Shoulding on ourselves tends to be the perfectionist’s preferred method of mental torture, especially if we act out of guilt, or if our actions reflect our need to control how others perceive us. 

Our “shoulds” don’t always come from us, but from our environment. It could be social media, our friends, family and workplace, etc. It’s very important to always reflect on our ‘should’, and decide if it comes from a belief that we value or if we actually would want to get rid of it.

Shoulding leads to us having a negative self-concept or self-esteem since in taking actions we don’t really want to take, we ignore what we truly want or stand for. In essence, we turn our backs to ourselves.

‘Shoulds’ are our own judgment of situations, not other people’s: Here’s an example.

Shoulding ourselves is oftentimes a cry for validation. Being aware of this allows us to discern the thought, pause and then decide whether we really care and whether we can/want to allow others to be wrong about us. Pausing affords us the opportunity to go for the choice that allows us to have our own back. This is a beautiful way to start mending that relationship we have with ourselves. This is a liberating experience: to allow others to be who they are, and to think what they want, because the truth of the matter is they will anyway.