Rejoice in the Lord always.
I shall say it again: rejoice!
Your kindness should be known to all.

Philippians 4:4-5

The Holiday Season is in full swing and we find ourselves in the wondrous variety of encounters that accompany it in such a powerfully unique way. Some might say “draining.” Asking someone the other day about her season so far, the response was “exhausting.” Such is the love-hate relationship we seem to have with a season that covers many weeks, conflates the variety of joys and traumas we come to associate with a lifetime of living this time of year, and throws us into the demands of preparing for, experiencing, and recovering from, the many gatherings that accompany it. The Christmas Holiday is a vortex of human, time, and energy, collisions that can leave us feeling less than joyful or triumphant.

We’ve had out share of gatherings over the last couple of weeks and I found myself reflecting on them this morning. One curious thing about holiday gatherings is that they put us into contact with others in a variety of ways that are outside of our normal routines. Parties bring us together with those we don’t see very often or people who are altogether new to us. Gift exchanges may bring us together with family we’ve known for many years but rarely see or those we’d rather not see. Work events pull us into interactions that sit outside of the day-to-day patterns that mark our professional lives and the potential for awkward collisions. All along the way, we’re thrown into many forms of conversation and must navigate their numerous permutations of challenge, joy, and opportunity.

One requisite element of such gatherings is the ever-present “small talk” that emerges when we find ourselves trying to navigate many short conversations in rooms filled with other human beings. Small talk is defined as a casual, polite conversation with someone you don’t know well. It is also emerges with others who you may know better but are time constrained, have little interest/energy for digging deeper, or are trying to avoid relational land mines that exist. Some of us are better at this than others.

Considering the last few weeks, I’ve come to two conclusions: 1) My wife, Sally, is a Grand Master of these events and their associated encounters and 2) Talk is only as small as we make it.

Rolling into a room filled with people, we can either approach it like we’ve just been shot into a pinball machine, bouncing between bar, person, bathroom, and hors d’oeuvres, ringing the bell a few times as we progress, or we can see individual human beings existing in their beautiful world of complexity, need, and specialness. We can look at faces and see the quirks, awkwardness, and baggage, or we can see the moment as opportunity for encounter. We can gravitate to the people we like better or are are easier to talk to, or we can work to engage as broadly and lovingly as possible.

Does all reflection have to over-complicate the simple? Is it really as complex as all of that? Step back a bit at your next gathering and watch for a few minutes, looking at faces and listening to voices, then consider your own internal voice as you look at each individual. We are really pretty complex creatures.

Watching Sally move fluidly at recent events, I began to notice a few patterns. While I was pin-balling between bar and hors d’oeuvres, she was smiling and laughing with one, two, three, four, well, many, people. All were welcome. It was effortless, unforced, and sincere. At points, I found myself stopping to watch her. I thought, “she is so good at small-talk.” Then I realized, it wasn’t small at all.

Collision or encounter? Connection or ricochet? The Season is still early and we’ve got time to up our game at these gatherings. In the spirit of giving, I’d like to share some tactical insights I’ve gathered from watching my grand master wife spread Christmas cheer over the last few weeks.

First of all, Sally is fantastic at using the first name of whoever she is speaking with. Sometimes we forget the power of a name. A person’s name is a gateway, a power word that opens the door to connection. To use someone’s name is to say “I see you” in a personal way. To remember the name of someone we see infrequently is powerfully engaging, and disarming. Most of us are pretty poor at remembering. We too frequently chalk it up to “I’m just not good at remembering.” Perhaps we shouldn’t let ourselves off the hook so easily. We tend to remember what matters if it matters enough. Rule 1: remember the power of a person’s name.

Second, Sally is really, really, good at asking sincere questions. What does it say to someone when we look them in the eye and ask them what’s happening in their life? There is the casual “How are things?” Sometimes we mean it, but it’s often more of a greeting. But it doesn’t stop there. Asking a sincere question is a great move, but asking something in reference to a detail shared at another place and time is the move of a grand master. When we ask, then truly listen, we are giving the gift of our attention in a way that draws others to us. It connects. Rule 2: ask sincere questions, then listen sincerely.

Thirdly, Sally is incredibly effective at using body language to build bridges. There is great power in a touch, eye contact, or a wave. The timely and appropriate use of a hug, a smile, the light grabbing of a hand, all convey warmth and affection. Such actions remove barriers and open the doorway to the meaningful. The amazing thing about smiles, waves, and eye contact, are that they can even cross a crowded room, creating connection without a word. Again, I see you, I acknowledge you. Rule 3: your body language is always talking.

What else? Considering it further, I realize that the real power is in caring enough to put effort into it. Sally is able to bring an enthusiastic caring to almost any conversation and be completely present in that moment. Her ability to focus and engage projects love in a selfless and self-giving way as she removes herself from the center and willingly orbits the other for a moment. When we engage this way, we are offering a blessing of good will which creates energy and warmth. Rule 4: care enough to work at it.

We all know these things intuitively but they can be elusive…particularly when we’re tired, hurried, overwhelmed, or lost in the crowd. The wild thing about it is that, as individualistic and intimate as her approach is, it actually scales quite well. Brief interactions can carry great weight and we don’t have to dive to the deepest depths of profundity in a conversation to have a meaningful encounter. Little movements in little moments can create great meaning and the “small talk” can leave one feeling bigger, stronger, and touched. It is disarmingly moving and irresistible – one can’t help but feel better, happier, dare I say joyful, standing in the presence of someone who is projecting such heartfelt warmth.

A beautiful side effect of such grand masterly moves is that, as powerfully affecting as they are to the receiver, they also bring joy in the giving. One can’t help but enjoy such encounters because of the positive energy they create. We are made for such connection, and though we can sometimes struggle to make it, it moves us profoundly when it happens.

We’ve just hit halftime in this Holiday Season. You’ve got gatherings ahead and there’s still time to tweak your game. Think it’s just small talk? Think again. Talk is only as small as we make it.