Welcome to That’s Entertainment with No, Not Them.. I’m Chris Brown — and no, not that one. At this point, my name is less an introduction and more a legal disclaimer.

Today we’re talking the Oscars: the winners, the losers, and the snubs. Or as I like to call it, “famous people finding out that being adored by millions still isn’t enough.” Every year the Academy reminds us that no matter how successful you are, somewhere there’s still a room full of people in expensive clothing deciding you’re not quite moisturized enough for greatness.

We’re also diving into the news of a Val Kilmer AI post-death movie, because apparently Hollywood has decided the best way to honor human creativity is to remove the human part. We used to worry robots would take over factories. Now they’re taking over prestige biopics. At this rate, the next Oscar winner will be a Dropbox folder with a publicist.

Then there’s The Bachelorette, which has cancelled a season. A tragic loss for romance, rose farmers, and men who describe themselves as “an entrepreneur” because they once ordered ring lights in bulk. Somewhere, a mansion sits empty, a hot tub goes unused, and 28 men with podcast equipment are being forced to seek attention the old-fashioned way: online.

We’re also stepping into the manosphere — yes, the manosphere — that magical corner of the internet where every guy who failed ninth-grade biology now thinks he can redesign civilization. It’s an incredible place. Every video is titled something like Why Modern Society Fears Alpha Truth, and the thumbnail is always a man pointing at a graph he absolutely does not understand.

And finally, to restore our faith in performance, timing, and the human soul, we’re counting down the top three Catherine O’Hara performances. Which is impossible, because Catherine O’Hara has never given a bad performance in her life. She doesn’t act so much as arrive, elevate everyone around her, and leave the rest of the cast looking like community theater volunteers who won a raffle.

Catherine O’Hara can do more with one stare than most actors can do with a trilogy, a dialect coach, and a six-month press tour about “the physicality of the role.”

So today we’ve got insecure millionaires, AI necromancy, cancelled reality romance, the internet’s weirdest masculinity convention, and Catherine O’Hara being better at existing than the rest of us.

For the next hour we’ll be doing what Hollywood does best: laughing through the collapse.

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