Welcome to Textbook Sleep, the Maximum-Strength Sleep Aid. Tonight, your cares will dissolve as I read from The Ethics of Aristotle. You will never find out exactly what those ethics were, you will be sound asleep, probably within minutes. In Athens, Aristotle was known for putting entire audiences to sleep with his lectures. It was all the same to him, he got his money upfront. When I read from these pages, you should know that I am giving myself periodic electric shocks to stay awake—I am no less susceptible to his soporific writing than you are—so if you hear any electronic buzzing in the background, or my voice suddenly becoming shrill, you’ll know the reason. Let’s go back to ancient Greece, then. There’s no easier place to fall asleep.

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