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The Big Picture - AFBF/Dadcast
Aiming for Biblical Families (AFBF). This is week 4's teaching of an 8-week series taught by my dad. We will only release 7 of the 8 episodes.
Show notes below. The show Questions are below that.
I want to relate here the four phases of parenting that Growing Kids material outlines.
Discipline phase: 1-5 years. The primary goal of this phase is to establish your right to lead. This is not oppressive authority, but loving authority. Children under five or are too young to operate with understanding or make wise decisions on their own. You must have boundaries that lead to freedom when they can behave in a responsible way.But until they reach that maturity, you have to be the “law.”
Training phase : 6-12 years. During this phase, you are showing your children
what to do and how to do it, and you are explaining why they are doing what they’re doing. They are practicing how to deal with life. Their decisions must begin to flow from their heart not from your rules.
Coaching phase: 13-19 years. During this phase, you are giving wisdom and
advice to your children. You need to begin to move to the sideline so that they can learn from their own failures and successes. But you are still there to protect them or help them when they have a glitch. But you want them to take ownership of decisions, to make their own decisions. This is the mark of maturity.
Friendship phase: 20 and older. Now that they have grown to make their own
decisions and are old enough to have their own family, they can be your friends. They will always be your child, and you can always exchange advice, ideas, and wisdom with them a trusted friend. But you must let them command their own ship.
Growing Kids did a good job at outlining these phases of parenting. I like to
break this down into three simpler phases. These age groupings are subjective, they depend on each child's maturity, this is not a hard and fast rule.
Parental authority phase: 1 – 6 or 7. In this phase you are the parent, you are in
charge. This does not mean you are a tyrant. But you have been working for years, you pay bills, you understand the hardships of life, you’ve been through some hard knocks.
You should be the one at the helm of the family ship. You have earned this position. Not that you are a dictator over your children; but, your job is to guide and protect them from things they don’t understand. You have to be the one in charge during this phase in order to protect them and train them for what they will deal with later in life.
Coaching phase: 8 – 16 or 17. During this phase you want to start training your
children to have the ability to begin thinking through situations for themselves. You want to coach them or guide them through decisions that they make or difficulties that they face. Someday you’re not going to be there to make decisions for them. Help them make successful decisions now while you are still around. Let them make a decision and then discuss the outcome. You want them to know how to turn to God for answers. You want them to know that God is their father and that their faith in Him is genuine. It's not built on your convictions, it's built on their own convictions.
Friendship phase: 18 and up. Now that your children are making their own
decision, they are getting ready to strike out on their own. They don’t want somebody telling them what to do. They want someone who is cheering for them. An advocate, not a commander. Because your relationship is secure, you can have divergent opinions and still remain friends. In this phase your children trust you and come to you for wisdom, not rules. You will also enjoy learning new things from them. After all, they have begun to walk in the unique calling God has placed on them. They will impart wisdom back to you.
I have seen many parents try to be friends with toddler, to treat him like a peer.
And I have seen many parents treat their 18 year old like a toddler. Here is something grievous I have seen: when you treat your toddler like a peer, you will raise up a tyrant. When you treat your 18-year-old like a toddler you will create an enemy. I covered this same subject in week 2; but, it bears repeating. Young children often rebel against authority because they want their own way. Selfishness has to be lovingly trained out of them. And they need to learn that you and God are a loving authority that will lead them in the right direction. But by the time the child is in their mid-teens, or later, you can’t demand respect from them. A teenager is not usually rebelling against authority, a teenager
usually rebels against a broken relationship. This is a much harder situation to amend when dealing with a teen. If you have a broken relationship with a teen, you will have to ask their forgiveness. Forgiveness, in that you have handled these different phases incorrectly, and that you are learning to correct things as best as you can. I would suggest doing the right thing at a young age so that you don’t lose your relationship with the child as they get ready to leave home.
Practical example.
The way you interact and give instructions to your children should change over time. Consider these scenarios.
Phase 1 (parental authority). You can only play in the backyard. You can’t go
to the park unless a parent goes with you. A two year old may ask, “Why?” I would answer with another question, “Who is the Dad?” In other words, “I'm the parent and you need to obey.” This is a sufficient answer for a little child. They are not able to comprehend that child predators may be at the park. Nor do you want to delineate for their young mind all the perversions of a pedophile.
Phase 2 (coaching). Your 12-year-old wants to go down the block to play
baseball with his friends. At this age it’s fine for him to go because he understands that there are certain characters to be aware of. “You can play baseball, but I want you to stay in a group and come home as soon as you’re done.” Your son may ask, “Why.” In this phase you give reasons for your instructions. “Because there is safety in groups and dinner will be ready by then. We enjoy spending time together as a whole family.” You are still the parent, you are still in charge; but, your instructions are built upon virtues and reasons
that he can grasp and agree with.
Phase 3 (friendship). You ask your 25 year-old daughter if she is free Saturday
morning. “Why?” she asks. “Because I can’t figure out what Mom needs for Christmas and I know you have great ideas. Just let me know if it works with your schedule. It would be fun to see you if you have time. If not, let’s make it another time.” This is a request, not a demand. Your daughter is an adult, she deserves respect for her own
schedule.
Questions
What do young children typically rebel against?
What do teens typically rebel against?
Which phase of parenting should your children be in right now?
How do instructions differ from phase 1 and phase 2?
How do instructions differ from phase 2 and phase 3?
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By Timon Nimtz
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Aiming for Biblical Families (AFBF). This is week 4's teaching of an 8-week series taught by my dad. We will only release 7 of the 8 episodes.
Show notes below. The show Questions are below that.
I want to relate here the four phases of parenting that Growing Kids material outlines.
Discipline phase: 1-5 years. The primary goal of this phase is to establish your right to lead. This is not oppressive authority, but loving authority. Children under five or are too young to operate with understanding or make wise decisions on their own. You must have boundaries that lead to freedom when they can behave in a responsible way.But until they reach that maturity, you have to be the “law.”
Training phase : 6-12 years. During this phase, you are showing your children
what to do and how to do it, and you are explaining why they are doing what they’re doing. They are practicing how to deal with life. Their decisions must begin to flow from their heart not from your rules.
Coaching phase: 13-19 years. During this phase, you are giving wisdom and
advice to your children. You need to begin to move to the sideline so that they can learn from their own failures and successes. But you are still there to protect them or help them when they have a glitch. But you want them to take ownership of decisions, to make their own decisions. This is the mark of maturity.
Friendship phase: 20 and older. Now that they have grown to make their own
decisions and are old enough to have their own family, they can be your friends. They will always be your child, and you can always exchange advice, ideas, and wisdom with them a trusted friend. But you must let them command their own ship.
Growing Kids did a good job at outlining these phases of parenting. I like to
break this down into three simpler phases. These age groupings are subjective, they depend on each child's maturity, this is not a hard and fast rule.
Parental authority phase: 1 – 6 or 7. In this phase you are the parent, you are in
charge. This does not mean you are a tyrant. But you have been working for years, you pay bills, you understand the hardships of life, you’ve been through some hard knocks.
You should be the one at the helm of the family ship. You have earned this position. Not that you are a dictator over your children; but, your job is to guide and protect them from things they don’t understand. You have to be the one in charge during this phase in order to protect them and train them for what they will deal with later in life.
Coaching phase: 8 – 16 or 17. During this phase you want to start training your
children to have the ability to begin thinking through situations for themselves. You want to coach them or guide them through decisions that they make or difficulties that they face. Someday you’re not going to be there to make decisions for them. Help them make successful decisions now while you are still around. Let them make a decision and then discuss the outcome. You want them to know how to turn to God for answers. You want them to know that God is their father and that their faith in Him is genuine. It's not built on your convictions, it's built on their own convictions.
Friendship phase: 18 and up. Now that your children are making their own
decision, they are getting ready to strike out on their own. They don’t want somebody telling them what to do. They want someone who is cheering for them. An advocate, not a commander. Because your relationship is secure, you can have divergent opinions and still remain friends. In this phase your children trust you and come to you for wisdom, not rules. You will also enjoy learning new things from them. After all, they have begun to walk in the unique calling God has placed on them. They will impart wisdom back to you.
I have seen many parents try to be friends with toddler, to treat him like a peer.
And I have seen many parents treat their 18 year old like a toddler. Here is something grievous I have seen: when you treat your toddler like a peer, you will raise up a tyrant. When you treat your 18-year-old like a toddler you will create an enemy. I covered this same subject in week 2; but, it bears repeating. Young children often rebel against authority because they want their own way. Selfishness has to be lovingly trained out of them. And they need to learn that you and God are a loving authority that will lead them in the right direction. But by the time the child is in their mid-teens, or later, you can’t demand respect from them. A teenager is not usually rebelling against authority, a teenager
usually rebels against a broken relationship. This is a much harder situation to amend when dealing with a teen. If you have a broken relationship with a teen, you will have to ask their forgiveness. Forgiveness, in that you have handled these different phases incorrectly, and that you are learning to correct things as best as you can. I would suggest doing the right thing at a young age so that you don’t lose your relationship with the child as they get ready to leave home.
Practical example.
The way you interact and give instructions to your children should change over time. Consider these scenarios.
Phase 1 (parental authority). You can only play in the backyard. You can’t go
to the park unless a parent goes with you. A two year old may ask, “Why?” I would answer with another question, “Who is the Dad?” In other words, “I'm the parent and you need to obey.” This is a sufficient answer for a little child. They are not able to comprehend that child predators may be at the park. Nor do you want to delineate for their young mind all the perversions of a pedophile.
Phase 2 (coaching). Your 12-year-old wants to go down the block to play
baseball with his friends. At this age it’s fine for him to go because he understands that there are certain characters to be aware of. “You can play baseball, but I want you to stay in a group and come home as soon as you’re done.” Your son may ask, “Why.” In this phase you give reasons for your instructions. “Because there is safety in groups and dinner will be ready by then. We enjoy spending time together as a whole family.” You are still the parent, you are still in charge; but, your instructions are built upon virtues and reasons
that he can grasp and agree with.
Phase 3 (friendship). You ask your 25 year-old daughter if she is free Saturday
morning. “Why?” she asks. “Because I can’t figure out what Mom needs for Christmas and I know you have great ideas. Just let me know if it works with your schedule. It would be fun to see you if you have time. If not, let’s make it another time.” This is a request, not a demand. Your daughter is an adult, she deserves respect for her own
schedule.
Questions
What do young children typically rebel against?
What do teens typically rebel against?
Which phase of parenting should your children be in right now?
How do instructions differ from phase 1 and phase 2?
How do instructions differ from phase 2 and phase 3?