“A boy’s question of the world is ‘What do you got for me?’ A man’s question of the world is ‘What’s needed here?'”
— Terry Real

Terry Real is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and teacher. He is known for his groundbreaking work on men and male psychology as well as his work on gender and couples.

His book I Don’t Want To Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, the first book ever written on the topic of male depression, is a national bestseller. His new book, Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship is a New York Times bestseller.

Terry’s Relational Life Institute offers training for therapists and workshops for couples and individuals.

Please enjoy!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Podcast Addict, Pocket Casts, Castbox, YouTube Music, Amazon Music, Audible, or on your favorite podcast platform. Watch the interview on YouTube. The transcript of this episode can be found here. Transcripts of all episodes can be found here.

This episode is brought to you by Cresset prestigious family office for CEOs, founders, and entrepreneurs; Ramp easy-to-use corporate cards, bill payments, accounting, and more; and Wealthfront high-yield cash account.

This episode is brought to you by Wealthfront! Wealthfront is a financial services platform that offers services to help you save and invest your money. Right now, you can earn 4.00% APY—that’s the Annual Percentage Yield—with the Wealthfront Brokerage Cash Account from its network of partner banks. That’s nearly ten times more interest than a savings account at a bank, according to FDIC.gov as of 03/17/2025 (Wealthfront’s 4.00% APY vs. 0.41% average savings rate). It takes just a few minutes to sign up, and then you’ll immediately start earning 4.00% APY interest on your short term cash until you’re ready to invest. And when new clients open an account today, they can get an extra fifty-dollar bonus with a deposit of five hundred dollars or more. Terms & Conditions apply. Visit Wealthfront.com/Tim to get started. 

APY as of 03/17/2025 and is subject to change. Tim Ferriss receives cash compensation from Wealthfront Brokerage LLC for advertising and holds a non-controlling equity interest in the corporate parent of Wealthfront Brokerage. See full disclosures here.

This episode is brought to you by Cresset Family Office! Listeners have heard me talk about “making before you manage” for years. And for me—as a writer and entrepreneur—I definitely gravitate toward making. So it’s important that I find the right people who are great at managing. That’s why I trust this episode’s sponsor, Cresset Family Office. 

Cresset is a prestigious family office for CEOs, founders, and entrepreneurs. They handle the complex financial planning, uncertain tax strategies, timely exit planning, bill pay and wires, and all the other parts of wealth management that would otherwise pull me away from doing what I love most: making things, mastering skills, and spending time with the people I care about.  Experience the freedom of focusing on what matters to you with the support of a top wealth management team. Schedule a call today at cressetcapital.com/Tim to see how Cresset can help streamline your financial plans and grow your wealth.

I’m a client of Cresset. There are no material conflicts other than this paid testimonial. All investing involves risk, including loss of principal.

This episode is brought to you by Ramp! Ramp is corporate card- and spend-management software designed to help you save time and put money back in your pocket. Ramp has already saved more than 25,000 customers—including other podcast sponsors like Shopify and Eight Sleep—more than 10 million hours and more than $1 billion through better financial management of their corporate spending.

With Ramp, you’re able to issue cards to every employee with limits and restrictions and automate expense reporting, allowing you to close your books 8x faster on average. Your employees will no longer need to spend hours submitting expense reports. In less than 15 minutes, you can get started issuing virtual and physical cards and making payments, whether you have 5 employees or 5,000. Businesses that use Ramp save an average of 5% on total card spending and related expenses in the first year. And now, you can get $250 when you join Ramp. Just go to ramp.com/Tim.

Want to hear five chapters from the audiobook Fierce Intimacy by Terry Real? Listen here—it will help you identify both your and your partner’s losing strategies in relationships and help you move from disharmony to repair.

What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.

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“A boy’s question of the world is ‘What do you got for me?’ A man’s question of the world is ‘What’s needed here?'”
— Terry Real

“Family pathology rolls from generation to generation like a fire in the woods taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow.”
— Terry Real

“Have the courage to move beyond the defaults you were handed, and do it with help.”
— Terry Real

“Part of the reason why we don’t change is we’re loyal to the relationships that we learn how to be screwed up in. And it feels odd. I say we’re immigrants. We leave the old country and the old people behind.”
— Terry Real

“Enter into compassionate curiosity about your partner’s subjective experience. They’re nuts? Okay, but find out what kind of nut they are.”
— Terry Real

“Repair is a one-way street. … If you have a disgruntled partner, you are at their service. … Somebody comes to the customer service window and says, ‘My microwave doesn’t work.’ They don’t want to hear you say, ‘Well, my toaster doesn’t work.’ They don’t want your excuses. Fix the goddamn microwave. … Put yourself aside and tend to them.”
— Terry Real

“Boys and men get depressed because of what I call normal boyhood trauma under patriarchy. We are taught at three, four, five years old to deny our vulnerability, to disconnect from our feelings, to disconnect from others, all in the name of autonomy. We cut off half of our humanity—the feelings, the vulnerability, connection—really, in some ways, the most rich, nourishing parts of what it means to be a human. And that cutoff, which is imposed on boys, that cutoff is traumatic. And it also renders you isolated and lonely. So there’s a lot of trauma. That trauma becomes depression, that depression becomes acting out or self-medication. And if you really want to heal someone, you hit all three layers. First the defenses, then the depression, then the childhood trauma.”
— Terry Real

“Moving men, women, non-binary folk into true intimacy is synonymous with moving them beyond traditional gender roles, beyond patriarchy. Men have to move into vulnerability and open their hearts. Women have to move into assertion with love—not with harshness but with love. And doing that on both sides moves beyond anything that this culture teaches us. It’s pioneer work.”
— Terry Real

“It absolutely kills me when people describe my work as ‘Terry’s trying to feminize men.’ No, I want whole human beings. I want smart, sexy, competent women. I want powerful, big-hearted, compassionate men. We don’t need to halve ourselves in compliance to the world order. We can be whole.”
— Terry Real

“There’s a saying: ‘Therapists are people who need to be in therapy 40 hours a week.’ I became a professional therapist to heal myself, and then I became a family therapist to learn how to have a relationship.”
— Terry Real

“Not being intimate is as bad for your body as smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. This is hard, black and white research. We are born to be intimate. Moving beyond traditional gender roles is the only way to get there. So stop whining, stand up, and learn a few relational skills. It’s good for you, it’s good for your body—you’ll live longer—it’s good for your marriage, and it’s good for your children.”
— Terry Real

The post Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules (#810) appeared first on The Blog of Author Tim Ferriss.