The Best Friend Project

I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY.

For mothers raising children with disabilities, friendship can be an unexpectedly lonely place. Friends stop calling, invitations disappear, and even well-meaning gestures can leave you feeling more isolated than included.

Kari Morin is the mother of three sons, including Griffin, who lives with a rare genetic disorder that causes severe epilepsy and intellectual disability. When Kari took The Best Friend Project survey, she shared something that caught my attention: She didn't want to be pitied. She wanted to be included. Even when she couldn't show up.

That led us into a fascinating conversation about the ways pity can creep into our friendships, often disguised as kindness or concern.

Together, we examine five types of pity:

1. Protective Pity: When friends make decisions for you, assuming they're sparing you discomfort or difficulty.
2. Performative Pity: When excessive sympathy leaves you comforting the very people who are supposed to be comforting you.
3. Passive Pity: When friends stop calling or inviting you because they assume you're too busy or overwhelmed.
4. Passive-Aggressive Pity: When comments about how difficult or dramatic your life must be leave you feeling judged, diminished, or different.
5. The Pity Party: When we give ourselves permission to feel sorry for ourselves, and why sometimes that's exactly what we need.

Kari also offers a beautiful alternative to pity: curiosity. Asking questions, listening to the answers, and genuinely trying to understand someone else's experience.

Because sometimes the most loving thing a friend can do isn't to know what to say. It's to care enough to ask.

Connect with Kari: 

Website (https://karimorin.com/)

Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/kmocrave/) 

Resources Kari Mentioned:

We Are Brave Together (https://www.wearebravetogether.org/)

Inclusion Empowers (https://www.inclusionempowers.org/)

Suddenly Brave Together (https://www.wearebravetogether.org/suddenly-brave-together)

The Things We Know Podcast (https://thethingsweknowpodcast.com/)

Learn more about The Best Friend Project:

https://thebestfriendproject.co

Discover your Friendship Archetype:
Take the Friendship Survey:
https://thebestfriendproject.co/signup

Stay in touch:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thebest_friendproject/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheBestFriendProject

Questions? [email protected]

Chapters:

00:00 – Cold Open

01:41 – The Conversation We’re Sometimes Afraid to Have
 3:08 – Griffin’s Story: A Diagnosis That Took Years to Uncover
 07:9 – The Loneliness of Being a Friend and a Caregiver
 10:29 – When Protecting Someone Becomes Pushing Them Away
 14:56 – You Don’t Have to Know What to Say—Just Show Up
 19:10 – What Our Childhoods Teach Us About Adult Friendship
 27:53 – Apologizing Without Losing Your Own Voice
 31:11 – Stop Assuming What Someone Needs
 38:34 – Finding Friends Who See the Person, Not the Disability
 42:53 – The Friend Who Showed Up With Dinner
 47:09 – Letting Your Kids See That It’s Okay Not to Be Okay
 50:20 – Resources for Caregivers and Families

Coming Next Week:

Next week on The Best Friend Project, Rachel sits down with Carrie Shea, aka The Preppy Mess, to talk about childhood friendships, growing apart, and what happens when the work of maintaining a friendship no longer works.

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What happens when you step out of social media and into real life, or IRL as the kids call it? Well, you will just have to try it and find out. 

When I ran the other direction from social media, I found myself, just one year ago, taping postcards up in women's bathroom stalls across the country. Asking them to share friendship experiences by taking my survey. This led me to learning from hundreds of women about regret, love, longing, betrayal and belonging. Their stories were so inspiring I pulled them forward on to a podcast. Which lead me to Donielle Young. A woman I met through Instagram comment, DM, then phone call, to being a guest on my show and from there, developing a real friendship. And in person real life friendship when she flew from Florida to Minnesota to hang out for a few days. 

For this bonus On The Phone bonus content, my 1990's style, kitchen wall phone chat I call my new friend Donielle to talk about our friendship. And yes at the end you do hear us talking about an IRL event for next year with The Best Friend Project. Stay in touch! Would love to meet you too!

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Protect your peace. Cut off toxic friends. Match their energy.

You’ve seen these all over Instagram. So have I. And they make my skin crawl. I’m not a Pollyanna about it. I’ve just read your surveys. Hundreds of them. And your answers tell a different story.

This is a solo episode. Just me, a stack of printouts, and the data you’ve given me through The Best Friend Project. I walk through the three friendship memes that drive me up a wall. I read from your surveys, including a note from Lucy in New York that I have permission to read. I share a story about an extrovert, an introvert, and a party invite list that almost ended a friendship. And I ask you to guess a number. Most of you will guess low.

I also push back on two of the biggest names in the friendship conversation right now (scary!)  Adam Grant’s new book Vibe, and Mel Robbins empahsis on on proximity. 

Plus, we go behind the scenes! I share the reality of launching this project using postcards in bathroom stalls across the country. Find out which airport bathroom I’m convinced never gets cleaned, what doors convert higher and how I handle bathroom attendants.

If you’ve been ghosted by a best friend, let a friendship fade, or wondered if you should reach out to someone you miss, press play.

Books I mention:

The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis (https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Four-Loves-Audiobook/B08ZNZW464?)

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz (https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/376130-the-four-agreements-a-practical-guide-to-personal-freedom)

Vibe: The Secrets of Strong Connections in a Lonely World by Adam Grant (https://www.audible.com/pd/Vibe-Audiobook/B0GPKJWX93?)

Stay Golden, Girls: Friendship Is the New Marriage by Rachel Steinman and Rachel Winter (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0DJMVJYPB?)

Fighting for Our Friendships by Danielle Bayard Jackson (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0306830612?)

It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn (https://markwolynn.com/it-didnt-start-with-you/)

Episodes I reference:

Shameless Elle (https://youtu.be/O_czSELnWrw)

Melanie Curtis (https://youtu.be/CYo1viN5k3w)

Danielle Young (https://youtu.be/pDZpA4r6ER4)

Barb Braaten (https://youtu.be/RDuLfG5ZFWg)

Ali Lohman (https://youtu.be/dVLK5yV34uQ)

Beth Pacunas (https://youtu.be/pn_mw4hvrz8)

Take the survey: thebestfriendproject.co
Want postcards for your town? DM me or email [email protected]

Every friendship has a story. What’s yours?

Chapters:

00:00 — Cold Open

01:36 — The Friendship That Ended With a Text Message

02:11 — Why I Started The Best Friend Project

07:46 — 7,000 Miles of Friendship Stories

12:59 — The Friendship Table That Changed How I See Friendship

17:32 — Three Friendship Myths on Social Media That Get Under My Skin

21:59 — Cutting Off “Toxic Friends” and the People We Still Miss

26:02 — “Match Their Energy”: The Friendship That Almost Ended

33:02 — Should We Really Be Ranking Our Friendships?

36:57 — Are Friendships Really About Proximity, Timing, and Energy?

44:33 — The Lessons That Could Change How You Show Up in Friendship

48:17 — The Best Friend Project Is Heading to TEDx!

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Rachel and Cami revisit a conversation about adult friendship, vulnerability, and the unexpected ways meaningful connections enter our lives. They talk about the courage it takes to approach someone new, why meeting in real life still matters, and how letting go of jealousy and comparison can help us appreciate the beauty in ourselves and others.

Connect with Cami: 

Website (https://www.camianntalbot.com/)

Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/camianntalbot) 

Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/cami.talbot/) 

Learn more about The Best Friend Project:

https://thebestfriendproject.co

Discover your Friendship Archetype:
Take the Friendship Survey:
https://thebestfriendproject.co/signup

Stay in touch:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thebest_friendproject/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheBestFriendProject

Questions? [email protected]

Support the show

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult—aren’t we supposed to know who we are by now?

When professional makeup artist Cami Talbot left the Mormon church at 14, she lost more than her religion—she lost her childhood tribe. Years later, an unexpected encounter with a stranger would challenge everything we assume about how adults make new friends.

But this conversation starts somewhere even more personal—the face in the mirror. Your face. After 15 years working as a makeup artist, Cami has noticed that what women dislike about their appearance sometimes has very little to do with beauty, and more to do with the features—and stories—we inherit. If your mom was always critical of you and you have her same eyes, do you see yourself or her when you look in the mirror? If your father was distant but you have his nose, is it really your nose you don't like—or the absent feeling it reminds you of?

Self-esteem, confidence and even the grace we give ourselves are deeply connected to how we think we look. And some of that may be tied to the relationships we had with our parents.

How much of who we think we are actually belongs to us?

This conversation explores what happens when we begin questioning the identities we inherited—from our parents, our religion and our past—and how changing the way we see ourselves can change the friendships we lose, the ones we keep, and the new ones we're brave enough to make.

Connect with Cami: 

Website (https://www.camianntalbot.com/)

Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/camianntalbot) 

Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/cami.talbot/) 

Learn more about The Best Friend Project:

https://thebestfriendproject.co

Discover your Friendship Archetype:
Take the Friendship Survey:
https://thebestfriendproject.co/signup

Stay in touch:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thebest_friendproject/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheBestFriendProject

Questions? [email protected]

Chapters:

00:00 – Cold Open

01:20 – Why Even the Most Beautiful People Struggle to Feel Enough

07:29 – Why We Need to Be Our Own Best Friend First

11:22 – The People Who Miss Someone but Won’t Make the First Move

17:29 – What If Another Woman’s Beauty Didn’t Threaten Your Own?

23:08 – Leaving the Mormon Church at 14 and Finding Her Own Way

33:59 – The Note That Started a Nine-Year Friendship

41:30 – Are We Too Quick to Walk Away?

45:39 – The One Thing Women Need Most From Their Friendships

50:01 – What If We Started Going to Therapy With Our Friends?

50:18 – The One Conversation You Might Need to Have Before It’s Too Late

Coming Next Week:

Rachel goes solo for Episode 20 of The Best Friend Project, reflecting on what she’s learned and why social media relationship experts may be doing more harm than good.

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Getting ghosted by a friend makes you the victim. Until you hear yourself tell the story out loud. After Beth’s episode aired, I called her back. I wanted to know what it was like to hear her friendship breakup played back. Her answer surprised both of us.

We get into in this bonus content to explore why trying not to be a bother can push people away. Why receiving love can feel harder than giving it. And why two people who shared weddings, babies and decades never once called each other “best.”

I also share the book that changed how I see my mom, and the patterns we inherit in who we let close.

If you’ve lost a friend and still don’t know why, start here.

Mentioned: It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn

Take the Friendship Survey: thebestfriendproject.co

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After 25 years of friendship, Beth never imagined her best friend might break up with her. “I thought she wasn’t calling back because she was sick.” For a year, Beth kept trying to reach her. When they finally spoke, the conversation ended their friendship. More than 20 years later, telling the story still moves Beth to tears.

In this episode, Beth shares what she’s come to understand about that breakup, including the ways she may have hurt her friend without realizing it. She still loves her, but there’s hurt there too. Could they ever have a friendship again? And what would she need to hear before that could happen?

What makes this conversation especially personal is that Beth is an old friend of mine. I could hardly believe my eyes when I reached her name at the end of her Best Friend Project survey. We hadn’t spoken in almost 15 years. Seeing her again gave me the chance to tell her how much she’s meant to me—and to thank her for holding my infant daughter at my father’s funeral.

Learn more about The Best Friend Project:
https://thebestfriendproject.co

Discover your Friendship Archetype:
Take the Friendship Survey:
https://thebestfriendproject.co/signup

Stay in touch:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thebest_friendproject/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheBestFriendProject

Questions? [email protected]

Chapters:

00:00 – Cold Open
 09:00 – The Friendship That Was Always There
15:40 – The People Who Showed Up After Rachel Lost Her Dad
21:22 – When a 25-Year Friendship Ends By Ghosting
26:08 – A Year of Calling, Waiting, and Wondering What Went Wrong
32:55 – Why Nobody Talks About Friendship Breakups
34:52 – Are We Too Quick to Label Friends as “Toxic”?
40:27 – “Will You Be My Friend?” 
42:10 – How a Friendship Struggle Sparked a Bigger Mission
46:45 – What Beth Wishes Her Former Best Friend Could Hear
50:51 – Is It Closure She Wants, or Just Accountability?
51:48 – Why We Need to Create Our Own Rules for Friendship


Coming Next Week:

Rachel sits down with her newer friend, Cammy, whom I met at Comic-Con in Salt Lake City. She does makeup for some of the most successful women in the world, and you might be surprised to hear how much they struggle with friendship, too.

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The story of Laura and Lisa is living proof that love doesn't die. Special thanks to Laura for sharing her story with us, and for the reminder to donate and apply to be a match. 

Hear our sweet, quick catch up on this episode of On The Phone with Laura Goodburn.  Thank you as always for listening to The Best Friend Project podcast. 

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When your spouse dies, you're a widow. But when your best friend dies, there isn't even a word for it.

Laura and Lisa met when they were three years old. They were best friends for over 30 years, until a fast and brutal fight with leukemia took Lisa's life. Laura hardly knew who she was without her.

Years later, Laura's life began to unravel. Her marriage ended. She lost her job and her home. She questioned if life was even worth living. But love, from a new friendship, helped save her.

And what she did with that love is the part I keep thinking about.

Talking to Laura forced me to reflect on all the trivial, petty, dumb stuff that can come between friends. Who got left off the group text. Who said what. Does any of it really matter?

At some point, we will all run out of time. This one life we've been given will end. Do we want to spend what's left of it replaying a comment, holding on to hurt, or staying guarded? If so, this episode just might change your heart and mind. 

In this episode:

• 00:00 Cold Open
• 01:03 Rod Stewart, Oprah, and motor oil
• 04:20 The haircut she fought in a coma
• 06:55 Friday date night in a hospital room
• 11:38 "If love could save someone"
• 12:50 When people claim a grief that isn't theirs
• 16:42 Are work friends worth the risk?
• 21:57 "I thought she was going to replace me"
• 26:33 The girl who had no one to write down
• 33:31 How you could save someone's best friend

Content note: This episode includes discussion of terminal illness, death, and a moment of suicidal thinking. If you are struggling, call or text 988 in the US or Canada.

Links:

• The Empty Chair Project: https://www.instagram.com/theemptychairproject.ca
• Canadian Blood Services stem cell registry: https://www.blood.ca
• Honeysuckle Coffee, Tillsonburg, Ontario https://www.instagram.com/honeysuckle.coffee
• Take the survey: https://thebestfriendproject.co/friendship-survey/

Coming Next Week:

Rachel sits down with Beth, a woman she knows personally, after being completely gripped by the story Beth shared in the Best Friend Project survey. What happens when a friendship has a few things left to talk about?

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It's a funny thing when you know your own life story. Because it is your life, it's the only thing you know. So it doesn't seem unusual or possibly even interesting to you. But when you say it out loud on a podcast and other people hear it, well, it can make you see your whole world differently. 

I hop on the phone with Kimberly to find out how she feels after a doozie of a trifecta episode starting with Brenda, then Kimberly's mom, and finally her story. 

This is not exactly the call I thought we would be having.

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