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The Few, The Proud, The Throwing Their Back Out
U.S. Army Opens Gates to the Middle-Aged and Slightly Stoned
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what military historians are already calling "a decision," the United States Army has announced it will now accept recruits up to the age of 42, having apparently exhausted every other recruitment strategy, including patriotism, economic necessity, and a flyer duct-taped to a Guitar Center amplifier labeled DO NOT TOUCH.
The move signals a dramatic evolution in American warfighting doctrine: the Age of the Man Who Makes a Small Noise Every Time He Stands Up.
"We are tapping into an extraordinary pool of talent," said one Army spokesperson, with the tight, damp expression of a man describing flood damage as a "water feature."
"These individuals bring real-world experience. Logistics. Transportation. A deep, personal relationship with ibuprofen."
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By Pimm FoxU.S. Army Opens Gates to the Middle-Aged and Slightly Stoned
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what military historians are already calling "a decision," the United States Army has announced it will now accept recruits up to the age of 42, having apparently exhausted every other recruitment strategy, including patriotism, economic necessity, and a flyer duct-taped to a Guitar Center amplifier labeled DO NOT TOUCH.
The move signals a dramatic evolution in American warfighting doctrine: the Age of the Man Who Makes a Small Noise Every Time He Stands Up.
"We are tapping into an extraordinary pool of talent," said one Army spokesperson, with the tight, damp expression of a man describing flood damage as a "water feature."
"These individuals bring real-world experience. Logistics. Transportation. A deep, personal relationship with ibuprofen."