Donald Trump’s turning the White House into a golden ballroom while Tic Tacs cost more than gas, SNAP recipients are told to fast for gender politics, and Glenn Beck’s out here hoarding “America’s soul” in tornado-proof mountain vaults. Meanwhile, Gavin Newsom’s smiling like a spirit-cooking vampire, Bad Bunny’s headlining the Super Bowl in Spanish, and I’m just trying to breathe through my allergy-riddled throat in the middle of a wheat field.

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