The Boys Are Online

I'm a fiiiiiiiiend, I can't help it

Not really, women scare me. Have you seen how they look? With their pretty eyes and their butts. Terrifying. Maybe that's why I want a big tiddy goth gf. Girls are already scary, may as well get one that's trying to be. Is this relatable content? Am I likeable? Tell me I'm likeable, guys. Tame my insecurities. I didn't sleep much last night so I feel like this one's going off the rails a bit. Enjoy the show

We really don't, but we pretend we do. Because even though they pretend to hate it, what women really want is a man who talks loudly about what women want. They say they want you to listen to them, but really they want you to be obtuse and ignore their perspective.

I know this to be the case because I understand women

My sister sends me 100 instagram reels a day, but the quality is very hit and miss. I'll be taking a shit, going through my dms, and the first one will be a video of a leopard brutally mauling a baby gazelle, and I'm like nice, this is a good shit rn. But then the next one will be Paul Rudd singing about his tiny beanie with Jimmy Fallon, and then I'm like "okay if you ever send me anything that gay ever again, I swear to god I will molest your kids" I mean know your audience, jesus christ. 

And then she'll follow that up with a Matt Walsh video, I'm not trying to have a politics infused shit, keep that nonsense on twitter.

Why am I telling you this? Idk, I just wish she'd do a better job that's all

He was the most charming meth-head of all time if you think about it. The man was downright dreamy. Must've been, to get all those Germans to be so passionate. I mean have you met a German? They're not very emotional people, but he got them pumped up. 

I'm not saying he was a good dude, but he was the best dude he could be. At least according to my cohost

Listen, we just like to think about things okay? FBI? We swear. It's just interesting to think about like how stuff works. Also I'm an optimizer. That's what I like to do. Give me a problem I optimize it. God, I'm gonna get raided aren't I. Guess it's a good thing I don't have a dog

At the end of the day that's what it's all about, init? At the end of the day, whether you're left or right, we can all agree that we wanna see Pelosi's left and right. And I think that's beautiful in its own way

This week I test the limits of how far I can stray from the mic and still have you people listen. Straight up hard scoping that bitch. Throwing on the 11x magnification, clicking in the thumbstick to slow my breathing waiting for the perfect moment, and then squeezing that trigger like I'm Chris Kyle. 

Me and my mic are going 1v1 on Rust, and I intend to win

Ooh girl I'd like to chromo-bone you, gat damn. 

Listen, they can't all be winners. And who cares, the line doesn't need to be any good if the girl is literally retarded. 

It doesn't need to any good because I would never use it. I would never hit on a girl with down syndrome. My self esteem already can't handle all the rejection from normal women. Uhh enjoy the podcast I guess. This was a weird description wasn't it

I should write marketing materials for GoW. Or be the reviewer at IGN who they pay to call it amazing. I mean c'mon, "Good of War"? How clever is that? You'd buy the game based on my fraudulent review wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU? Whatever, watch the show