In this week’s Cafe Book Club, host Robin Masiewicz and co-host Amy Frost discuss chapters 5 – 9 of  Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself and the companion Codependent No More Workbook by Melody Beattie. These chapters focus on the Basics of Self Care.

Chapter 5: Detachment

In Chapter 5, Melody Beattie describes detachment as an underlying concept. “It is something we need to do frequently, as we strive to live happy lives. It is the goal of most recovery programs for codependents. And, it is something we must do first –before we can do the other things we need to do. We cannot begin to work on ourselves, to live our own lives, feel our own feelings, and solve our own problems until we have detached from the object of our obsession. From my experiences (and those of others), it appears that even our Higher Power can’t do much with us until we have detached.”

It (detachment) is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement. –AL-ANON Member

Detachment involves “present moment living” – living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.

Detachment also involves accepting reality–the facts. It requires faith–in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world.

Detachment does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and love in ways that help others and don’t hurt ourselves.

Chapter 6: Don’t Be Blown About by Every Wind

Most codependents are reactionaries. We react with anger, guilt, shame, self-hate, worry, hurt, controlling gestures, caretaking acts, depression, desperation and fury. We react with fear and anxiety.

When we react we forfeit our personal, God-given power to think, feel, and behave in our best interests.

We react because we’re anxious and afraid of what has happened, what might happen, and what is happening.

We don’t have to behave this way

We don’t have to be so afraid of people. They are people like us.

We don’t have to forfeit our peace. It doesn’t help.

We don’t have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything. That is also not required of us.

We don’t have to take things so seriously (ourselves, events, and other people). 

We don’t have to take things so personally. 

Melody offers suggestions in Chapter 6 to help you detach from people and your destructive reactions to them. Refer to pages 70 – 72 in the book to find out what she suggests.

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