We all remember being bullied at school – and sadly bullies grow up into adults.  Dealing with their aggression can be really hard – especially if they’re close to home!

When we were at school we all had bullies in our lives. They were the ones that seemed to be bigger and stronger than the rest of us and they imposed themselves on us, sometimes it was physically other times, emotionally. It doesn't matter much, bullies are bullies and bullies ruin our lives. When we grow up you’d expect the whole school yard bully thing to go away but actually bullies grow up too and they still try and lord it over people.

Research shows that people who are bullies are underachievers so sometimes we have to deal with the aggression that comes from those people and that can be tough especially if that bully is close to home. If we have to deal with them everyday, it can be really, really tough. So how do we deal with that face of aggression?

This week on A Different Perspective we're looking at the faces that people wear. I guess we do all, to some extent, wear different faces but it can become really quite a problem. The whole idea is, the way that God designed us, is that my face is supposed to mirror my heart. If I'm happy, I smile; if I'm sad, I cry; if I'm cross I get a cross look on my face, if I'm relaxed I get that relaxed look on my face and we can read each others faces and body language and what’s being said and get a sense of what’s going on inside the other person.

The problem is, when we put on a face, when we're two faced, when a person says one thing to one person and entirely another thing to another person then all of a sudden it becomes very difficult to know what’s going on inside of that person. We get a misleading map and that misleading map can cause deception, confusion, pain, anger, argument. We've got to get a correct map of what’s going on inside people and nowhere is that more true than when we're dealing with bullies, with aggressive behaviour.

Do you remember being bullied in the school yard? I do, it was awful, it would ruin my whole day. From the morning I would wake up and have this sense of dread of having to go and face these boys at school again who would bully me and belittle me and kick me in the pants, it was awful but bullying just doesn't happen there, I mean kids are vulnerable and they're cruel.

I don't know if you've read the book or seen the movie, 'Lord of the Flies' but it's a very good story and of course teens become clicky and they ostracize one other. And as adults we can experience aggression in the home or work or friends or clubs. Even with the elderly, I remember being on the board of an aged care organisation and we had to deal with bullying in those residential facilities. Bullying is something, aggression is something that affects us right through our lives.

Schools these days have anti-bullying behaviour, they have policies and guidelines and instructions and the teachers are taught about it, I was reading a report on this and one 5 year old said, "Bullying is when people force others, usually smaller people, to do what they want them to do." Pretty good definition for a 5 year old.

This aggression, this dominance, bullying it’s like a small war when you think about it, when one country tries to bully another country we call it a war. When one person tries to bully another person it’s kind of like a small war and it hurts, it’s hard, it ruins our whole lives. So when someone's aggressive towards us, you know, really goes for the jugular, what do we do? Do we hit back? I was really taken by this quote by Martin Luther King, have a look:

The ultimate weakness of violence is that it's a descending spiral begetting the very thing that it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar but you cannot murder the lie nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater but you do not murder the hate. In fact violence merely increases hate.

And so it goes:

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral destruction. The chain reaction of evil. Hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars must be broken or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

He sure knew how to string a few words together did Martin Luther King and really he was talking about what Jesus talked about. Jesus said, "Don't repay evil with evil. Love your enemy." That's tough. When we're being bullied, when we're dealing with someone who is aggressive, who's after our throats and our careers and our lives. Boy it's hard to say, "Well Jesus, that's really cool. I will love my enemy." That is tough.

Aggressive people, bullies are invariably like that because they've never really known the warmth of that light that Martin Luther King was talking about. The studies with chimpanzees who have been isolated from their mother at birth show that they become really violent and aggressive with other chimpanzees.

So often bullying behaviour is a pattern and the older a person gets, the worse it gets. It's a pattern of behaviour that reflects not having been loved, that reflects a response to not knowing unconditional love and it's a really hard pattern of behaviour to unlearn and it often takes a lot of time. Bullying needs two things. The first thing is it needs unconditional love day after day after day.

If someone is being aggressive towards me I can love them in return. Jesus talked about it, he said, "If someone hits you, turn the other cheek." Ouch. That is so counter intuitive in this day and age but I truly believe it's the only way that we can deal with aggressive behaviour in a right way, in a way that shines light into a night that is already devoid of stars, is to love a person in return, to love our enemy and yeah, that love can be tough love sometimes.

Assertiveness is the right thing. You and I were not meant to be bullied, we're not meant to be door mats. It's not what we were made for and it's okay to assert ourselves, gently and firmly. I'm sorry but I don't accept your bullying. I'm sorry but I won't accept your aggression. Aggression is emotional blackmail; aggression says, "You do what I say otherwise I'll come after you." No I won't dance to that tune anymore, no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter what it costs me - I won't.

And if we come towards someone who's being aggressive, someone who's bullying us, with a real unconditional love that says, "I don't care what you do, I'll still love you." And yet in an assertiveness that says, "I won't be blackmailed by your aggression", I think that’s the right thing to do. We can either do that or react and fight violence with violence and through violence you may murder the liar but you cannot murder the lie nor establish the truth. “You may murder the hater”, as Martin Luther King said, “but you do not murder the hate. In fact violence merely increases hate”.

We can look at this person and give them a soft answer. Proverbs, Chapter 15, Verse 1 says:

A soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.

What about it? What about these people who are aggressive towards us. They come after us and want to yell and scream and be angry, what if we adopted a tough love attitude? What if we decided I'm not going to lift anything, a finger, a word against you?

I will love you unconditionally but I won't accept your aggression. Yes, draw boundaries but I still love you. That's hard, that's a really tough gig but can I encourage you? It's what Christ calls us to. The face of aggression, so often, masks a heart of desperate pain. What if you, what if I were the ones to shine light into that heart?