Sign up to save your podcasts
Or
Share The Dark Month: Keeping My Mind in Line
Share to email
Share to Facebook
Share to X
Share to email
Share to Facebook
Share to X
Or
The Dark Month: Keeping My Mind in Line
*Trigger Warning* This post is about mental health and suicide.
Even if I don’t actively think about what happened this month, the reminder slowly creeps up.
Thriving at work.
Checking things off the list.
Making big strides in debt management.
I feel like I’m doing great and moving along in life the way you’re supposed to.
Then, I start to slowly feel my energy depleting. Thoughts start running faster. My heart beating louder and sleep gets shorter.
Oh, it’s November.
I’m not marking the day, but my body has kept the score. It’s around the time I decided to give up. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I used to hold onto the thought that God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers, but I can’t march on that beat anymore.
Why can’t you endure hardness like a good soldier…. why can’t you endure hardness like a GOOD soldier… WHY CAN’T YOU ENDURE HARDNESS LIKE A GOOD SOLDIER…why are you no good.
The war cry never stops ringing and
I wonder will the fighting ever end.
My heart mis-takes the surviving as thriving and my brain says
“what if…we
stop here”
I remind myself remembering isn’t the same as returning, however, sometimes my mind remembers too vividly the pain that drove me to check-out that day.
Target Red
by: Cheyenne Ariel Páez
I always struggle with leaving the line for self-checkout.
It will be faster,
I won’t waste any more time.
I think about all the things I could have done while standing here.
Imagining myself getting home beating the estimated GPS time.
Cleaning up items I left behind while rushing through my days.
Wash the clothes piled high in my laundry basket,
Maybe I’ll finally see the bedroom floor.
I want to switch lines and go to self-checkout.
Maybe the pain of standing still would ease,
Only if I just moved my feet.
I paced through every aisle
searching for something
to make this money earned
feel worth it.
always wishing
I could stop working,
just play.
Tempted
to slide recklessly
down the slip-n-slide,
yet I hold back, afraid.
I will always think about the self-checkout line,
but I’ll just stay here.
I’ll stand.
I’ll wait,
until it’s actually my time.
Get full access to The Speaker's Circle at www.speak.community/subscribe
Pulling Out The Light
Thanks to the community around me, I survived that day and I chose to keep going everyday after.
The truth of the matter, something did die that day and it was the part of myself who suffered in silence. There were so many wounds that I was hiding. Letting them get infected with the belief system that I was not worthy, my story is shameful/disgrace and this is what I deserved.
I wish I could hug the little girl in me that decided to smile through the abuse and decided silence was better than using my voice. Who then continued to use a smile to cope and push down the pain.
I’m going to dig it all out for you.
The body remembers pain, but it also remembers how to survive it.
If there’s a month that feels heavy for you, know that you don’t have to outpace it.
You don’t have to fake it.
You can breathe through it. You can rest in it.
You can whisper thank You even if your voice shakes.
Prayer For The Racing Mind
Father God,
Your child is here.
Raising up the battles no one else can see.
the quiet wars within our thoughts,
the noise that doesn’t always have a name.
When my mind races, remind me of Philippians 4:7.
that Your peace surpasses understanding,
guarding my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
When my thoughts spiral toward fear,
let 2 Timothy 1:7 become my anchor:
You have not given me a spirit of fear,
but of power, love, and a sound mind.
When I feel trapped in the same pattern,
breathe Romans 12:2 over me:
Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
When I forget that I am held,
whisper Isaiah 26:3 —
You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are stayed on You.
And when the memories return too vividly,
help me to rest in Psalm 34:18:
You are near to the brokenhearted
and save those who are crushed in spirit.
Lord, teach my mind to rest where my body cannot.
Teach my thoughts to bow before Your truth.
May every wandering idea find its way back to You.
The still point,
the gentle light,
the sound mind
You promised.
Amen.
Get full access to The Speaker's Circle at www.speak.community/subscribe
View all episodes
By Ariel Speaks*Trigger Warning* This post is about mental health and suicide.
Even if I don’t actively think about what happened this month, the reminder slowly creeps up.
Thriving at work.
Checking things off the list.
Making big strides in debt management.
I feel like I’m doing great and moving along in life the way you’re supposed to.
Then, I start to slowly feel my energy depleting. Thoughts start running faster. My heart beating louder and sleep gets shorter.
Oh, it’s November.
I’m not marking the day, but my body has kept the score. It’s around the time I decided to give up. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I used to hold onto the thought that God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers, but I can’t march on that beat anymore.
Why can’t you endure hardness like a good soldier…. why can’t you endure hardness like a GOOD soldier… WHY CAN’T YOU ENDURE HARDNESS LIKE A GOOD SOLDIER…why are you no good.
The war cry never stops ringing and
I wonder will the fighting ever end.
My heart mis-takes the surviving as thriving and my brain says
“what if…we
stop here”
I remind myself remembering isn’t the same as returning, however, sometimes my mind remembers too vividly the pain that drove me to check-out that day.
Target Red
by: Cheyenne Ariel Páez
I always struggle with leaving the line for self-checkout.
It will be faster,
I won’t waste any more time.
I think about all the things I could have done while standing here.
Imagining myself getting home beating the estimated GPS time.
Cleaning up items I left behind while rushing through my days.
Wash the clothes piled high in my laundry basket,
Maybe I’ll finally see the bedroom floor.
I want to switch lines and go to self-checkout.
Maybe the pain of standing still would ease,
Only if I just moved my feet.
I paced through every aisle
searching for something
to make this money earned
feel worth it.
always wishing
I could stop working,
just play.
Tempted
to slide recklessly
down the slip-n-slide,
yet I hold back, afraid.
I will always think about the self-checkout line,
but I’ll just stay here.
I’ll stand.
I’ll wait,
until it’s actually my time.
Get full access to The Speaker's Circle at www.speak.community/subscribe
Pulling Out The Light
Thanks to the community around me, I survived that day and I chose to keep going everyday after.
The truth of the matter, something did die that day and it was the part of myself who suffered in silence. There were so many wounds that I was hiding. Letting them get infected with the belief system that I was not worthy, my story is shameful/disgrace and this is what I deserved.
I wish I could hug the little girl in me that decided to smile through the abuse and decided silence was better than using my voice. Who then continued to use a smile to cope and push down the pain.
I’m going to dig it all out for you.
The body remembers pain, but it also remembers how to survive it.
If there’s a month that feels heavy for you, know that you don’t have to outpace it.
You don’t have to fake it.
You can breathe through it. You can rest in it.
You can whisper thank You even if your voice shakes.
Prayer For The Racing Mind
Father God,
Your child is here.
Raising up the battles no one else can see.
the quiet wars within our thoughts,
the noise that doesn’t always have a name.
When my mind races, remind me of Philippians 4:7.
that Your peace surpasses understanding,
guarding my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
When my thoughts spiral toward fear,
let 2 Timothy 1:7 become my anchor:
You have not given me a spirit of fear,
but of power, love, and a sound mind.
When I feel trapped in the same pattern,
breathe Romans 12:2 over me:
Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
When I forget that I am held,
whisper Isaiah 26:3 —
You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are stayed on You.
And when the memories return too vividly,
help me to rest in Psalm 34:18:
You are near to the brokenhearted
and save those who are crushed in spirit.
Lord, teach my mind to rest where my body cannot.
Teach my thoughts to bow before Your truth.
May every wandering idea find its way back to You.
The still point,
the gentle light,
the sound mind
You promised.
Amen.
Get full access to The Speaker's Circle at www.speak.community/subscribe