Episode 20 - Effective Communication Skills: Interview with Suzie Parkus

Suzie Parkus is a sought after motivational and educational speaker, trainer and soon to be author. Her expertise lay in all things communication, from interpersonal skills, relationships, emotional intelligence, networking intelligence and most importantly in today's day and age, how our state of mind affects how we act, react and interact.

Good emotional hygiene is often overlooked, but once understood, unlocks the key to that all-important human connection. Today, we discuss all things communication.

You Can Read the Transcript of Our Interview Below:

Nathan Simmonds:

Okay. I'm paper really, got my drink. Welcome to another Sticky Interview. My name's Nathan Simmonds. I'm Senior Leadership Coach and Trainer for MBM, Making Business Matter, the home of Sticky Learning. We are the soft skills' provider to the UK retail and grocery industry. Now, the idea of these podcasts is to be sharing great thinkers, great approaches, concepts and ideas that are going to help you and your teams be the best version of their selves so that they can deliver the best possible results even in a time of crisis like this.

Nathan Simmonds:

Today I'm going to be speaking to friend, peer, coach, mentor, all of those things. Someone that I speak to regularly about communication and collaboration, Suzie Parkus. And reading her bio... although I've known her for some years, I want to read this bio. She is a sought after motivational and educational speaker, trainer, and soon to be author. Her expertise lay in all things communication, absolutely it does; from interpersonal skills, relationships, emotional intelligence, networking intelligence because we need to be intelligent when we're networking.

Nathan Simmonds:

And most importantly in today's day and age, how our states of mind affects how we act, react and interact. Good emotional hygiene is often overlooked. But once understood, unlocks the key to that all important human connection. Suzie, thank you very much for being here and part of this interview today.

Suzie Parkus:

Thanks for having me.

Nathan Simmonds:

I'm looking forward to asking you some questions about this because we met, three years ago? Two years ago. Three, it must be three years ago now.

Suzie Parkus:

February, 2018.

Nathan Simmonds:

There you go. Okay, two, in personal development seminar and we got talking eventually after that event. One of the key things that I've always struggled with is how I communicate intentionally, how I work with people, how I offer my services, and how I make contribution first rather than about what I can take from people. And there's a lot of that going on. So my key first question for you is, why do you do what you're doing?

Suzie Parkus

 

Suzie Parkus:

Why do I do what I do? I think this kind of came to me when I was doing a talk last year, if I'm honest. I was given the opportunity to just take the floor and they changed the nature of the interview. In this opportunity to just kind of talk from my heart, I said something that has never left me, which is that I never got seen, heard and noticed when I was younger. It just came out as unconscious stream of thoughts. Then it got me thinking that now I do get seen, heard and noticed and part of what I do is helping other people do the same. But it's not just that PR publicity piece. It's about interacting with sort of class and confidence and consideration. I've never been interacted with like that growing up.

Suzie Parkus:

And so, I'm very sensitive to what it feels like not being, I didn't know, not having my feelings taken into consideration when being approached, I guess. I'm very sensitive towards others when I'm communicating with them. And that's actually the biggest piece. That's the IQ, well, the emotional intelligence. I try and ask people to get their head around first before opening their mouth so they can make sure that they are aware of not just how they're coming across but how they're making other people feel. And I think that's really where it came from. If I dial it all back, it's very much about my own experience. It's just ironic that I have a degree in communication studies when I actually wants to be a lawyer. So, it pretty always cuts out for this work.

Nathan Simmonds:

There is that class that you talk about and the presence that people come to. And it doesn't matter whether you're in a network, an event, building a relationship with a future spouse or working in a retail factory environment. You want to get a message across and you need to be taking into account people's feelings. And it's, people just don't do it. They don't think about it. On MBM, we have a... Darren started to talk about the don't shout campaign.

Nathan Simmonds:

What he meant by this is when we're giving feedback, now we don't stand there and scream at people. We don't shout at them and tell them what to do because no one likes being told what to do. You go over there and you have a level of respect for that individual's feelings and you approach them and make them the most important person in the conversation first and foremost, and then develop the relationship so that actually you can work together.

Suzie Parkus:

I would say first of all feedback is always great. That's kind of how our relationship started, giving you feedback on stuff, bearing in mind that we'd gotten to know each other first before asking for that. So yeah, constructive feedback is awesome, unsolicited feedback is not. That's where you start hurting people. You said about intention before. So, all forms of communication has an energetic charge. And this might sound a little bit on the woo-woo spectrum for some, but we feel a charge behind people's words. Two people could say the same thing and depending on what you're wanting to achieve when you're expressing it, it can hurt or it can elevate.

Suzie Parkus:

So that intention behind what you're saying has as much impact as what you're saying. That constructive feedback you're talking about. If I'm giving you some feedback and I want to see you develop yourself into the best version of you, it's coming from a nurturing, loving place. So my energy behind that is only going to be of a nurturing feeling. But if I was say jealous, judgemental, intending to pull you down, you're going to feel small as a result of that constructive feedback.

Nathan Simmonds:

Agreed. Every conversation has an emotional charge behind it. I've learned, and this is in various different religious texts from thousands of years ago. In short, it says what you think of people is how you treat them. That thinking might be based on a situation or a stress that you've got, but when you front load that conversation and then run into it and scream or make it unsolicited. Even asking for permission is vital. It might not be solicited. Gaining that person's trust to build the relationships, I've got some information that's going to be vital to support you and your successes. Is it okay that I give you that information? When that person says yes, then we can approach them. We can give that feedback.

Nathan Simmonds:

But if we're going in as a point of judgment and I'm thinking, you're an idiot, you're not good at your job, it doesn't matter what I think I'm saying; people can read between the lines, they can feel what you're thinking before you even say the words. They did a science test. They did it with plants where they subjected one plant to abuse and one plant to love and attention.

I think it was in a school. So they actually tested it with bullying in a school to prove a point. And the plant that was subjected to the bullying and abusive language actually died. It's just, it's incredible. So bearing in mind that we actually hold quite a lot at a cellular level, similarities to plants, when you're giving someone that intention, that abuse, that language, that shouting behavior, it's going to have a negative impact on you in some way, shape or form. And it's not okay to be treating people like that.

Suzie Parkus:

So can I go a bit scientific with you?

Nathan Simmonds:

Absolutely you can.

Suzie Parkus:

Okay. There's a very famous that go [inaudible 00:07:33] in water. I think I might have even told you about it before. And so, that experiment you're talking about, yes, it's been done on plants. Yes, it's been done on an apple. It's been done on lots of things. Where there is a high concentration of water, basically as beings we are 70% water and in that experiment that Masaru Emoto does, there's love written on a piece of paper with a Petri dish of water. One that says hate, same thing with the Petri dish of water. As the water evaporates, crystals are left behind. And then what's left is beautiful crystals above the love and ugly ones above the hate.

Suzie Parkus:

His whole point is, our words carry a charge, exactly what you're saying. So it's exactly what I said before, because if I'm saying something to you from a bad intention, I'm actually sending negatively charged particles your way, if you like, and it will hurt. The same is true about how we talk about ourselves. If we're not feeling good in ourselves right now and we're giving ourselves negative self talk and then we go to communicate with someone else, we're then projecting what we feel about ourselves onto somebody else as well. So this points a lot going on internally that we then start to project externally.

Nathan Simmonds:

Great. And chronically we could go down a really sciency route with this. I am aware of the water test where they did with that and it showed that when the water crystals under love and positivity, the elements froze or formed symmetrically, whereas under the stress they formed asymmetric. Like you say, in ugly shapes and forms. Then you talked about kind of the negative self talk.