In last week’s chapter of The Turned-On Couple, you learned about why it’s important to master the art of sexual initiation. I use the term “art” because with seduction and initiation there’s no formula, no one-size-fits-all script.

In Pt 1 of Sexual Initiation, we learned the importance of understanding our partner’s experience and why communication matters. Mastering sexual initiation requires an understanding of desire, attunement, communication, confidence and (yes) disappointment.

Let’s look next at how these elements play a role in sexual initiation. Here are some things to remember as the initiator.

Start with your own desire

If we’re inviting our partner to have sex with us, we want them to feel our authentic desire. If we want our lover to say “yes,” we should say “yes” to ourselves first. If we’re in touch with our own desire, it shows, and our partner can feel it.

Before you approach your partner, take some time to connect to your body. Breathe all the way down into your genitals, and start to feel what’s going on below the neck. Imagine what it would be like to lie naked next to your lover. Give yourself time to connect to your own desire.

When initiation comes from your own desire, your partner will see it in the softening of our gaze, the deepening of our breath, the feel of our touch, and the sound of our voice.

When you connect to your desire, you invite your lover to connect to their own desire. You’re not just guiding them into an activity like a horny teenager; you’re guiding them into a state of receptivity, of letting go. You’re inviting them into a space of desire and intimacy that you’re already occupying, by opening the door and saying, “Come on in, and join me in here.”

Attune to your partner and step into confidence

Now that you’ve connected to your own desire, begin to attune to your partner. Put your phone down, close your laptop, and start to put your full attention on them. Love them up emotionally first.

Offer them some nonsexual touch to guide them out of their busy minds and into their bodies. Give them time to feel your open invitation and connect to their own desire. If they are the lower desire partner, remember that arousal often comes on board with intimate, non-goal oriented touch and emotional connection.

If you’re initiating, don’t be afraid to take charge. If you’re hesitant, nervous about being rejected, or feeling timid (about being seen in your desire), your partner has no lead to follow. If you’re a dance partner, you know what I mean.

Initiation is where you begin to build sexual polarity and passion. Step up, take the lead, and guide your partner onto the dance floor with confidence. Your partner wants to trust that you have the skill to give them pleasure, and the passion to carry that confident energy throughout your sexual encounter.

Confidence comes from within. Sexual initiation requires you to assert yourself and take the risk that you may not get what you want. We all know what it’s like to step up in other parts of our lives. Stepping up to initiate sex is no different.

Be direct. Asking for what you want isn’t making a demand. It’s having the courage to share and show your desire. Being vague, beating around the bush, can come off as wishy-washy. Seduction isn’t wishy-washy: it’s clear, direct, and confident.

Initiation doesn’t always have to fall on the shoulders of the higher desire partner; the lower-desire partner can initiate as well. Their invitation may have a different flavor, but their desire can be expressed just as openly and directly.

Higher desire partners love to feel desired and pursued by their partner. It’s an experience they rarely get and often deeply long for.

Planning is Sexy

If spontaneous sex rarely happens, or if you’ve gotten into a pattern of an emotionally disengaged quickie before sleep, I encourage you to plan for sex and give it the attention it deserves.

Set a day and time when you both know that you’ll have the energy, the privacy, and the intention to enjoy sharing some physical pleasure.

I know for those who prefer spontaneity, planned sex sounds boring, but what’s boring is ongoing failed attempts to initiate because of all the excuses we can find to not have sex at any given spontaneous moment.

Make a date with your partner for, say, Saturday at 4:00PM. Do what you need to do to make it happen. Let that plan percolate for a few days. Enjoy the anticipation. As you move through your week, you both know that Saturday at 4:00 is dedicated to intimacy.

Most importantly, planning time for intimacy, interrupts the daily question of ‘is this the day sex will happen?’ This ongoing silent query creates an undercurrent of tension that is pervasive in a couple life together. Plan for intimacy, put in the books, and relax the daily wondering that looms over both the higher desire and lower desire partners.

When you both put intimacy on the top of your priority list, you show each other that your relationship matters. When you show up on Saturday afternoon at 4:00, relaxed and ready to be together, you’re showing your partner that they matter.

Expand your erotic menu

Once you accept that planned sex may be worth exploring, you have the added option of planning how you’re going to spend your upcoming time together.

As an initiator, introduce your partner to the idea of co-creating an “erotic menu.” Building erotic menus (preferred erotic activities) together opens the door to novelty and variety, the two favorite spices that couples seek.

Talk about the kind of energy you’re hoping to enjoy based on those preferred erotic activities, and this can change week to week, or day to day. Here are some examples of sexual energies: sensual, tantric, romantic, passionate, kinky. When we start to inquire into the experience we’re looking for, we can better communicate what we want and how we want to feel during sex.

If you’re the one to initiate, assure your partner that you’re going to take charge in creating the environment to support the experience they’re looking for. This includes music playlist, and lighting, toys, attire, for example, all combine to create the desired set and setting.

Get good at communicating about sex.

If your partner isn’t fully on board with your initiation, rather than withdrawing your energy and falling into an internal negative story, get curious. Consider what might be holding them back from saying “yes.” They might not even know themselves at first, so ask them, “Is there anything that needs to change that would help you say “yes” to spending some intimate time together?”

Reasons to not have sex can range from emotional blocks to practical needs like:

I’m too tired, I need to sleep.

I feel full and lethargic after that big meal.

I’m worried about a family member.

I have residual feelings about last night’s argument.

The room’s not warm enough. The light’s too bright.

I feel scattered and distracted.

All these reasons are valid, and they’re all solvable with some communication and action.

Is your initiation phrased like an all or nothing question, or do you offer alternative ways of being intimate together? Are you open to hearing what they might be a ‘yes’ to? Ask them.

In an upcoming chapter we’ll talk about seduction, and why for many seduction has become a lost art that partners may have forgotten, never learned, or just gotten lazy about as they’ve adapted to more short-hand formulas of initiation.

When we understand that a “no” could also mean, “not under these current conditions” we can help our partner find what they need in order to open themselves to intimacy. Initial hesitancy and resistance can sometimes be too quickly misinterpreted as a hard “no.”

Don’t assume your partner is declining your initiation unless it’s clearly stated. If their “no” is clearly stated, accept their decision without emotionally disconnecting.

Navigating disappointment

Learning to handle disappointment when your partner says “no” is perhaps the most important lesson of initiating. I know that may sound self-defeating, but disappointment is going to happen. It’s guaranteed!

You’re in a relationship with another human being who has their own thoughts and feelings. How you handle disappointment is going to set the tone for your entire sexual dynamic.

If your partner says no to your initiation and your pattern is to withdraw, get moody, or lash out, then you’re punishing your partner for saying “no.” If your partner expects to be emotionally punished for declining your invitation, you’re linking sex to a negative experience.

Using emotional punishment against your partner only encourages your partner to feel resentful and obliged to have sex in order to avoid negative emotions. Obligatory sex is not a turn-on for either partner, and a sexless relationship is often born out of this negative dynamic.

Turn this around by stepping out of the emotional patterns that trigger each other when an initiation is rejected.

Let go of the myth that sex is supposed to just happen spontaneously with the same passion and focus as when you first got together.

If you feel stuck in an ongoing negative pattern when it come to initiation then an honest conversation needs to happen, initiate that instead (when the time is right and nervous systems are calm).

If one or both of you suspect that excuses are being used to avoid tougher challenges (like a general lack of desire or a loss of attraction, or all the other reasons that can lead to a ‘no’) coaching can help facilitate conversations to move beyond these blocks.

Let’s do a quick recap:

* Stop what’s not working and start to explore new approaches to initiation.

* Prioritize and bring intention to your intimacy by putting it in your calendar.

* Find your inner confidence and step into a leadership role.

* Connect to and show your own desire.

* Attune to your partner, and assess how to support them in getting what they need to be an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to sex.

* Communicate openly and honestly about both of your desires.

* Disappointments will happen, but stay connected to your partner, even during disappointment, and use good communication skills to move through it together.

Remember, sexual initiation in a long-term relationship is not a formula. You and your partner are unique. Make the effort to discover what works for you!

Understanding desire, building confidence, navigating disappointment, stepping out of negative patterns are not solved by reading an article, but they are often solved by working with a relationship and intimacy coach who is trained to guide you in your growth toward a satisfying and connected intimate life with your partner.

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