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Terry Real – Breaking the Rules of Traditional Couples Therapy for Superior Results, A Few Frameworks That Work (#798)

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For this episode, I’m doing something a bit different. I’m featuring five chapters from the audiobook Fierce Intimacy by Terry Real. What you will hear in this episode will help you identify both your and your partner’s losing strategies in relationships and help you move from disharmony to repair. Terry is the creator of Relational Life Therapy, or RLT, which underpins all his books, courses, and teachings and equips people with the powerful relational skills they need to make love work. He is also the author of five books, including the New York Times bestseller Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. 

And if you’d like an extra dose of calm, I recommend checking out Henry Shukman, a past podcast guest and one of only a few dozen masters in the world authorized to teach Sanbo Zen. Henry’s app, The Way, has changed my life. I’ve been using it daily, often twice a day, and it’s lowered my anxiety more than I thought possible. For 30 free sessions, just visit thewayapp.com/tim. No credit card required.

Excerpted from Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with LOVE by Terry Real (Sounds True, 2018). Used with permission.

Please enjoy!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Podcast Addict, Pocket Casts, Castbox, YouTube Music, Amazon Music, Audible, or on your favorite podcast platform.

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Want to hear another podcast episode that deals with overcoming relationship obstacles? Listen to my conversation with psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel, in which we discussed the challenges of therapizing couples in pandemic quarantine, the rewards of reframing our self-image, maintaining connection in long-distance relationships, coping with loneliness, the importance of maintaining personal rituals during trying times, and much more.

What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.

SELECTED LINKS FROM THE EPISODE
  • Connect with Terry Real:

    • Website

    • Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with Love by Terry Real | Amazon
    • Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terry Real | Amazon
    • What is Relational Life Therapy (RLT)? | Relational Life Institute
    • Zen Master Henry Shukman — 20 Minutes of Calm, Plus the Strange and Powerful World of Koans | The Tim Ferriss Show #560
    • Henry Shukman — Zen, Tools for Awakening, Ayahuasca vs. Meditation, Intro to Koans, and Using Wounds as the Doorway | The Tim Ferriss Show #531
    • Meditation Training Program | The Way
    • The “Still Face” Experiment by Dr. Ed Tronick | UMass Chan Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences
    • James Framo on the First Day of Your Real Marriage | Terry Real, Instagram
    • It’s Time For a Relational Reckoning | Terry Real, YouTube
    • My Big Fat Greek Wedding | Prime Video
    • Bringing Down an Empire: Gandhi and Civil Disobedience | Teach Democracy
    • Releasing the Pressure: A Dive into Freud’s Hydraulic Model of the Mind | Ezra Brand
    • Offending from the Victim Position | Center for Relationship and Sexual Wellness
    • Does Withdrawing Ever Work in Relationships? | Terry Real, YouTube
    • From Withdrawal to Reconnection: A Step-by-Step Guide | Terry Real, YouTube
    • Terry Real’s Five Losing Strategies & Five Winning Strategies | Moonstone Counseling
      • SHOW NOTES
      • [00:03:11] Harmony, disharmony, and repair: The rhythm of all intimate human relationships.
      • [00:06:27] Harmony: Love without knowledge.
      • [00:07:01] Disharmony: Knowledge without love.
      • [00:10:01] Repair: Knowing love.
      • [00:10:35] Stay or go? A relational reckoning.
      • [00:12:04] Five losing strategies for getting from disharmony to repair.
      • [00:13:21] Being right: Objective reality has no place in personal relationships.
      • [00:16:35] Trying to control your partner: No one likes being controlled.
      • [00:21:35] Unbridled self-expression: The barf bag approach to intimacy.
      • [00:27:33] Retaliation: Offending from the victim position.
      • [00:32:13] Withdrawal: Provacative distance-taking.
      • [00:35:58] Shaking hands with your adaptive child — your losing strategy profile (LSP).
      • [00:38:08] Lessons learned by comparing your partner’s LSP with your own.
        • PEOPLE MENTIONED

        Pia Mellody
        Kevin Rose
        Peter Attia
        Henry Shukman
        Edward Tronick
        Sigmund Freud
        Ethel Person
        James Framo
        Belinda Berman-Real
        Mahatma Gandhi

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