Is it a career or a birthday party for an eight-year-old? This week on Don’t Shxxt The Messenger, we’re deconstructing the absolute scam that is "Employee Appreciation Week." We’re calling out the corporate gaslighting where VPs—looking at you, Steve—think a polyester t-shirt and two slices of cardboard-crust pepperoni are valid substitutes for a cost-of-living adjustment. If you’ve ever had a CFO lecture you on "taking equity in the mission" while you’re staring at a branded stress ball and a shrinking paycheck, this episode is your manifesto.

I'm saying the quiet part out loud: We’re here for the currency, not the camaraderie. Stop the "mandatory fun," cancel the chili cook-off, and stop acting like a pizza box is a bonus. Your mortgage doesn't take "vibes" as a form of payment. Breadsticks aren’t bread—pay us.