Send us a fun message...But if you want a response contact us at SwingerUniversity.com

When you finally find your voice in the lifestyle, everything changes. In this episode, Ed and Phoebe explore one of the most transformational shifts couples make in ethical non-monogamy: moving from "going along to keep the peace" to confidently advocating for what you actually want. If you've ever said yes when you really meant no, or felt like you were in the backseat of your own experience, this conversation is for you.

Watch this episode on YouTube! 

What You'll Learn

- Why the "caretaker mentality" leads to burnout and resentment in the lifestyle

- The hidden costs of performing enjoyment instead of experiencing authentic pleasure

- How setting boundaries actually makes you more attractive to potential play partners

- A simple three-step framework for shifting from people-pleaser to confident communicator

- Real-world scenarios and compassionate scripts for saying no without guilt

- Why speaking up transforms not just your lifestyle experience, but your relationship dynamic

 Key Moments

[00:00:17] - When you finally find your voice in the lifestyle, everything changes

[00:02:47] - The Caretaker Trap: Why "I don't want to ruin the vibe" is destroying your confidence

[00:07:57] - The Backseat Experience: What it costs when you're not driving

[00:12:33] - The Confidence Shift: One listener's transformation story

[00:16:09] - The Gender Dynamic: Women's opportunity to drive in the lifestyle

[00:23:30] - The Power Framework: Three steps to finding your voice

[00:32:03] - Permission-Giving Moment: You're not responsible for other people's disappointment

[00:33:02] - Real-World Scenarios: How to handle common boundary-pushing situations

[00:36:46] - The Transformation: From performing for others to prioritizing yourself

[00:40:21] - Why the lifestyle loves boundaries (and how speaking up gives others permission)

[00:43:30] - Final Thoughts: Is it about power or permission?

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There's a real debate happening in the lifestyle community: Are "dirty vanillas" (people showing up to swinger events but not actually swinging) ruining the experience? Or is the real problem something we've completely misunderstood? In this episode, Ed and Phoebe dig into the data, share surprising stories, and challenge everything you thought you knew about who belongs in these spaces. By the end, you might see this conversation—and the community—completely differently.

 ---

 WHAT YOU'LL LEARN

• Why 1/3 of Americans are exploring something other than traditional monogamy—and why this changes everything about the "dirty vanilla" debate

• The spectrum of play styles and why there's actually NO official definition of what makes someone a "real" swinger

• A real story from a couple in Costa Rica who called themselves "swinger adjacent"—and why their approach is brilliant

• How preferences literally shift from event to event, week to week—and why labels fail to capture what's actually happening

• The single most important skill that actually works when you're trying to figure out what someone is REALLY looking for at an event

• Why swingers have figured out something that the rest of us are still struggling with: how to create genuinely judgment-free, welcoming spaces

---

KEY MOMENTS (WITH TIMESTAMPS)

• [00:01:04] The stat that reframes everything: One-third of Americans want something other than complete monogamy—and why this changes the debate entirely

• [00:03:51] Breaking down Gen Z, millennials, and Gen X data on non-monogamy—and why 31% of singles have actually explored this

• [00:06:13] The question that flips the script: Maybe it's not "Why are vanillas here?" but "Why are we gatekeeping who belongs?"

• [00:08:01] The "Swinger Adjacent" couple from Costa Rica and their unforgettable exact words about the lifestyle community

• [00:06:38] Why "soft swap" and "full swap" are way more complicated than they sound—the spectrum within the spectrum

• [00:27:00] How to actually ask the questions that matter—the simple framework that changes everything

• [00:29:45] The bigger picture: What non-swingers

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How often are you really supposed to be having sex? Spoiler alert: You've been asking the wrong question.

Society pushes a "magic number" for sexual frequency that's causing more harm than good. The truth? There is no normal. We're diving deep into why the three-times-a-week standard is BS, how desire actually works in long-term relationships, and the one thing that matters more than counting sessions—quality and connection.

Ed and Phoebe challenge everything you thought you knew about sex in relationships, from the myth of spontaneous desire to why 80% of women can't orgasm the way we've been told they should. Drawing on research from Dr. Karen Gurney's "Mind the Gap" and insights from the swinging lifestyle, we reveal practical strategies to build sexual currency without adding pressure, understand responsive desire, and create the conditions where passion can thrive.

What You'll Learn:

• Why comparing your sex life to society's "normal" is killing your intimacy
• The two types of desire and why waiting to "feel like it" sets you up for failure
• How to build sexual currency through non-sexual intimacy (yes, doing dishes counts!)
• Why penetrative sex is women's least preferred sexual activity—and what that means for satisfaction
• The surprising connection between household chores and sexual satisfaction
• How the swinging lifestyle opened up game-changing conversations about sex
• Why humans aren't biologically wired for monogamy (and what that means for your relationship)

Timestamps:

• 00:00 - Opening: The Question Everyone's Thinking
• 01:02 - The Frequency Myth: Society's Broken Benchmark
• 05:40 - Why We're Having Less Sex: Modern Intimacy Killers
• 11:20 - How Desire Really Works: Spontaneous vs. Responsive
• 16:30 - Arousal Non-Concordance: When Mind and Body Don't Match
• 22:10 - Building Sexual Currency: Practical Strategies That Work
• 28:00 - What Actually Matters: Quality, Communication & Flexibility
• 40:30 - The Gender Script Problem: Why PIV Isn't the Answer
• 46:00 - What Actually Helps: From Chor

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Why does a piece of chocolate trigger the same brain chemical as meeting someone new at a swinger party?

This episode reveals the surprising neuroscience behind New Relationship Energy, dopamine addiction, and why the swinging lifestyle can feel impossible to walk away from. Ed and Phoebe break down the science of pleasure—from that 55% dopamine spike you get from chocolate to the 1000% surge from harder substances—and explain why novelty in the lifestyle hijacks your brain's reward system exactly like a drug.

In this episode of Swinger University, we explore the powerful connection between dopamine, addiction, and ethical non-monogamy, discussing why NRE feels so intoxicating, how constant stimulation affects your mental health, and practical strategies for maintaining balance in the lifestyle. Whether you're new to the swinging lifestyle, experienced in ethical non-monogamy, or simply curious about the brain chemistry behind attraction and novelty-seeking, this conversation will help you understand what's really happening in your head when you can't stop thinking about that new connection.

What You'll Learn in This Episode:

• The exact dopamine percentages: chocolate (55%), sex (100%), nicotine (1.5x), cocaine (2.25x), and amphetamines (10x)
• Why New Relationship Energy creates thoughts and feelings you can't control—and how long it typically lasts
• The "pleasure paradox": how constant dopamine hits from social media, food, and the lifestyle create chronic deficit states
• Real stories of NRE intensity, FOMO at swinger events, and why some people need breaks from the lifestyle
• How novelty, secrecy, quantity, and access all amplify your brain's reward response
• Practical strategies for seeking balance: recognizing addiction patterns, pacing yourself, and knowing when to step back
• Why comparison is killing your enjoyment and how to focus on your own experience

📝 Read the full transcript: https://swingeruniversity.com/the-one-chemical-behind-chocolate-swinging-and-addiction

Need support? Chec

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Is swinging just a lighthearted hobby… or a defining lifestyle choice? In this episode of our swinger lifestyle podcast, we dive into the hobby vs lifestyle debate that’s sparking conversations across the swinger community and beyond.

We explore why some couples embrace swinging as a fun, occasional activity — a playful part of ethical non‑monogamy — while others see it as a core relationship identity tied to trust, intimacy, and community. Along the way, we unpack the emotional depth, communication skills, and social connections that make the swinger lifestyle more than just a weekend pastime.
Whether you’re curious about open relationships, navigating consensual non‑monogamy, or simply interested in how language shapes modern relationship dynamics, this conversation will challenge your perspective.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

• Why some call swinging a “hobby” and the benefits of that framing
• Why others find the term dismissive or offensive
• How relationship labels influence identity and belonging
• The spectrum from casual hobby to committed lifestyle
• Why there’s no one‑size‑fits‑all answer
  
  

📌 Join the conversation — What term do you use, and why? Drop your thoughts in the comments.
🔔 Subscribe for more open, honest discussions on alternative lifestyle relationships, intimacy, and community.

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Is "reclaiming" in the swinging lifestyle sexy ritual or possessive play? Ed and Phoebe unpack this controversial term, sharing their real experiences and perspectives from within the community.

In this episode, we cover:

• The origins and controversy around the term "reclaiming"
• How language like "reclaiming" vs "reconnecting" shapes our swinging experiences
• The historical and possessive undertones in lifestyle terminology
• The passionate side of reconnecting after play, including personal rituals and preferences
• Why communication and finding what works for your relationship is what really matters

00:00 Public Sex and Prima Nocte

04:24 Observing Kink From Afar

06:35 History of Marriage Conventions

11:07 Misunderstood Acronyms in Play Situations

16:08 "Rekindling Romance Through Separation"

17:40 Understanding No Kissing Rules

21:44 Longtime Relationship Disconnection

23:20 "Communication and Relationship Balance"

28:47 "Reconnecting: Balancing Desire"

29:35 Fluidity in Emotional Reconnection

34:03 "Planning Remote Setup Fun"

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Get real answers to burning questions about STI safety in the swinging lifestyle. Ed and Phoebe break down common myths, honest risks, and practical tips for safer sex at parties, events, and orgies.

• Why standard STI tests and "full panels" don't cover everything
• The dangers of a false sense of security with recent test results
• Real talk about latency periods, symptom-free infections, and what that means for your risk
• Best practices for condoms, washing up, and safe sex protocols during orgies
• The truth about Truvada, antibiotics, and when you should (or shouldn't) rely on medication for STI prevention
• Get the facts, reassess your own risk, and make smarter choices in your lifestyle adventures.

00:00 Intro... and Teaser
04:08 False Security in Relationship Testing
06:52 Standard STD Testing Overview
10:45 Blood Test for Antibodies
14:36 Premature Clean Test Results
16:22 STI Testing: False Security Concerns
22:11 Fake Test Result Concerns
24:48 Asymptomatic STI Myth Busting
28:32 Soft Swap Orgy Dynamics
31:12 Discussing Truvada's Role in STI Prevention
33:00 "Prebiotics Superior to Probiotics"
37:33 Interactive Sessions & Support Invitation
39:39 "Testing and Expanding Offer"

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Curious about what diversity really means in the swinger lifestyle? In this episode, Ed and Phoebe break down the surprising variety you’ll find—and why it’s not what you might expect.

• The wide range of body types, ages, and preferences within swinger communities
• Different styles of parties, play, and consent practices (including substance use and communication)
• How self-confidence, body image, and social dynamics mix at events
• Cultural differences (including American vs. European approaches to consent and intimacy)
• Why the lifestyle evolves for couples over time—plus common myths about drama, “body count,” and relationship risks

Ready to separate fact from fiction about diversity in swinging? Watch now!

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Ever wondered what red flags you should watch for in the swinging lifestyle? In this episode of Swinger University, Ed and Phoebe dive deep into real-life stories of dates gone wrong, rude behavior, mismatched expectations, and questionable consent. From couples who show a totally different side on a second date, to partners who don’t seem on the same page, we share the signs that made us question, “Is this really the couple for us?”

✨ In this episode, you'll hear about:

• A disastrous dinner date with an incredibly rude couple (seriously, who sends food back over a heating lamp?!)
• Stories of awkward power dynamics where one partner speaks for the other
• Consent concerns in situations where one person seems uncomfortable
• The challenge of navigating mixed signals, unreciprocated flirting, and introvert/extrovert mismatches
• Tips on spotting red flags before you end up in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation

We want you to enjoy the lifestyle safely, confidently, and drama-free! This episode is perfect for swinger newbies, experienced lifestylers, or anyone curious about navigating ethical non-monogamy and consensual swinging with respect.

🔔 Don’t forget to Subscribe to Swinger University for more lifestyle tips, real stories, and candid conversations about the swinging lifestyle, open relationships, ethical non-monogamy, and adult community events.

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00:00 - Start
01:01 - Tip 1: Pace It Out
03:31 - Tip 2: Fears and Expectations
06:17 - Tip 3: Get Uncomfortable
09:05 - Tip 4: Grow and Change
12:40 - Tip 5: Trust
21:34 - Lets talk about cheating...
22:47 - Wrap Up!

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3 Ways to get your question on our show:

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