The Healers Notebook

I had just quit my job and was sitting outside my apartment having a full spiritual debrief with myself because of course I was.

ASMR Warning * I'm munching my ass off in this voice memo so if you dont like to hear people chewing you may wanna skip this one.

Anywhosal - I’m sitting alone in Piedmont Park talking to God literally saying I’m open to signs and guidance and whatever God wants to show me. Then this traveling monk walks up to me, gives me a book, tells me there’s purpose hidden in my name, and says I should look up what it means. So ofc I do.

Cool.

I ask him his name.

Gabriel.

Meaning messenger of God.

HELLO????

This is still one of my favorite ways I feel God communicates with me too, through random people and weird little moments I could never plan. Love a whimsy life

Really hoping someone doesn't take this amazing idea - but im also pretty sure this has to be a thing already. Soooo if it is - please invite me as a community member, I would love that; thank youuuu <333

Random thought: what if instead of building your life around the car, the house, the job, the money, the whatever… you built it around how you actually want to feel every day? Because imagine getting everything you said you wanted and still being stressed and miserable. Absolutely not. I’d rather know I want peace, freedom, joy, love, and let God surprise me with what that ends up looking like.

Jackie is going 3 for 3 with the life advice, in this episode she mentions artists need to get bored in order to create great art which is an interesting perspective that I correlate with; allowing stillness is apart of the creation process.

Also somehow this deep artistic conversation ended with me planning to raid this woman’s fridge, so there’s that. We love sistahood

This woman really looked at me and basically said, “Girl why are you trying so hard to be something? You already are.”

Because why do I feel like I have to pick one version of myself and commit to her forever?? I can be a creator, a partner, a daughter, a leader, tired, inspired, confused, powerful, whatever. I do not have to audition for my own existence.

Sometimes I can literally just be here. Crazy right. Easier said than actually letting yourself embody that.

I met this angel named Jackie that was SPEAKING LIFE OKAY. Wherever you are in the world Jackie, I love you - you're the best

She reminded me that its perfectly fine to be exactly where I'm at and who I am. May sound cliche but I need to hear that sometimes; so thank you Queeen!

This is basically me speaking my whole dream life into existence like girl okayyyy love that for us. I’m talking money, love, travel, purpose, sisterhood, an 850 credit score because apparently that was VERY important to me lmao, peace, joy, rest, adventure, speaking on stages, all of it. And honestly I love hearing how specific I was because I wasn’t just asking for material things , I was asking for a life that actually felt good to live.

I’m answering reflection questions from my own book and accidentally giving myself a whole therapy session 😭 We’re talking relationships, anxious attachment, control, expectations, self-worth, emotional responsibility, childhood, and the difference between loving somebody and needing them to fill the spaces you haven’t learned how to fill for yourself.

One of the biggest realizations: my partner does not belong to me. His job isn’t to complete me or become who I want him to be. My job is to be responsible for my life, love him as himself, and let our relationship be a place where we both get to grow.

Whew. This one is a TIME CAPSULE. I’m leaving my fundraising job, moving to Atlanta with Alex, reflecting on one of the craziest years of my life, unpacking childhood wounds, anxious attachment, money, responsibility, overstimulation, self-worth, spirituality, rest, identity… literally all of it.

And underneath everything was one question I was finally getting quiet enough to ask: who the fuck am I when I stop letting everybody else tell me?

Twenty-five-year-old me was ready to stop shapeshifting, simplify my life, take responsibility for myself, and actually meet Saniah.