirsch
I'm shocked by the lack of things like life insurance and wills. Right. So I think it's super important that the dad takes the lead and doesn't um be a subordinate to the mom to take the lead on what we're talking about. So two basic things, make sure the wills are in place, guardians have been identified you know through the wills and that you have adequate level of life insurance.
33:34.62
David Hirsch
So in the unlikely event that something happens to dad, if he's the primary breadwinner, it's not gonna leave the family in a lurch. Those are the two basic things that come to mind. Beyond that, I think another responsibility that the dad probably should take the initiative on is to do the financial planning with individuals who are more experienced.
34:01.33
David Hirsch
There's something called the Special Needs Alliance, which is a group of about 150, more 200 attorneys around the US who have committed more than 50% or more of their practices to serving the disability community.
34:15.61
David Hirsch
And these are the eagles within the financial planning world who have dedicated themselves to serving families with disability. And when I say financial planning, I'm talking about from a legal perspective, not from an investment perspective.
34:30.65
David Hirsch
and making sure that if there is a need for special needs trusts to be set up, that you engage sooner than later and educate yourself um about what's involved and align yourself with somebody that could provide you with those services as early as practical. And the reason i suggest that is that it's going to take some of the burden off of your mind of what happens in all these different scenarios.
34:59.13
David Hirsch
um Oftentimes, parents who have a child with a disability are either looking backwards, grieving the coulda, woulda, shoulda type of situation.
35:10.55
David Hirsch
What would our lives be like if we didn't have a child with a disability mentality? robbing themselves of being present in their child's lives by always looking backwards. And then thinking about it the other direction, they're worrying about the future, right? All these different scenarios, who's going to take care of my child?
35:30.26
David Hirsch
You know, what's going to happen after I'm gone? You know, all these concerns that are logical, right? We're human beings, right? So I think by going through the planning process, it erases some of the uncertainty because you've thought through it. It's not easy.
35:47.38
David Hirsch
It's not like one short conversation. It's a process. But if you align yourself with people that have the level of experience that I'm referring to, hopefully it irons out some of the wrinkles and takes away some of the anxiety that goes along with the fear of the future.
36:04.63
Jonathan Guerrero
If you're listening to this and you're that dad, the one who just got the diagnosis, the one sitting in the hospital parking lot, or the one struggling to find the words to explain things to your other kids, I want you to hear this.
36:19.10
Jonathan Guerrero
The map has changed, but the mission remains. You were chosen for this specific journey because you have the capacity to be the advocate, the protector, and the hero that your child needs.
36:32.47
Jonathan Guerrero
But as David has shown us today, a hero without a squad is just a target. You don't have to carry the weight of this diagnosis on your own shoulders. David's book, Dad's Raising Children with Special Needs and Disabilities, is your new tactical manual.
36:48.62
Jonathan Guerrero
It's filled with the collective wisdom of over a thousand fathers who have walked exactly where you're standing. It's got the strategy you need for meetings, the heart you need for the hard nights, and even the dad jokes that you need to keep your spirits intact.
37:04.86
Jonathan Guerrero
Order the book. You can find dads raising children with special needs and disabilities right now on Amazon. We've placed a direct link right below the episode description to make it super easy.
37:16.34
Jonathan Guerrero
Just look for the episode called Strength and Strategy for Special Needs Dads. I'll say it again. Strength and Strategy for Special Needs Dads.
37:28.76
Jonathan Guerrero
if you If you want to connect with the Special Fathers Network or find a mastermind group of men who get it, head over to 21stCenturyDads.org. That's 21stCenturyDads.org.
37:41.75
Jonathan Guerrero
That link will also be below the episode description. Your child's disability is not a detour. It's a new territory where your leadership is needed more than ever.
37:54.04
Jonathan Guerrero
Get the book, find your tribe, and keep standing tall. A big, big thank you to David Hirsch for his decades of service to fathers everywhere. Until next time, stay durable, stay present, and remember that your presence is the greatest gift your family will ever receive.
38:13.90
Jonathan Guerrero
We'll see you in the next episode.
38:18.10
David Hirsch
Jonathan, that was terrific. Thank you so much.
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View all episodes
By Jonathan GuerreroEvery man has a vision of what fatherhood will look like. We imagine the ball games, the graduations, and the moment we pass down our skills to the next generation. But for millions of fathers, that vision is redirected by a single moment in a doctor’s office. A diagnosis is handed across a desk, and suddenly, the map you’ve been following for your life is gone.
You’re in a new territory. It’s a landscape defined by therapies, advocacy, and a level of emotional complexity that most men aren't trained for. In that moment, many dads feel like they’ve been drafted into a war they didn't sign up for, without a manual or a squad.
Today’s guest is the man who has written that manual. David Hirsch is the founder of the 21st Century Dads Foundation and the creator of the Special Fathers Network—a 'tribe' of thousands of men supporting one another through the unique challenges of raising children with special needs. In this episode we have a conversation about his new book, Dads Raising Children with Special Needs and Disabilities.
Purchase Dads Raising Children with Special Needs and Disabilities here: https://amzn.to/4cUdHNf
Connect with other dads at Special Fathers Network here: https://21stcenturydads.org/
Here is a link to the episode mentioned in this episode with Catherine Whitcher of Milwaukee, WI, Mother of Two Daughters & Nationally Recognized Expert on IEPs: https://21stcenturydads.org/202-catherine-whitcher-of-milwaukee-wi-mother-of-two-daughters-nationally-recognized-expert-on-ieps/
If you’re just as passionate as The Fatherhood Challenge about turning the hearts of fathers to their children and have a unique story, testimony or resource to share with our podcast and radio audience, we would love to have you as a guest on our program. To apply visit: https://podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/thefatherhoodchallenge
Create your podcast today! #madeonzencastr
https://zencastr.com/?via=thefatherhoodchallenge
00:05.34
Jonathan Guerrero
Every man has a vision of what fatherhood will look like. We imagine ball games, the graduations, and the moment we pass down our skills to the next generation. But for millions of fathers, that vision is redirected by a single moment in the doctor's office.
00:20.92
Jonathan Guerrero
A diagnosis is handed across the desk, and suddenly the map that you've been following for your life is gone. You're in new territory. It's a landscape defined by therapies, advocacy, and a level of emotional complexity that most men aren't trained for.
00:37.59
Jonathan Guerrero
In that moment, many dads feel like they've been drafted into a war that they didn't sign up for without even a manual or a squad. Today's guest is a man who has written that manual, and in just a few moments, we're going to learn a bit about what's inside, so don't go anywhere.
01:35.22
Jonathan Guerrero
Greetings everyone. Thank you so much for joining me and my son and co-host Isaac. Hello everyone. Welcome to the Father Who Challenge. David Hirsch is the founder of 21st Century Dads Foundation and the creator of Special Fathers Network, a tribe of thousands of men supporting one another through the unique challenges of raising children with special needs. David's new book, Dads Raising Children with Special Needs and Disabilities, isn't just a collection of stories. It's a tactical roadmap.
02:04.02
Jonathan Guerrero
It's for the dad who feels isolated, the dad who's struggling to navigate the medical system, and the dad who needs to know that his strength isn't measured by his ability to fix his child, but by his resolve to stand with them.
02:19.74
Jonathan Guerrero
David, welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge.
02:23.16
David Hirsch
Jonathan and Isaac, thank you so much. I really look forward to our conversation.
02:28.06
Jonathan Guerrero
Okay, so here's one of my favorite parts. David, what's your favorite dad joke?
02:33.85
David Hirsch
Oh, geez. I knew you were going to ask the question, Jonathan. Um, and you, you know, that there's like a dad joke in each of the chapters, the 21 chapters of this book.
02:42.12
Jonathan Guerrero
oh yeah
02:43.17
David Hirsch
So I'll just share a couple. Um, I don't know that they're my favorites, but they're the ones that come to mind. Um, why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
02:54.74
Jonathan Guerrero
uh isaac you can know this
02:54.90
David Hirsch
in case he got a hole in one.
03:00.44
David Hirsch
The other ah that comes to mind is, i ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know which one came first.
03:13.29
David Hirsch
We're gonna stop there.
03:13.66
Jonathan Guerrero
I almost thought I knew where that one was going.
03:14.73
David Hirsch
they're just They're all lame like that. They're all lame like that, okay.
03:20.28
Jonathan Guerrero
Thank you so much for sharing that. Well, David, in your book, you talk about a moment a father receives a diagnosis. For many men, this feels like a death like the death of a future that they imagine.
03:33.46
Jonathan Guerrero
How does a dad grieve that dream without withdrawing from the child who is right in front of them?
03:40.31
David Hirsch
Yeah, great question. I don't know that there's a one size fits all, but, you know, it's like a lot of things in life. um You know, you have your plans, you have your expectations and life rarely works out that way.
03:52.60
David Hirsch
One thought that comes to mind is that you can't connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backwards. And You know, each of us has ah dreams or aspirations that are dashed right at one point another. Right. It has nothing to do with a diagnosis or raising a child with special needs. But, you know, those are just the adjustments we make in life as it relates to parenting.
04:15.22
David Hirsch
And you know that I have five children, they're ages 29 to 36 now. um You know, we we had certain expectations, right, whether that was educational or athletically and you know, um what what you do is you just sort of take life as it comes.
04:31.93
David Hirsch
Right. And if you are on the receiving end of the diagnosis, right, like you made reference to, it might be from the time of birth. Right. Something is just not right. Or it could be something that gets diagnosed later, like autism usually isn't diagnosed for a year, a couple years at the earliest. um You know, it's a ah lifeshattering life life adjusting experience. Some have said it's like a hand grenade going off. There's shrapnel flying all around and you know, you're just devastated, right? And for some, they quickly rebalance. For others, it's not just days or weeks, it's months or years.
05:05.82
David Hirsch
And there's this sort of process of being in denial, like especially if it's a intellectual disability type diagnosis. Oh, he's just a slow learner. You know, let's not pre-worry our worries. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, you know, type of thinking. By the way, those are all things that I said as a younger dad.
05:24.22
David Hirsch
Right. And I don't even have a child. that has a serious diagnosis. So um it's the way we process things. And I think one of the most important things I can say about the grieving process is that we don't all process things at the same rate.
05:43.00
David Hirsch
What I mean by that is that in a marriage or with a couple, whether they're married or not, the parents are not likely to process the situation simultaneously at the same level of the same rate. So I think that's really important to give your spouse or the other parent the grace to deal with things in their own way and not be judgmental or critical and just say, hey, you know, we need to figure out how to get on the same team and, you know, make the most of the situation.
06:15.45
David Hirsch
And the last thing I'll say is that the gold standard, if I can call it that, is that years, if not a decade or more down the road, that you could look back and actually not just think this, but articulate this and actually believe this, which is I would not have asked for a child with special needs, but knowing everything I know now, looking back, I wouldn't change anything.
06:40.12
David Hirsch
I hope that everybody can get to that point.
06:44.70
Jonathan Guerrero
I absolutely love your words on that, and I appreciate that you addressed the marriage. This takes me back to my own situation years ago. My oldest son was diagnosed at three with type 1 diabetes, and I remember sitting in the doctor's office waiting on some kind of a diagnosis, and we were told it was either going to be type 1 or it was going to be leukemia.
07:12.98
Jonathan Guerrero
And I remember the guilt of wishing that it was leukemia because I figured, well, with leukemia, he can get a bone marrow transplant and that might be a bit of a wait, but he should have plenty of time. And then this whole thing is over and then everything is fine.
07:30.62
Jonathan Guerrero
If it's type one, that's a life sentence. And I remember feeling feeling guilty for even thinking that and then addressing the marriage it really put a strain because we were grieving very, very different differently.
07:48.79
Jonathan Guerrero
I really didn't even know how to even grieve that situation. So there, there's so much with that. I know later on and in our conversation, we're going to talk about how the marriage is impacted a little bit further in detail, but that's what this takes me back to. So, um, I, I really appreciate what you had to say about that.
08:11.03
David Hirsch
Yeah, well, thanks for sharing.
08:11.06
Jonathan Guerrero
Um, Yeah. You've spent years defining what a 21st century dad looks like. How does that definition change when a child has a disability?
08:23.74
Jonathan Guerrero
Does the role of protector change into an advocate?
08:30.10
David Hirsch
That's a great question. i don't think we shed our role as a protector. I think that's just one of the basic requirements of any dad. um But I think what happens, just to react specifically to your question, that the level of advocacy has to get amped up, right?
08:49.85
David Hirsch
And I don't think dads generally think of themselves as advocates, right? Being able to be more intentional about advocating for their sons or daughters. you know Whether it's right or wrong, societally, no the child rearing experiences a majority of families are the mom's domain.
09:15.93
David Hirsch
Most things, healthcare and education, it's the mom's leading and the dad's following. There are some single dads or stay at home dads that are the leaders um and their families. So i'm not trying make a generalization, but by and large, the advocacy roles fall more heavily on mom's shoulders than dad's shoulders. So I think that um one of the things that we need to do as dads is to be that outspoken advocate, be the co-parent that our child deserves, that a mother of our children deserve, so that all the burden is and on their shoulders.
09:57.37
David Hirsch
And one simple example is like IEP meetings, right individual education plan meetings. It's really important for both parents to be present.
10:08.49
David Hirsch
It's a stretch, particularly if they're a traditional relationship, dad works, mom stay at home. um But prioritizing those, you know, once a semester, a couple times a semester meetings, you know, most of us can juggle our schedules because those meetings are scheduled not a day or two in advance, but weeks, if not months in advance.
10:29.72
David Hirsch
And it's just a way to demonstrate through our actions, not just our words that, you know, we're present and You've probably heard me talk about the importance of being present.
10:41.94
David Hirsch
And I'll just make reference to it briefly that being present financially is what like is the bar that most dads are being held to. If you're a good provider, you know, the other things aren't as important, but I would argue that regardless of your ability to provide financially,
11:01.72
David Hirsch
that being present physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually are just as important and in some cases even more important to be there for your kids.
11:11.29
Jonathan Guerrero
Oh, that's so interesting that you say that. Coming down the pipe a few episodes later, we're going to be ah releasing a panel interview. And the title of that interview is called The Provider Life.
11:27.16
Jonathan Guerrero
And we're tackling that very issue. it used to be, you know, 50 years ago and and more. Being a financial provider was the only definition of a provider.
11:41.05
Jonathan Guerrero
And you either met that criteria or you weren't a man, much less a provider for your home. And now that definition is changing.
11:52.15
Jonathan Guerrero
And not only that, but it's priority and position, it's changing. It's moved to the bottom. And now being emotionally stable, being an emotional provider,
12:03.22
Jonathan Guerrero
among other things. you know And then there's the physical, which is includes things like taking care of the house. So if something breaks, it's as a man, it's your responsibility to step up and make sure things in the home, appliances, things like that are in working order and functioning so that task in your home can operate smoothly.
12:24.22
Jonathan Guerrero
This is even privates prioritized above the financial. So if anything, the definition of of a provider has grown and the financial has moved further down.
12:40.31
David Hirsch
No question about it.
12:43.99
Jonathan Guerrero
Your book emphasizes the special father's network. Why is it that men specifically tend to isolate themselves when their child is diagnosed with a disability? And what is the cost of that isolation?
12:58.14
David Hirsch
ah Great question. um So for your listeners who don't know what the Special Fathers Network is, it's a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs.
13:09.59
David Hirsch
The concept is we have these more seasoned dads, we call them the Special Fathers Network mentor fathers, who on average have 10 or more years of experience raising a child with a disability, autism, Down syndrome, cerebral palsy, rare disease,
13:24.18
David Hirsch
Blind, deaf, missing a limb or limbs, no disabilities off limits. And we have just north of 900 dads who've agreed to be mentor fathers to come alongside these younger dads who are close to the beginning of their journey raising a child with a disability.
13:40.22
David Hirsch
So um the isolation question that you asked. most of the dads in the network, the mentor fathers have said almost to a person, i wish there was something like this when I was a younger dad.
13:57.46
David Hirsch
i felt so isolated. And what they're saying is that I didn't have anybody in my friend group, guys I went to school with, guys I work with, guys in my neighborhood that I could turn to or that would understand or appreciate, not even anybody in their family, in most cases, that could really appreciate what's going on at home.
14:16.38
David Hirsch
And they're a little bit hesitant to engage in conversation for a variety of reasons. um So we're filling this gap, this unmet need, right? By making somebody, providing ah an opportunity to have a relationship with somebody who's already been there and done that.
14:42.78
David Hirsch
And i would be quick to add that our mentor fathers don't give legal or ah medical advice. That's what lawyers and doctors do. This is just like practical advice on how did you handle situations you know from different um stages right in your child's development.
15:02.58
David Hirsch
um And that the isolation, i think, is self-imposed, not intentionally self-imposed, but it become it's a result of the uncertainty that's involved. Remember, Jonathan, we're the gender that doesn't pull over and ask for directions when we're lost.
15:24.92
David Hirsch
And a little tongue in cheek, I refer to this as testosterone poisoning. One of the side effects is the inability to accept advice, right?
15:32.86
Jonathan Guerrero
Yes.
15:33.75
David Hirsch
And the joke is, you know, if you're in your car, right, your spouse or whoever's sitting next to you says, hey I think we should pull over and ask for directions. You're like, No, I've got this right. I can figure this out.
15:44.31
David Hirsch
Right.
15:44.28
Jonathan Guerrero
Exactly.
15:45.54
David Hirsch
i'm I'm one of those guys. I mean, before GPS, there's no way I'm pulling over and asking him for directions. And we're talking about something as basic as how do you get from point A to point B in your vehicle.
15:51.59
Jonathan Guerrero
Yep.
15:57.08
David Hirsch
Now you apply that same problem solving approach to something more consequential, like being a parent or being a parent to a child with a disability, and you're gonna come up short, right? You're not gonna fix your kid, right? There is no fixed autism or Down syndrome or cerebral palsy or rare disease, right? And as fixers, most dads are fixers. Like we have a toolbox and we go to our toolbox and you know we try to figure out how to fix things.
16:22.55
David Hirsch
Well, when you can't fix something, right? It's frustrating. And it might lead to behavior that you know isn't going to be entirely healthy. It could be um disengaging, right?
16:35.51
David Hirsch
It could be alcohol, it could be drugs, it could be pornography, right? you know You might think, oh, my family is going better off without me, right? Because I can't do anything.
16:47.19
David Hirsch
So maybe we should split like mom and dad aren't going to be healthy together. Maybe it'll be healthier without me. And in the most extreme cases, guy gets so frustrated, he commits suicide, right?
16:59.84
David Hirsch
Unfortunately, that's not a huge problem, but it is an alternative. That is the solution that some people, you know, think is the solution. So if there's anything we can do to help these younger dads deal with the uncertainty that goes along with raising a child with a disability, you know, that's a huge step forward.
17:22.20
Jonathan Guerrero
Yeah, so I'm one of those dads that'll jump in with all the rest and say, yeah, I wish the i wish I knew about the Special Fathers Network when I was a dad. Because I would have loved to participate. I would have loved to have been involved with that.
17:35.26
Jonathan Guerrero
And I would have benefited from that. And here's why. I've done a few episodes on paternal postpartum depression. Which, yeah, that's a thing. Not only is that a thing, there's statistics on it.
17:47.26
Jonathan Guerrero
One in ten dads get it. And I was one of those that had it. And I had no help. I had no support. And that was coming off the pregnancy.
17:59.86
Jonathan Guerrero
Then you factor in an early type 1 diabetes diagnosis. I would have really, i could have used that. So yeah, this is why I appreciate that we're talking about it now.
18:14.65
Jonathan Guerrero
that that That boat has long left the dock for me, but it's right on time for somebody else. You provide a roadmap for the unexpected.
18:26.61
Jonathan Guerrero
What is the one piece of advice in the book for a dad walking into his first IEP meeting? And how does he lead in that room without becoming combative?
18:37.50
David Hirsch
Wow.
18:40.89
David Hirsch
I don't know that there's an easy way to answer that question about the first IEP meeting, but just being prepared, right? You know, understanding what's the purpose of an IEP meeting and, you know, maybe not going in with guns loaded, thinking, hey, I'm the leader. I'm going to be the one that's directing all this, but having some humility and being respectful right of the process.
19:07.93
David Hirsch
This is what these people in the educational world do. right you know You might be one of dozens, if not hundreds of families at that school that are participating in IEP meetings. So just recognize at least at first that there's a process, there's a system. It's been that way for years, if not decades.
19:28.38
David Hirsch
And i think the main objective is to make sure that everybody's on the same page, right? That the goals of the child are crystal clear and that um you want to make sure that
19:46.18
David Hirsch
you're being heard and understood. So there's a number of different strategies that I picked up on a that both parents are there.
19:57.21
David Hirsch
And in some cases, it's suggested that you have your child there. Right. So they're not speaking of your child sort of generically or just as another number. But, you know, there's the human being sitting there.
20:09.27
David Hirsch
Right. The child doesn't have to participate. They don't even have to fully appreciate or understand what's going on. But you know, there's another dimension, right? You have Option A, mom goes in, which is typical, no dad present.
20:24.02
David Hirsch
Option B, mom and dad go in, right? Your two is better than one mentality. Option three is to have a third person. And that third person logically would be the child who the IEP is being created for, the beneficiary, if you will.
20:41.53
David Hirsch
And then in some extreme examples, once you've been to these IEP meetings and you feel like you're not being heard or understood your situation's not being addressed, you can bring an advocate in, right?
20:55.16
David Hirsch
Um, somebody who's more experienced, right. Maybe with the legal ability of everything, right. To be there. Right. Um, I wouldn't suggest you start with that only because that's like playing hard ball.
21:08.54
David Hirsch
Like I'm bringing in a professional, right. Somebody who's, you know, I'm paying to be there alongside us. That would be, maybe a strategy that you would consider steps down the road, right? When you know you you might not be getting to where you'd like to be, or if they keep coming back and saying, oh, we don't have the resources for that, or we can't do this. You're getting a lot of no's.
21:32.79
David Hirsch
And then the one last thing I'd like to say about IEPs in reaction to your question, is there's a woman that I interviewed for the SFN Dad to Dad podcast. um Her name is Whittacher, Catherine Whittacher, and she's up in Wisconsin.
21:51.48
David Hirsch
And she is the queen of IEPs, right? She's been on both sides as a parent and as an educator and as an administrator. And she knows more about IEPs than most people will ever know.
22:04.18
David Hirsch
And she has some great resources for parents as it relates to IEPs. Catherine Whitticher. So please be sure to include some information in your show notes about how to contact her.
22:21.24
Jonathan Guerrero
ah Yes, and absolutely. As an as a side, would you mind sitting that as well when you can?
22:27.65
David Hirsch
to. I'll make a note.
22:28.06
Jonathan Guerrero
Yeah, and I'll make sure that gets in there.
22:31.86
Jonathan Guerrero
Statistically, the stress on a marriage with special needs with a special needs child is immense. In your interviews for the book, what did you find was a common denominator among the couples who don't just survive, but actually thrived?
22:49.85
David Hirsch
Another good question. um
22:54.33
David Hirsch
I don't know what the statistics are, Jonathan, about the incidence of divorce as relates to typical marriage versus a marriage that includes a child with a disability.
23:05.88
David Hirsch
But logically, if There's the extra stress and strain financial responsibility that goes along with disability diagnosis.
23:17.53
David Hirsch
You can only imagine that the incidence divorce would be higher. I don't know what the statistics are. and I don't to say I don't care, but that's not what's driven me to be involved and it's not going to change the action or our activities.
23:34.23
David Hirsch
So the question as I understood it was, what is it that helps parents thrive despite the fact that they have a child with a disability?
23:45.91
David Hirsch
What's the difference between those that are more successful or less successful? And
23:54.58
David Hirsch
i think what it boils down to is being aligned, right, in your goal of keeping your child's best interest you know at the forefront and that it has a lot to do with communication, um being able to articulate your your feelings, your aspirations, your fears,
24:24.22
David Hirsch
and not being judged, right? So giving another one another the grace like we were talking about earlier. And the importance of respite comes to mind.
24:39.71
David Hirsch
Couples respite where you're able to get away for a short period of time on a daily, weekly, monthly basis as a couple. It could be going to the grocery store together. It might be going out for a cup of coffee. It could be going for a walk.
24:55.86
David Hirsch
um Or could be more consequential where you can go out to dinner. or go away for an evening or a weekend or a week, right? Because you've got the type of coverage that you'd be comfortable with either family-wise or otherwise.
25:11.80
David Hirsch
um The concept of respite goes beyond couples respite. It would be individual respite where each of the parents, mom or dad, gives the other, you know, the opportunity to pursue something that's important to them that might not be on the family's behalf directly. And it could be a hobby.
25:32.18
David Hirsch
It could be something that is a priority to like get together with guys in the neighborhood or guys they went to school with or something that's important to mom to get together with their girlfriends locally or you know girlfriends that might live a longer distance away where you're getting on a plane or driving someplace. And I think this concept of being able to maintain some level of, if you will, normalcy, right with your relationships so that it's not all about hunkering down and, you know,
26:08.79
David Hirsch
having to be there every minute of every day, 24 seven with your kids and being disciplined or intentional about finding the time as a couple, finding time individually.
26:21.08
David Hirsch
And I think that that respite allows us to recharge our batteries and bring our A game. And the last thing I'll say is the importance of self-care, not just for dads, but for moms as well.
26:35.54
David Hirsch
um staying healthy from a physical standpoint, an emotional standpoint, so that you know you're not getting burned out.
26:45.85
David Hirsch
And it's really easy to talk about those things, but in the heat of battle, trying to manage just the balance between work and family is a pretty big challenge for most, but finding the time to take care of yourself.
26:59.77
David Hirsch
And there was a guy that I interviewed super early on with the Special Fathers Network, Dad to Dad podcast. His name is Rob Gorski. And Rob is in, I think, Canton, Ohio, three boys, all three of them are on the spectrum and they have like a flurry of other diagnosis.
27:17.56
David Hirsch
The autism is not like the biggest challenge of things. um And Rob, had done a lot of journaling was his therapy.
27:28.82
David Hirsch
It morphed into something called the Autism Dad. It's pretty interesting platform that he's created for himself. And he was the first person I heard say, it's important to be self-ish before you can be selfless.
27:44.89
David Hirsch
the importance of taking care of yourself first so that you can bring your A game and be more consistent for being there for your kids, being there for your family.
27:59.77
Jonathan Guerrero
Dads often worry about typical typical siblings being overlooked. What does your book say about maintaining a level ah level playing field of attention and leadership for all your children?
28:13.96
David Hirsch
Isaac, that's a great question. I'm going to paraphrase it to make sure I understood. i think the question you're asking is about siblings and family balance. um And the point you're making, the question that you're asking sort of bags, the fact that if you have more than one child and let's say you have a typical child and one or more typical children,
28:44.38
David Hirsch
um you're a father to all of your children, not just the one that has a diagnosis. And unfortunately, at least early on when there is a diagnosis, there's a disproportionate amount of time and resources, in some cases, financial resources as well, that the parents are drawn to because of the child with a disability. And it's super important for parents to be reminded that their parents to all their children.
29:16.15
David Hirsch
And if there are three children, just as an example, it's unlikely in any situation that each child is gonna get a third, a third, a third of their parents' time and resources.
29:27.94
David Hirsch
It's just statistically improbable, but we wanna be equitable, I think as parents and make sure that, you know, we're blind we're not blind to the fact that, you know,
29:41.78
David Hirsch
the fact that there's a person in the family with a disability isn't only impacting the parents, it's impacting their siblings as well. And to maintain open lines of communication about how this is impacting the siblings, super important.
29:59.77
David Hirsch
And to be able to do things one-on-one with each of your children, right? to demonstrate that they're a priority, that they're just as important, a member of the family as anybody else.
30:13.18
David Hirsch
And trying to create these routines, weekly, monthly, quarterly, at least annually, that you're doing things, you know, one-on-one, with each of your kids.
30:25.37
David Hirsch
Now, I realize that depending on the severity of somebody's disability, that it might be impractical to do things as a family, like traveling overnight or for the weekend or for long distances.
30:40.38
David Hirsch
And that the practical solution in some cases is that the typical siblings and the parents go on a vacation without their handicapped or disabled child.
30:54.07
David Hirsch
Now that's not good or bad, but that's just the reality of trying to maintain, you know, some level of normalcy. So to address the question you asked Isaac, I don't think it's a one size fits all, but I think as long as parents are aware of this issue of siblings and family balance and are intentional about it,
31:14.39
David Hirsch
then it's unlikely that somebody is gonna realize a year or years or a decade down the road that you know there was an issue that wasn't being addressed. And the last thing I'll say is that there are something called SIBS networks, sibling organizations. There's a national SIBS network, and then there are local chapters.
31:34.04
David Hirsch
So for any of the parents that are listening, If this is an issue, right, that is a priority or important, I would strongly suggest they get plugged into one of the local SIBs networks.
31:53.57
Jonathan Guerrero
Disability often comes with might with massive financial burden. How does the book offer any wisdom on how a father can lead his family through the economic pivot that often follows a diagnosis?
32:07.26
David Hirsch
Holy moly. um Well, I'm thinking about what's in the book. And then I'm also thinking about what is it I do for a living. And I'm certainly not able to give financial advice on a podcast or generically, but Practically speaking, i think that um because one of our big priorities as a parent or as a dad for that matter is to be a financial provider, i think it would be critical, super important to make sure that you do the foundational things. um
32:40.70
David Hirsch
And the first is to have the proper level of life insurance.
32:44.50
Jonathan Guerrero
Thank you.
32:44.86
David Hirsch
Right. It's remarkable to me in my 41 years as a professional financial advisor, when I'm meeting with a couple for the first time and I'm doing a full, very broad, you know, arms around getting an understanding about where they're at, what's going on.
33:01.98
David Hirsch
I'm shocked by the lack of things like life insurance and wills. Right. So I think it's super important that the dad takes the lead and doesn't um be a subordinate to the mom to take the lead on what we're talking about. So two basic things, make sure the wills are in place, guardians have been identified you know through the wills and that you have adequate level of life insurance.
33:34.62
David Hirsch
So in the unlikely event that something happens to dad, if he's the primary breadwinner, it's not gonna leave the family in a lurch. Those are the two basic things that come to mind. Beyond that, I think another responsibility that the dad probably should take the initiative on is to do the financial planning with individuals who are more experienced.
34:01.33
David Hirsch
There's something called the Special Needs Alliance, which is a group of about 150, more 200 attorneys around the US who have committed more than 50% or more of their practices to serving the disability community.
34:15.61
David Hirsch
And these are the eagles within the financial planning world who have dedicated themselves to serving families with disability. And when I say financial planning, I'm talking about from a legal perspective, not from an investment perspective.
34:30.65
David Hirsch
and making sure that if there is a need for special needs trusts to be set up, that you engage sooner than later and educate yourself um about what's involved and align yourself with somebody that could provide you with those services as early as practical. And the reason i suggest that is that it's going to take some of the burden off of your mind of what happens in all these different scenarios.
34:59.13
David Hirsch
um Oftentimes, parents who have a child with a disability are either looking backwards, grieving the coulda, woulda, shoulda type of situation.
35:10.55
David Hirsch
What would our lives be like if we didn't have a child with a disability mentality? robbing themselves of being present in their child's lives by always looking backwards. And then thinking about it the other direction, they're worrying about the future, right? All these different scenarios, who's going to take care of my child?
35:30.26
David Hirsch
You know, what's going to happen after I'm gone? You know, all these concerns that are logical, right? We're human beings, right? So I think by going through the planning process, it erases some of the uncertainty because you've thought through it. It's not easy.
35:47.38
David Hirsch
It's not like one short conversation. It's a process. But if you align yourself with people that have the level of experience that I'm referring to, hopefully it irons out some of the wrinkles and takes away some of the anxiety that goes along with the fear of the future.
36:04.63
Jonathan Guerrero
If you're listening to this and you're that dad, the one who just got the diagnosis, the one sitting in the hospital parking lot, or the one struggling to find the words to explain things to your other kids, I want you to hear this.
36:19.10
Jonathan Guerrero
The map has changed, but the mission remains. You were chosen for this specific journey because you have the capacity to be the advocate, the protector, and the hero that your child needs.
36:32.47
Jonathan Guerrero
But as David has shown us today, a hero without a squad is just a target. You don't have to carry the weight of this diagnosis on your own shoulders. David's book, Dad's Raising Children with Special Needs and Disabilities, is your new tactical manual.
36:48.62
Jonathan Guerrero
It's filled with the collective wisdom of over a thousand fathers who have walked exactly where you're standing. It's got the strategy you need for meetings, the heart you need for the hard nights, and even the dad jokes that you need to keep your spirits intact.
37:04.86
Jonathan Guerrero
Order the book. You can find dads raising children with special needs and disabilities right now on Amazon. We've placed a direct link right below the episode description to make it super easy.
37:16.34
Jonathan Guerrero
Just look for the episode called Strength and Strategy for Special Needs Dads. I'll say it again. Strength and Strategy for Special Needs Dads.
37:28.76
Jonathan Guerrero
if you If you want to connect with the Special Fathers Network or find a mastermind group of men who get it, head over to 21stCenturyDads.org. That's 21stCenturyDads.org.
37:41.75
Jonathan Guerrero
That link will also be below the episode description. Your child's disability is not a detour. It's a new territory where your leadership is needed more than ever.
37:54.04
Jonathan Guerrero
Get the book, find your tribe, and keep standing tall. A big, big thank you to David Hirsch for his decades of service to fathers everywhere. Until next time, stay durable, stay present, and remember that your presence is the greatest gift your family will ever receive.
38:13.90
Jonathan Guerrero
We'll see you in the next episode.
38:18.10
David Hirsch
Jonathan, that was terrific. Thank you so much.
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