In a breathtaking and frankly objectionable act of trolling, a GQ deputy editor and a senior editor at Taste have released a list of Haribo gummi rankings on The Awl. The rankings are wrong, they are bad, and as a person with no fewer than five burgeoning cavities and three bags of gummi bears in my purse, I am qualified—nay, compelled—to forcefully rebut them.