You've tried thinking more positively. Maybe you've journalled, reframed, done the affirmations. And it works — for about twenty minutes. Then the same thoughts come back, and you're back where you started, wondering why mindset work never quite sticks for you.

It's not because you're too negative. It's because you've been trying to change your thoughts by thinking different thoughts. And that's not how the brain works.

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT

This episode starts with a page from my own journal — written on a morning in the BC Highlands, overlooking Garibaldi, breathwork done, coffee in hand. I noticed something about my thoughts that morning: how quickly they moved through, how rarely they stuck to anything negative, how consistently they leaned toward trust and possibility. And I wrote about why I think that is — not luck, not personality, but something neurological.

That something is the RAS: the Reticular Activating System. A small cluster of neurons at your brainstem that acts as your brain's filter — deciding, at a speed far below conscious awareness, what you notice out of the eleven million pieces of information your brain receives every second.

The RAS doesn't filter randomly. It filters based on what it's been trained to look for. And here's the part that changes everything: it's calibrated by your nervous system state. Which means trying to reprogram your mindset while your nervous system is stuck in threat mode is like trying to change a radio station without touching the dial.

This episode explains the science, the connection to breathwork, and includes a short guided practice you can do right now to begin shifting the filter.

IN THIS EPISODE

• What the RAS actually is — and why it explains why positive thinking alone never works
• Why your nervous system state determines what your brain looks for (and finds)
• The difference between trying to change thoughts and actually changing the filter
• A short breathwork practice that shifts your nervous system state in real time — and with it, what you're primed to notice
• What it looks like when this becomes your default, not your effort

"What you feed your brain, it looks for proof of. Both directions are equally real. The question is what you're feeding."

CONNECT AND NEXT STEP

If you want to start working with your nervous system directly, my free Vagus Nerve Mini Training is the fastest entry point: From Fight-Or-Flight To Regulation

Ready to go deeper? The Calm and Resilient course walks you through the full Regulate and Restore Framework: theexhalecollective.co/calm-and-resilient

Keywords: reticular activating system mindset, RAS brain filter, nervous system and mindset, how to change negative thoughts, breathwork for mindset, subconscious reprogramming, positive thinking neuroscience, nervous system regulation women, vagus nerve breathwork, high functioning women burnout, chronic stress mindset, self-awareness nervous system

EPISODE QUOTE

EARTH TO GRANDMA!!!! HELLOO!! OFC I WANT TO BUY FURNITURE!

IN THIS EPISODE

Everyone keeps asking what the plan is.

The honest answer is: there isn't one. We just moved to Seattle — temporarily, we think. Joel's second surgery might be March, might be later. I'm applying for a work permit. We don't know where we'll be in two weeks with any certainty.

And I am sleeping well. I am not burnt out. I am not snapping at my husband. I am not lying awake at 3am building to-do lists for a future I cannot control.

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT

This is a Beyond the Business episode — which means no framework, no structure, no science slides. Just me, being honest, talking about what nervous system regulation actually looks like when life is genuinely uncertain.

Joel and I have moved more times in the last two years than I can comfortably count. Every month or so, a new place. A new gym, a new studio, a new coffee shop to find, a new community to either build or borrow for a while. We are waiting on a surgery date. We are navigating a work permit process that has its own timeline. We do not know what comes next in any concrete sense.

By every conventional measure, this should be exhausting.

And here is what I actually notice: my body is the fittest it has ever been. I am sleeping deeply. I am a better partner under pressure than I have ever been. I am not anxious, not depleted, not running on fumes.

Not because life got easier. Because my baseline is higher than it used to be.

This episode is about what that actually means — what the work looks like in a life that does not cooperate, why meditation and breathwork are not supposed to be enjoyable and why you should do them anyway, and what regulation genuinely produces when the circumstances are genuinely hard.

• Why uncertainty is physiologically dysregulating — and why that is not the same as being undone by it
• What my actual regulation practice looks like right now: the real version, not the beautiful-mat version
• Why meditation and breathwork are not supposed to feel good in the moment — and why that is the whole point
• The one sentence about consistency that changes how you think about routine and disruption
• What regulation looks like inside a relationship when both people are under pressure
• Why my body is the fittest it has ever been despite having no fixed gym, no fixed city, and no fixed anything
• The difference between a life without difficulty and a nervous system that can move through difficulty without being consumed by it
• What I know, with certainty, even when everything else is uncertain

"Consistency is not the same as sameness. Consistency is showing up for the same things in different conditions."

If this episode landed — if something in it described where you are right now, or where you want to be — there are two ways to go deeper.

The September Cohort — Two Time Zones

I am opening two small group cohorts in September. One in Sweden. One online for women in the US, Canada, and Australia. Both are intimate, structured, and by application.

This is not a large course. It is a small group of women working through the Regulate and Restore Framework together — with direct support, accountability, and me — over several weeks.

If you are ready to build a baseline that holds when life does not cooperate:

Apply here:

Sweden cohort:

https://lovisaengstrand.typeform.com/to/K82zeeFC

US/CAD/Aus cohort:

https://lovisaengstrand.typeform.com/to/vwCXMyO2

Learn more about the cohort: https://www.theexhalecollective.co/calm-resilient-cohort-september

THIS IS THE WORK

Calm and Resilient — The Full Programme

If the cohort timing doesn't work, the complete five-pillar framework is available at your own pace.

Enroll here: https://www.theexhalecollective.co/calm-and-resilient

Website: https://www.theexhalecollective.co

CONNECT

Instagram: @lovisaaengstrandJoel's Instagram: @joelsurethra

This episode is about why. Not as a theory. As a life being lived, right now, with no plan.

Most people think breath holding is for free divers and extreme athletes.

This six-minute practice is the opposite of that. It is quiet, accessible, and one of the most underused stress regulation tools available — because it trains the exact same neural pathway you need when anxiety arrives in real life.

Do not listen to this one on the go. Find a seat or lie down. This one requires your full presence

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT

Your urge to breathe is not triggered by running low on oxygen. It is triggered by rising carbon dioxide. And training your ability to sit calmly with that rising CO2 — without reacting, without panicking, without making it stop — trains the same nervous system pathway as staying regulated under pressure, in a difficult conversation, or when anxiety arrives without warning.

This episode is a short science intro followed by a full six-minute guided empty hold practice. The holds build gradually from three seconds to ten, then return back down. By the end, something will have shifted — your breath will be quieter, and your nervous system will have practiced, in a real and measurable way, staying calm under pressure.

IN THIS EPISODE

• Why the urge to breathe is a CO2 signal, not an oxygen signal — and why that changes how you interpret discomfort
• The Bohr effect: how CO2 actually helps your body deliver oxygen to where it needs to go
• Why CO2 tolerance and stress tolerance are trained through exactly the same mechanism
• A fully guided six-minute empty hold practice: building from a 3-count to a 10-count peak and returning back down
• When and how to use this practice in daily life — before hard conversations, presentations, or as a morning reset







EPISODE QUOTE

"Every time you sit with the urge to breathe and choose not to react, you are training the exact same neural pathway you need when anxiety arrives. The discomfort is the practice."




APPLY FOR THE SEPTEMBER COHORT

In September I am opening two small group cohorts — intimate, structured, and built to go deeper than any solo course can.

One in Sweden. One online for women in the US, Canada, and Australia.

Both run by application. Limited spots in each.

If you have been circling this work for a while and you are ready to do it properly — with a framework, with support, with other women alongside you — this is the next step.

Apply here: https://lovisaengstrand.typeform.com/to/K82zeeFC

Learn more about the September cohort: https://www.theexhalecollective.co/calm-resilient-cohort-september




CONNECT

Instagram: @lovisaaengstrandWebsite: https://www.theexhalecollective.co




KEYWORDS

breath hold practice, CO2 tolerance nervous system, empty hold breathwork, stress resilience breathing, nervous system regulation guided practice, breathwork for anxiety, Bohr effect breathing explained, calm under pressure technique, guided breathwork podcast, Lovisa Engstrand breathwork, The Breathing Room, exhale collective, September cohort nervous system, small group nervous system coaching, nervous system programme Sweden, online nervous system group

My husband Joel got diagnosed with sleep apnea. He had a solution, technically, to the thing that was interrupting his breathing at night.

He still woke up at 3am. He still had almost no deep sleep on his tracker. He still moved through his days with the low-grade heaviness of someone who has not truly rested in years.

Because the apnea was just one part of a bigger problem.

This episode is about what was underneath it — and what finally changed everything.

This is Episode 3 of the Regulate and Restore series, and this week the focus is sleep — specifically, why everything you have tried at bedtime has probably not moved the needle, and what actually does.

The central idea is this: your evening routine starts in the morning. The quality of your sleep tonight is not determined by what you do in the last thirty minutes before bed. It is determined by your cortisol profile across the entire day — and that profile is shaped by every regulation moment you did or did not build in from the moment you woke up.

Joel is back this week sharing his own story — the multiple wake-ups, the light sleep data, what he thought was the problem, and the specific practices that finally shifted things. His sleep now looks unrecognisable compared to two years ago. His days do too.

I also walk through the full framework: morning light and cortisol rhythm, daytime downregulation, exercise timing, the evening wind-down as a genuine state transition, the 4:6 breath to do in bed tonight, and the sleep environment factors that actually matter.

• Why sleep apnea treatment helped one thing and could not touch the deeper issue — and what the deeper issue actually was
• The cortisol awakening response: what it is, why it matters, and how to support it from the moment you wake up
• Why high-intensity evening exercise delays the cortisol decline your body needs to access deep sleep
• Four daytime regulation moments that shift your nervous system baseline before you even get to bedtime
• The evening wind-down as a state transition, not a time block — and why you need ninety minutes, not thirty
• The 4:6 breathing practice to use in bed tonight, and exactly why it works at the physiological level
• Sleep environment: the three things that actually matter and the one that most people resist
• Joel in his own words: what his sleep data looked like before, what changed, and what a good night's sleep has done to his days
• Why "I've never been a good sleeper" is a nervous system symptom, not a personality trait

"Your evening routine starts in the morning. The day you actually believe that is the day your sleep starts to change."

If you want to start the downregulation work today — before you are ready for a full programme — the Vagus Nerve Mini Training is the fastest entry point. It walks you through the science and gives you practices you can use immediately.

Download free here: https://www.theexhalecollective.co/from-fight-or-flight-to-regulation-a-free-vagus-nerve-mini-training

Calm and Resilient — the full five-pillar Regulate and Restore programme, including sleep protocols, breathwork, stress regulation, movement, and nutrition. 15 modules. Lifetime access.

Enroll here: https://www.theexhalecollective.co/calm-and-resilient

1:1 Coaching — personalised support built around your specific pattern. Book a free discovery call at the link in bio.

Instagram: @lovisaaengstrandJoel's Instagram: @joelsurethra

KEYWORDS

sleep and nervous system, why can't I sleep even when tired, sleep apnea nervous system, 3am waking cortisol, deep sleep how to improve, cortisol and sleep quality, evening wind down routine, morning routine better sleep, 4:6 breathing for sleep, sleep environment tips, nervous system sleep optimization, regulate and restore series, Lovisa Engstrand podcast, The Breathing Room, exhale collective, Joel urethroplasty recovery, calm and resilient course, vagus nerve sleep

This week's episode is a little different.

This is not one to listen to on your commute or while folding laundry. This one requires you to lie down, close your eyes, and give yourself 15 minutes of uninterrupted time.

What you get at the end of it is a nervous system that has genuinely shifted. Not because I told you it would. You will feel it.

This is one of my in-person yoga nidra + breathwork classes, brought directly into the podcast — the same session I guide live, now available whenever you need it.

By the end, something will have shifted. Your breath will be different. Your shoulders will be lower. The volume in your head will have turned down at least a notch.

This is the work. Not the talking about it — the doing of it.

This episode is approximately 15 minutes long. Find somewhere you can lie down comfortably — a mat, your bed, your sofa. You do not need anything except yourself and a quiet space.

The nervous system responds to repetition. One session shifts something — consistent practice changes your baseline.

Even five minutes daily — a longer exhale, breathing low into your belly instead of high into your chest — is enough to keep training the pattern between full sessions.

Calm and Resilient — the full five-pillar programme including breathwork, sleep, stress, movement, and nutrition:https://lovisaengstrand.podia.com/calm-and-resilient

1:1 Coaching:https://www.theexhalecollective.co

Instagram: @lovisaaengstrand

guided breathwork podcast, nervous system breathwork practice, conscious connected breathwork, vagus nerve breathing, diaphragmatic breathing, breathwork for stress relief, parasympathetic nervous system activation, box breathing guided, 4:6 breathing technique, body scan meditation, breathwork class online, nervous system regulation audio,

Why Running Five Days a Week and Never Lifting Made Everything Worse

My husband Joel had a very firm belief that if he trained his legs in the gym, his running would suffer.

He also had tight hips, unhappy knees, and a body swimming in cortisol — because he was using high-intensity cardio as his primary stress management tool, on top of one of the most demanding periods of his life.

The running was not relieving his stress. It was adding to it.

If you are doing high-intensity exercise five times a week, exhausted, not sleeping, not changing, and wondering why — this episode is the answer you have been looking for.

This is Episode 2 of the Regulate and Restore series. This week: movement — specifically, why what you do matters enormously, but so does how you do it, how often, and whether your current approach is building you up or quietly tearing you down.

Joel's story is one I see constantly in the women I work with. Not as a runner necessarily, but as a high-intensity exerciser who is already depleted, using cardio to cope, and getting more exhausted rather than more resilient from doing it.

I explain the cortisol piece — why your body does not distinguish between emotional stress and physical stress, and why high-intensity training on an already stressed system adds load rather than releasing it. I walk through what strength training actually does for your body, your metabolism, your sleep, and your longevity. And I explain how a structured programme — as opposed to habitual, unplanned movement — creates the conditions for actual adaptation rather than chronic depletion.

Joel shares what changed when he finally started lifting legs properly: his running times, his sleep, his recovery, and his confidence.

• Why high-intensity exercise on a chronically stressed nervous system compounds the problem rather than solving it — and what to do instead
• The cortisol mechanism: why your body treats a Barry's class and a difficult email as the same signal
• Strength training as the single highest-evidence longevity tool — and why runners (and everyone else) need it
• What foot strength, hip stability, strong quads, hamstrings, glutes and core actually do for your running, your joints, and your independence later in life
• Zone 2 cardio: what it is, why it lowers cortisol over time rather than raising it, and how to know if you are in it
• The muscle and metabolism connection: why building muscle raises your resting metabolic rate and changes what food does in your body
• Joel in his own words: the resistance, the first leg session, what he noticed first, and what he would tell anyone who thinks cardio is enough

"Your body does not distinguish between types of stress. A high-intensity workout and a difficult week at work are the same signal to your nervous system. And a body with no room left cannot build from more load — it can only break down faster."

Calm and Resilient — the full five-pillar Regulate and Restore programme, covering movement, sleep, stress, nutrition, and connection with a complete framework behind each one.Enroll: https://www.theexhalecollective.co/calm-and-resilient

1:1 Coaching — a personalised movement and nervous system plan built around where you actually are, not where you think you should be.

Book a free discovery call: https://calendly.com/hello-theexhalecollective/free-discovery-call

Instagram: @lovisaaengstrandJoel's Instagram: @joelsurethra

strength training women nervous system, why cardio isn't enough, cortisol and high intensity exercise, zone 2 cardio explained, running and strength training, weight training longevity women, muscle metabolism connection, structured training programme, nervous system and exercise stress, movement nervous system regulation, regulate and restore series, calm and resilient course, Lovisa Engstrand podcast, The Breathing Room, exhale collective, overtraining cortisol women, strength training confidence

You Cannot Nourish a Body You Don't Understand

My husband Joel, before we started working on his health together, genuinely believed he ate well.

He was eating salads. Drinking protein shakes. Avoiding fried food. By every conventional standard, he was doing the right things.

He also had almost no protein in his diet, was getting his microbiome-critical legumes from exactly nowhere, and was drinking oat milk daily without knowing what the processing actually does to blood sugar. He made Philly cheesesteak at home and classified it as healthy because he cooked it himself.

Joel is not unusual. He is extraordinarily common. And this episode is for everyone who has been eating what they think is well — and wondering why nothing is actually changing.

This is Episode 1 of the Regulate and Restore series — five episodes, one for each pillar of the framework I use with every client I work with: nutrition, movement, sleep, stress regulation, and connection.

Each episode features my husband Joel, who is in many ways my greatest testimonial — not because I fixed him, but because I had a front-row seat to what happens when someone rebuilds each of these pillars from scratch.

In this episode we cover food literacy — the skill nobody teaches you but that changes everything once you have it. What protein actually does and why almost everyone is eating less than they need. How to read a label properly. The difference between whole foods and processed ones — including the ones that look healthy but aren't. And why plant diversity for your gut microbiome is one of the highest-leverage changes most people are not making.

Joel shares his own story in his own words — what he thought he was doing right, the moment things clicked, and what he would tell anyone who is where he was.

• Why believing you eat well and actually understanding what your body needs are two very different things
• Protein: how much you actually need, why whole food sources outperform supplements, and what happens when you have been chronically under-eating it
• Label reading as a genuine skill: what natural flavours actually means, why serving sizes are designed to mislead, and how to read the back not the front
• Whole foods vs processed: why oat milk is not what its marketing implies, and why homemade does not automatically mean nutritious
• Plant diversity and the gut microbiome: why thirty different plant foods a week is the target, and how to get there without overhauling everything at once
• Joel in his own words: what he thought, what changed, what he would tell someone starting from where he was

"Food literacy is not a diet. It is a skill. And once you have it, you cannot unknow it — and you will not want to."

Three free nutrition lessons on eating specifically for your nervous system — what to eat, when, and why it changes everything downstream.

Download free here: https://www.theexhalecollective.co/feed-your-calm-3-free-nutrition-lessons-on-eating

All free resources: https://www.theexhalecollective.co/free-downloads

Calm and Resilient — the full five-pillar Regulate and Restore programme, 15 modules, lifetime access.Enroll: https://www.theexhalecollective.co/calm-and-resilient

1:1 Coaching — personalised support built around your specific pattern.Book a free discovery call: https://calendly.com/hello-theexhalecollective/free-discovery-call

Instagram: @lovisaaengstrand

nutrition for nervous system women, how much protein do I need, food literacy explained, whole foods vs processed, gut microbiome plant diversity, oat milk blood sugar, how to read a food label, nutrition and nervous system regulation, Feed Your Calm free course, regulate and restore framework, Lovisa Engstrand podcast, The Breathing Room series, exhale collective, nervous system nutrition coaching, protein for recovery women

You are tired in a way that makes you fantasise about a week in bed. And then you actually lie down and your mind will not stop.

You cannot nap even when you are desperate for one. You either lie awake for an hour waiting for sleep to arrive, or you fall asleep and wake at 3am — wide awake, heart slightly elevated, mind already running — before your alarm has even considered going off.

This is not a discipline problem. It is not a sleep hygiene problem. It is a nervous system that does not believe it is safe enough to fully let go. And no amount of magnesium or a better bedtime routine will touch it until you understand what is actually driving it.

In this episode I explain the real mechanism — why a sympathetically activated nervous system physically cannot access deep, restorative sleep, what the 3am cortisol curve is telling you about your stress load during the day, and why sleep is simultaneously the most powerful nervous system regulator you have and the first thing to go when your system is dysregulated.

Then I give you four specific, practical tools that address the actual root.

In this episode:— The nervous system state your body needs to access deep sleep — and why chronic stress blocks it— What the 3am waking is really telling you (it has nothing to do with your bedroom)— The extended exhale breathing practice to use in bed tonight— Why your wind-down routine needs to start 30 minutes earlier than you think— Why small and consistent always wins over ambitious and unsustainable

"Your inability to sleep, even when you are exhausted, is not a personal failing. It is your nervous system staying on watch — because at some point, staying on watch felt necessary."

Not sure which nervous system pattern is driving your sleep symptoms?Take the free 2-minute Nervous System Archetype Quiz:

Calm and Resilient — the full framework including sleep protocols: lovisaengstrand.podia.com/calm-and-resilient

1:1 coaching: theexhalecollective.co

Instagram: @lovisaaengstrand

Keywords: exhausted but can't sleep, sleep and nervous system, 3am waking cortisol, why can't I sleep even when tired, nervous system dysregulation sleep, insomnia chronic stress, deep sleep nervous system, sympathetic nervous system insomnia, nervous system archetype quiz, sleep regulation women

There is a pill that improves your muscle mass, regulates your blood sugar, protects your independence into your eighties, and lowers your risk of nearly every major chronic disease.

It is called resistance training. And most of us are not taking it consistently.

This episode is about longevity — not the expensive, complicated, biohacking version. The actual, evidence-based version. The one that comes down to seven things that are deeply unglamorous, well-researched, and far more effective than anything in your supplement stack.

I walk through all seven — sleep, strength training, social connection, nutrition, environment, stress regulation, and measurement — and explain the piece that most longevity conversations miss entirely: none of these seven things work properly on a dysregulated nervous system. Regulation is not one item on the list. It is the foundation that makes every other item on the list actually achievable.

In this episode:— Why only 7% of Americans are metabolically healthy and what muscle mass has to do with it— Why chronic loneliness is as dangerous as smoking a pack a day— Why high-intensity training on a depleted system is adding load, not building resilience— Why 80% of doctor visits are stress-related and what to actually do about it— What to track so you know whether any of this is actually working

"Regulation is not one item on the list. It is the thing that makes every other item on the list actually accessible."

Ready to build the foundation?Calm and Resilient — my 15-module nervous system programme — covers every pillar in this episode with a full framework behind it. Enroll at lovisaengstrand.podia.com/calm-and-resilient

1:1 coaching enquiries and discovery calls: theexhalecollective.co

Instagram: @lovisaaengstrand

Keywords: longevity basics women, how to live longer evidence based, nervous system and longevity, strength training women, stress and health, metabolic health, social connection health, sleep and longevity, nervous system regulation, calm and resilient course

It is a Tuesday morning. I am crouched over my husband's crotch, reading glasses on, my mother-in-law leaning over my shoulder for a better look. I am sniffing his surgical wound to check for infection. She is comparing today's photographs to yesterday's with the focused attention of someone at a wine tasting.

I am 31. This is my first year of marriage.

This episode is everything that year was — and everything it taught me about what a relationship is actually made of when you strip away everything most people assume it requires.

Less than a year after our wedding, my husband Joel had a urethroplasty — a complex, multi-stage reconstructive surgery on his urethra that he had been facing his entire adult life. What followed was twelve months of suprapubic catheters, urine bags, a camera roll that would deeply confuse anyone who borrowed my phone, medical terminology I never asked to learn, and zero sex in the traditional sense.

It was also the year our marriage became unshakeable.

In this episode I tell you the full story — the decade Joel and I spent not being together before we figured out the obvious, the ayahuasca vision I had at 22 that I completely misread, the thirty-five pages I wrote about the partner I wanted without realising I was describing him, and what California in 2023 finally forced us to admit.

I also share what a year like this actually teaches you. About what relationships run on when chemistry is off the table. About what teamwork looks like when it is ninety-ten and not fifty-fifty. About why judging your relationship on the easy seasons is the single most useless metric available. And about why the nervous system foundation you build before the hard seasons arrive is what determines whether you make it through them together.

This is the most personal episode I have made. It is also, I think, the most useful.

• The full story of our first year — the surgery, the catheter, the camera roll, the mother-in-law wine tasting situation, and the flip-flow drainage valve I now recommend without hesitation
• The decade before we got together — the Tinder height lie, the ayahuasca vision, the thirty-five pages, the car park phone call, California 2023
• Why every study on relationship deterioration is measuring the wrong variable — and what connection without sex actually requires
• Four things a genuinely hard first year teaches you that an easy one never could
• Why real teamwork is not fifty-fifty — and what the willingness to carry ninety actually looks like in practice
• The nightly practice that replaced physical intimacy as our primary connection ritual — and why it has been more valuable than we expected
• The nervous system piece: why the foundation you build before the hard season is what carries you through it
• What co-regulation in a long-term relationship actually looks like — and why a regulated nervous system is the most durable thing two people can build together
• Why who you choose to share your life with contributes to roughly ninety percent of your happiness

"Remove the vehicle and you find out very quickly whether the connection was ever really there — or whether it was two people having a good time and calling it love."

If this episode landed — whether you are in a relationship being tested right now, navigating a season that is asking more of you than you planned for, or you simply want to build the kind of regulated nervous system that holds when life gets genuinely hard:

1:1 Coaching — personalised, structured support built entirely around your specific nervous system pattern. I work with a small number of women each month.

Book a free discovery call here

Website: https://www.theexhalecollective.coInstagram: @lovisaaengstrand

Keywords

first year of marriage honest, marriage without sex, urethroplasty partner support, chronic illness relationship, nervous system and relationships, co-regulation couples, connection without physical intimacy, what makes a marriage