As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship and ensure that your child/teen develops a healthy relationship with technology.

Technology use has become essential to your child’s/teen’s life and learning in school. It has the potential to play a role in:

●      social and emotional development[1] 

●      language development

●      academic learning

●      connection to friends, family, and others

●      empathy and understanding of others

●      imagination 

●      ability to choose healthy behaviors (preventing high-risk behaviors and unhealthy choices)

Children/teens ages 11-14 are at the very beginning of their teen years and experiencing dramatic shifts with their bodies and emotions, entering puberty full force by age 11. Additionally, they’ll experiment with and learn social skills through forging and prioritizing friendships and peer opinions.  They will create more independent relationships with teachers, coaches, and you while beginning or deepening their involvement in extracurricular activities like sports, music, or others. 

Yet, technology can pose challenges. Most parents say parenting is more challenging than twenty years ago, and most point to technology as the primary reason.^1 71% of parents with children under 12 said they worry that their children spend too much time on screens. The same number of parents said they fear smartphones could harm their children/teens. Let’s take a deeper look at the screen time habits of this age group:^2

-       11-12-year-olds are on screens an average of five and a half hours per day, and 13-14-year-olds are on screens an average of eight and a half hours per day. Most of this screen time is spent on  online video viewing accounts (with a smaller amount viewing YouTube);*

-       Boys tend to be on screens longer than girls. ^2  

-       38% of 11 and 12-year-olds are on social media.

Children and teens are highly stimulated by technology, and this is often where they connect with friends, so it can become a source of conflict when they need to disconnect and can take away time from family being together and growing intimate connections. Indeed, addiction can be a real threat as those jolts of happy hormones (dopamine) are fueled; infinite scrolling is the norm on social media, and games are programmed to keep them perpetually engaged. Daily, devices can take time away from other critical pursuits for their physical, social, emotional, and cognitive development, such as reading, playing outdoors, unstructured creative time, friend time, homework, and more. The kinds of content that a child/teen can view or stumble into online can range from mildly irritating to disturbing and dangerous, whether it involves repeated consumer messages, cartoon violence, graphic violence, or even pornography. Additionally, children and teens can encounter social aggression and bullying online and through social media, which can hurt uniquely since they can be more publicly exposed than most in-person incidents.

We know that growing a healthy relationship with technology requires regular conversations and a commitment from the whole family to become intentional about their use of technology, including appropriate boundaries and safety practices. Approach this topic with empathy and recognize that the devices and apps are designed to make the user stay engaged and want more.  Acknowledge with your child/teen that adults have difficulty setting boundaries with technology use. While it may take more time, planning, and encouragement with your child/teen to develop a healthy relationship with technology, its role can become a joyful experience, enrich your family life, and promote valuable skills for school and life success. It can also prepare your child/teen for a lifetime of wise habits related to technology tools. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support families.

Why Examine Technology Use?    

Becoming intentional about your child’s/teen’s daily technology use can influence how they develop a healthy relationship with technology and its role in their life. Looking for ways to experience and learn together about how to use devices wisely contributes to their development. 

Today, in the short term, creating a healthy relationship with technology can create

●      more significant opportunities for connection and enjoyment 

●      opportunity for dialogue and reflection

●      a direct way to influence your child’s/teen’s positive development

Tomorrow, in the long term, a healthy relationship with technology helps your child/teen grow skills in

●      critically reviewing content and making responsible decisions

●      self-management and self-discipline

●      planning and time management

●      collaboration and cooperative goal-setting

●      create positive device habits that contribute directly to school and life success

Five Steps for Examining Technology Use

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for daily technology use. It also helps your child/teen develop essential skills. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[2] ).

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/ teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip Intentional communication[3]  and a healthy parenting relationship[4]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

By asking open-ended questions, you can get your child/teen thinking about their relationship with technology - how they use devices, when, where, and for what purpose. Seeking their input and offering authentic, limited choices in designing a plan to establish a daily device use and management routine provides multiple benefits. 

In gaining input, your child/teen

●      has the opportunity to think through how and when they use technology and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for respecting boundaries set)

●      will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their lives at home and school

Actions

Writing down notes on your child’s/teen’s responses to the following questions will help you when you develop rules or routines for device use.

●      What are your hopes and goals for your time after school, weekends, or summer days?

●      Do you get to do everything you want to do in your free time –  or connect with the people you want to communicate with (friends, family), or are there things you miss out on?

●      What roles do you want your devices to play in your life? (i.e., learning, entertainment, connection with friends)

●      Do you tend to want screen time when you experience a particular emotion (e.g., sadness, frustration, anger)? 

Allow your child/teen to make choices when establishing a device routine. Allowing choices increases their sense of control and motivation to respect the boundaries around device use. Questions you could ask to understand better your child’s/teen’s preferences include: 

○      “When considering how you want to spend your time after school...”

■      “Would you like a snack first?”

■      “Do you want to change into casual clothes?”

■      “Do you want time to rest or get outside? Take a bike ride?”

■      “Do you have a favorite book you are eager to read or a board/card game you love to play?”

■      “Considering all the activities that typically occur after school, when is the best time to use devices? 

■      Considering your hopes and goals for after school, when is the best time to put devices  away or power down?”

Step 2. Teach New Skills

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, learning about what developmental milestones[5]  your child/teen is working on can help you know which aspects might be more difficult for them regarding technology use. 

●      Eleven-year-olds are trying to assert their independence and imagining themselves in adult roles. As they grow their social awareness, being able to better see from another person’s perspective, they also increase their worries about being liked, who’s “in” and who’s “out,” and may engage in excluding others to gain popularity. Children/Teens can begin to break the rules to fit in. 43% of eleven-year-olds own a smartphone.^3

●      Twelve-year-olds are eager to figure out more serious adult issues and where they stand as they gain confidence and leadership abilities. Disturbing news and social issues could preoccupy them more than ever with their growing social awareness and participation in social media. They also have a lot of energy and need sleep, so they may have less resilience when they stay up late and are more run down by stress. This can add to conflict. 43% of twelve-year-olds own their smartphone.^3

●      Thirteen-year-old boys will fully engage in puberty, while girls will be almost entirely physically developed. Both genders can have worries related to their newly acquired body changes. They can be susceptible as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent upon you. Mood swings are characteristic of this age. They will feel an ever greater sense of peer pressure, and though they may be pushing you away, they also require your continued support and guidance, including hopes for your approval. They are competent in contributing to a household’s care and may struggle with time commitments. 88% of thirteen-year-olds own their smartphone.^3

●      Fourteen-year-olds may act invincible, and like they know it “all.” Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries, negotiate rules, and listen to their needs. They are gaining interest in others as romantic partners and will have crushes, broken hearts, and worries related to relationships. They may enjoy academic challenges until they feel overwhelmed or underprepared. Then, they may claim they are “bored” to save their reputation, but in reality, they are stressed that they are not competent. These social pressures can work, at times, in conflict with taking responsibility. 88% of teens own smartphones, and 79% use social media.^3

Trap: Online time should be different from reading time since this is a necessary time to cultivate positive reading habits and skills. Only 34% of teens say they read daily.^3 Research shows that many boys tend to stop reading for pleasure by their own choice around nine or ten.^4, ^5 Experts suspect this is because boys tend toward nonfiction topics like books about the natural world or how-to topics. They also gravitate toward graphic novels or comics. Be sure you leave judgment of book choices behind and only encourage their reading. Nonfiction and graphic novels are excellent choices if they interest your young reader. If it’s safe content for children/teens, offer your support and interest.Trap: Online time should not replace time outside playing with friends. Exposure to nature, exercise, play, and social interaction are critical factors in your child’s/teen’s healthy development.Actions

Model healthy technology habits. 

●      Because technology plays a significant role in our family's life, modeling how we use technology teaches our children/teens more than our words ever could. How are you disciplined about technology?  Do you have rules for putting the laptop down and storing work away at the end of the day? Do you have times when you turn off or leave behind your phone? Share those practices with your child/teen so that they understand that it’s not only children and teens who have to manage devices and cultivate healthy technology habits.

●      Notice how you cope with challenges and uncomfortable feelings. Do you tend to use technology as an “escape”?  Talk with your child/teen about how you are feeling and what you will do to calm down rather than tune out.

Research content together before viewing. 

●      Our children/teens need to learn to become their own media analysts. Download an app or visit a media review site together. We recommend Common Sense Media because they offer reviews based on a child’s/teen’s age (and readiness). Get into a habit of reading together about new video games, television programs, movies, and applications before selecting them to view. If they are not developmentally appropriate, move on to something that is.

●      Research any topic you are curious about on the internet together and review the keywords to use and the quality of the sites that come up in your search. Discuss the quality and reliability of the site. For example, does the site provide opinion-based information or facts and research-based information?

●      Discuss the roles of technology in your home. Share the facts. Here are some key facts gathered from Confident Parents, Confident Kids:

1. Too much screen time changes the structure and functioning of the brain. According to brain plasticity research, whatever stimuli are received over time directly affects the development and hard wiring of the brain. If children/teens are used to changing images every 5-6 seconds, then their brain needs that stimulus to help them focus their attention.^5

2. Too much screen time can also result in obesity (unconscious eating), de-sensitivity to violent images, more significant challenges with learning and academic achievement, and less nourishing (REM) sleep.^6

3. Hormone levels change. Dopamine, a pleasure hormone, is released while watching screens, which makes the experience addictive. It’s human nature to desire that pleasure response and return to it repeatedly. Melatonin is reduced, affecting the ability to regulate sleep, the strength of the immune system, and the onset of puberty.^6

4. Extended screen viewing impacts the child’s/teen’s developing brain. Heavy viewing has been shown to retard the myelination process in the early brain, particularly from birth to age four. Myelination is the process in which nerve cells in the brain build up a fatty protein sheath that improves conductivity, enhancing the flow of information from one cell to another. If this process is retarded, there’s a loss in the ability to use the imagination and think creatively.^7

5. Mental fatigue shows reduced effectiveness and increased distraction and irritability. No screen time can restore cognitive fatigue. Researchers have found that being in nature is the best way to regain thinking.^8

Co-create rules and routines to manage device use.

●      Gather as a family to discuss the key issue since it impacts everyone in a household. After sharing facts, discuss your family and personal priorities for everyday life. Here are some questions to help you consider your routine and rules:

○      How do we use our time daily when not in school or work? Do we like the way we use our time?

○      What activities are a high priority (meals, homework, exercise, extracurriculars)?

○      Which of those activities require our complete focus?

○      When do we have time to connect as a family?

Consider the following recommendations when creating rules and routines:

●      Mealtime can be an essential time for families to connect. Consider this an excellent time to put devices away and focus on one another.

●      For healthy sleep, all devices should be shut down an hour before bedtime. 

●      Create a home base in the main living area for charging your devices. For healthy sleep, charge devices overnight somewhere other than a bedroom or place where a child/teen is sleeping.

●      Use your child’s/teen’s feelings as a guide. Help raise their self-awareness by asking, “How do you feel?” after a session on a device. If you are more anxious, determine whether it was the content or too much screen time. Make adjustments accordingly.

●      Ensure your child/teen doesn’t exceed one hour of screen time without a break. Healthy eyes need that break, even if brief.

Take on the student role with your child/teen.

●      Create time for your child/teen to take you on a digital tour of their latest favorites, whether a video game, a new app, or an online video. 

●      Regularly ask questions to understand the digital world better and gain your child’s/teen’s perspectives.

●      Dialogue about the online friends and communities your child/teen participates in and has created relationships with.

Trap: Not all media is trustworthy! There are fake news headlines, articles, images, and videos interspersed with...