In this episode I connect with retired Cst. Treena Tulk who served in the RCMP from 2007 to 2020.

Treena, who endured numerous traumatic calls, paints a picture of what she experienced leading up to her diagnosis of PTSD in 2011. Treena's story is particularly important as she recalls how she also experienced workplace trauma even as a bylaw officer prior to joining the RCMP.

Treenas' childhood dream later led her to the gates of PTSD, a common workplace injury amongst first responders, and she was forced to embark on her healing journey as her life continued to be negatively impacted  by the symptoms of PTSD.

Treena uncovers many of the aspects that make up PTSD as she recounts her journey of how people in her inner circle started to notice changes in her personality and brought these concerns forward to her. Treena also recounts how difficult it was to trust her inner gut to acknowledge that the PTSD was creeping in. Denial helped form a thought that how could her childhood dream possibly cause her so much pain and suffering.

Treena later sought help at an in patient treatment program which helped her to truly begin her healing journey.

I am proud to have Treena on the podcast as her journey is incredibly inspiring. She reflects with openness and honesty about how devastating PTSD can be. The impacts of it are spoken with clarity and compassion for the subject as that is what it truly deserves.

Thank you for your service and your sacrifice!

In this episode I connect with a retired Sgt. Laurie White who served in the RCMP from 1996 - 2020.

Laurie, in 1998, while executing a Search Warrant in Kitimat, BC was shot in the leg. Laurie recalls the incredible pain and suffering that came from that moment. Laurie later had to come to terms with the loss of her leg as it could not be saved despite the best efforts of surgeons in Vancouver.

Laurie then unwilling to resign from active police work began to fight to keep her job as an active duty RCMP member. Laurie would have to go through all of the benchmarks she had previously passed; however, now with a prosthetic leg.

The physical and psychological toll of this event later contributed to Laurie developing and being diagnosed with PTSD. Laurie knew prior to being diagnosed that something was not quite right but continued to persevere and be resilient throughout her career with the Mounties.

Once diagnosed with PTSD Laurie began to seek active therapy with her mental health providers and support team. Despite the intensity of having to revisit past traumatic events and process unresolved trauma, all while being a new mother, Laurie continued to show that her indomitable spirit would never fail her.

In later years Laurie began to realize that her time was finally coming to a close with the RCMP. She also discusses how difficult it was to leave and how this later assisted her in her continued PTSD recovery.

Laurie, in this next chapter of life, is an accomplished author and has written a published book "10-33: An Officer Down Steps Back Up" which details her experience. Laurie also enjoys public speaking and is proud to continue to share her story in hopes of helping someone in need.

A conversation that covers much ground, Laurie has proven herself repeatedly in life. The struggles in life can often be profound. The limitations both physical and psychological that can come from the "cost of service" are often unspoken by our First Responders; however, in this episode we dive deep into what that world can look like.

Thank you for listening and your support!

Please consider supporting Laurie. You can do this through purchasing her book here:

https://www.amazon.ca/10-33-Officer-Down-Steps-Back/dp/103911573X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3THQPMWOXEQL3&keywords=10-33+an+officer+down+steps+back+up&qid=1648091627&sprefix=10-33%2Caps%2C117&sr=8-1

If you are looking to connect with Laurie to book her for your next speaking engagement and cannot find her please feel free to reach out to myself and I can help!

Join me as I wrap up Season One! For those that have followed: you know how deep and personal my story has become. I am honoured to share what I have experienced, what I have learned and how I have grown. Struggles in life occur and should occur. We often times thrive in struggle if we allow ourselves to address it head on. Acceptance, among other aspects, is one thing I realized at the end of my journey that I needed in order to promote my own healing.

As I reflect on some of the inner child work that brought me to my conclusion I too was skeptical at first. Inner child work was such a foreign concept and I struggled to accept this as holding value in recovery. What it did do for me is allowed me to finally see my own self worth.

As I wrap up Season One I reflect on the journey of sharing my story and where we are headed next. We are not done here. There is more to come and I could not be more excited to share what's in store for Season Two!

As always take care and much love!

Join me as I reflect on leaving rehab. Rehab allowed such a shift in my recovery to happen. For me to learn so much about myself and to finally recover from years of trauma. Going home I was fearful, concerned and hopeful to bring these new teachings home with myself. I knew that the hard work would begin at home. I needed to challenge myself in many ways to maintain recovery. I reflect on what these challenges looked like. I discuss my fear and excitement with returning home.

I also reflect on when the pandemic struck and how we as society were asked to socially isolate. The challenges that came from this time were immense. We all suffered. Our mental health suffered, so did other aspects of our health. We are social "creatures" and without connection in our lives we will begin to face challenges to our overall health. I reflect on my own challenges in this moment and how it contributed to my relapse.

My son was later born in December 2020 and I knew when I held him that if I did not embrace sobriety I would fail as a father. I knew the pain behind addiction and was not prepared to become the same person I did in the depths of PTSD.

I also knew that it was time to retire from the RCMP. That this was exactly what I needed in order to promote further recovery. I believed I could not recover if I continued to be a Mountie. After all so much trauma had not only come from being a first responder, but I single handidly saw first hand how the Mounties deal with harassment and bullying internally.

I had to learn to let go of a childhood dream. A disillusioned thought of what being a Police Officer really was. I had to embrace my fear of retiring early, challenge myself to create a new identity and continue to heal from everything I had experienced over the years.

Now these challenges ultimately lead to incredible growth and I would not change a single part of my story.

As they saying goes, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

I hold gratitude for it all and thanks for what's to come!

Thank you for listening and thank you for your support!

Join me as I reflect on my continued journey into rehab. I reflect on how I was challenged to begin to meditate, participate in group therapy and share my emotions. I also learned how to assess myself in detail to see what exactly I was experiencing throughout the day. I was learning to acknowledge the depression, anxiety or pain that came from my past trauma's. I also learned in depth about the symptoms behind PTSD and how they directly related to the way I was previously living my life.

Truly connecting with myself was something I needed to relearn how to do. Or maybe for that matter learn how to do it properly for the first time in my life. I had learned in rehab that connecting with myself allowed me to connect fully with others. To meet each other with compassion and shared experience. Group therapy was fundamental in teaching me the value of true, authentic connection.

Sleep also became something I began to excel at. As a Police Officer I stopped sleeping well a few years into the career. Over time my sleeping patterns worsened and it was not until rehab when I began to teach the body how to sleep properly once more. We also focused on nutrition and hydration. 

In this episode I also dive into my relationship with anger. Anger is a secondary emotion that we often times present externally in order to hide the primary emotion in which we actually are experiencing. For me my primary emotions over the years which included, fear, loss and sadness were experienced many times over through my service life; however, I lacked emotional intelligence at that point and unfortunately anger would present itself as I attempted to hide my primary emotions that I had experienced.

Join me as I cover off a few more aspects which I am grateful for!

Thank you for listening and thank you for your support!

Join me as I reflect on when I went to a rehabilitation centre in Nanaimo, British Columbia. Police Officers go to rehabilitation centres, first responders go to rehabilitation centres. You would be surprised how many first responders end up going to a rehabilitation centre. There are programs designed specifically for first responders and the trauma they have endured as a result of occupational stress injuries or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Two programs usually are offered to a first responder: A trauma based program (absent of addiction issues) and a trauma based program with addiction issues. I was in a state of denial and unwilling at the time to admit the depth of my issue, or addiction, and thus opted for the the trauma based program. I believed at that time that if I addressed my trauma from policing I would be able to deal with the addiction issue at the same time. Essentially negating any need to admit that I too was facing an addiction issue on top of my preexisting PTSD issues from Policing.

As I reflect on this experience I am incredibly grateful for having had gone. I learned much about myself, my trauma and why I was unwell after years of traumatic first responder exposures on the job. I learned where trauma exists in our bodies. Surprisingly its not where you would think. I also learned how to allow my body the opportunity to start to decompress after years of trauma and accumulation of stress.

I also learned about the connection between experienced trauma as first responder and childhood trauma. How this often times must both be "treated" in order to begin to heal from everything you have experienced in your life.

I also gained sobriety in rehab. Something I also acknowledge I needed in order to begin the healing process. I will never forget the amazing people I met there. Those that healed, those that relapsed and those who unfortunately are no longer with us due to the disease.

Thank you for listening and thank you for your support!

Join me as my journey continues into PTSD and the relationship between it and suicide. First responders are at a heightened risk for suicide. Many times when we think of suicide we believe that it is or was a selfish act and can be very misunderstood as to why someone would consider taking their own life.

Our first responders can be exposed to significant amounts of trauma. So much so that the pain and suffering left behind long after the call continues to remain with the body and the mind. First responders may develop unhealthy coping skills in an attempt to block out the pain and suffering which in turn most times actually causes more harm.

If pain and suffering becomes significant and endured long enough some may seek solutions to this pain. For some they no longer hold the desire for self preservation and can contemplate harming themselves through addictive behaviours, suicide, suicidal thoughts or inflicting self harm to ones self.

The body and mind, when healthy, will actively stay away from at risk events or thoughts of harming itself; however, if unwell may actively seek out alternative solutions to end the pain and suffering one may be enduring.

I at one point had these thoughts, both in sobriety and in active addiction. Most deny suicidal thoughts as they equate it with the end act of actually taking your own life; however, suicidal ideation is a part of suicide and suicidal thoughts. It is the thought of no longer wanting to be here or possibly ending your own life. These thoughts are indicative that something larger at play is going on and there is no shame in acknowledging these thoughts.

If you are having these thoughts they should be discussed with your medical professional and I can assure you help does exist!

Thank you for listening and thank you for your support!

Join me as my journey continues into the chapter when I reflect more in depth about my return to work following paternity leave. I speak specifically about some of the challenges I faced upon my return to work that left me feeling unsupported and most likely contributed to the return of my panic attacks. Further organization challenges push my panic attacks to grow. I do not blame the RCMP for this. I largely accept that due to all of my past experiences my body was simply overwhelmed by the slightest situation or challenge now. This is what PTSD can look like after years of stress taking a toll on the body's fight or flight system.

My tolerance to stress had significantly been reduced after years of over exposure to various stressful events. Our bodies can only take so much, before the body pushes back and puts its own limitations in place forcing you to deal with your health once and for all. I had been avoiding my "stress" and PTSD for years and my clock had finally run out. I wasn't aware of this all at this moment to this depth, but reflecting back it is incredibly clear to me.

In addition to my final panic attack, which I believed mimicked a heart attack. I recall a sensation so strong in the body that to me it meant that this was my final warning sign. If I did not fully address my struggle I would end up dead as a young man with a heart attack due to stress.

I shortly after fell into a deep depression or what I like to call it now, a state of "deep rest". My medical cannabis consumption increased significantly during this period and my addiction formed quickly. While I believed in moments that my PTSD, depression and anxiety were properly being managed by the cannabis I had in fact created a much more complex issue behind the PTSD.

Join me as we cover more of my journey that lead to when I recognized I needed help. I was forced to ask my employer for help despite the immense hesitation I had to reach out to them while maintaining the position of being a Police Officer. 

We often run from our problems, hoping to avoid and deny them the light of day. The pain this in turn causes can be profound. Be kind to yourself and embrace discomfort. Get the help that exists beyond the struggle. Your health depends on it.

Thank you for listening and thank you for your support!

Join me as my journey continues into when I noticed an improvement in my mental and physical health while off on paternity leave. At the same time I was medically supported to use medical cannabis to treat my PTSD, depression and anxiety(amongst the other symptoms I faced). Despite this time away from work and decreased stress, which evidently did help, upon return to work my anxiety and panic attacks returned quickly.

Despite being filled with hope, positivity and optimism upon my return these healthy feelings were replaced with debilitating panic attacks that seemed to be growing in severity. I also believed and had a feeling of being unsupported in the workplace not to mention most likely still subconscious did not feel safe at work due to my past experience with violence in the workplace.

In the early stages of using medical cannabis to treat my PTSD and panic attacks I believed it was a healthy relationship and it truly offered a solution to my problem; however, addiction tends to start this way with most substances. Especially when substances are consumed in an effort to cope or deal with the pain and suffering we may be experiencing in life.

This episode set the stage of what's to come. My journey into addiction and what that looked like for me.

Thank you for listening and thank you for your support!

Join me as I recall when I decided I no longer could remain silent about having had experienced harassment and bullying within the RCMP. This was an incredibly difficult time in my life; however, was recognized as a moment that I possessed the strength to deal with such a complex situation. The unfortunate part of this was that I quickly learned that the complaint process for harassment is largely, what I perceive to be, ineffective and slow moving.

Having had a personal experience into where the weaknesses exist within a Police organization on how they handle harassment left me feeling hopeless in moments and unsupported. I eventually found an alternative solution to this situation and brought my experience to management asking for help for this individual.

I also start to recognize the real physical toll of stress on the body. In addition I begin to notice how my struggle with PTSD was growing from experienced harassment and increased workplace stress. Panic attacks and increased anxiety were a daily occurrence for me. My body had suffered as a result of this experience.

Despite seeing some positive action taken due to myself stepping forward. I believe the damage had been done so to speak. My anxiety and panic attacks did not go away on their own. Instead they continued to increase over time and grew in severity.

This episode builds on the previous episode and continues to be aimed directly at open conversation. Conversation aimed at focusing on growth and awareness. Take care of each other, always!

I hope you enjoy this weeks episode.

Take care!