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The Invisible Rule Book: Making Expectations Visible at Home
Episode summary
If your house turns into a courtroom at 4:07pm (shoes, snack, homework, all the feelings), you are not alone. In this episode, Dr. Amy Patenaude breaks down the "Invisible Rule Book" at home: all the expectations living in your head that your child cannot actually see. You'll learn how to make expectations clear, doable, and way less arguable, especially for strong willed, big feeling kids and neurodivergent kids with executive function challenges.
In this episode you'll learn- Spot the invisible expectations that trigger daily power struggles after school
- Reframe "defiance" as a skills plus nervous system moment (often not "won't," but "can't yet")
- Define what "done" looks like so your child is not set up to fail (or argue)
- Use three simple scripts that reduce arguing and transition explosions: Define Done, First Then, and Choice within Structure
- Run one seven day micro routine experiment without turning your whole household into a chart system
- Choose one friction point (start with the after school routine)
- Name the invisible expectation you are holding in your head
- Turn it into a three step "Done List" (three steps, not ten)
- Put it where it happens (by the door, snack spot, or homework station)
- Use the same words for seven days, then adjust after a week (not after one rough day)
Pick one. One is enough.
Free resources- Boredom Buster Guide: Quick, low prep ideas for those "I'm bored" moments that tend to turn into chaos. Get it here.
- Big Feelings Decoder: Translate meltdowns into brain and nervous system language, plus what to try next. Get it here.
- 50 AI Prompts for Tired Parents: Copy and paste prompts to get scripts, calm responses, and next steps when your brain is fried. Get it here.
- Tiny Wins Email List: Get scripts, tiny experiments, and realistic resets for real life parenting (especially the after school danger zone). Join here.
- Teacher and parent expectations do not perfectly match, which helps explain why kids can look "defiant" when they are actually bumping into different unspoken rules across settings. (Lane et al., 2007)
- Expectations work best when adults define them clearly and then teach and practice them, instead of assuming kids will infer what we mean. (Carter & Pool, 2012)
- Routines and rules function like "structure that holds" when they are taught in small steps and practiced until they are established, reducing the need for constant correction. (Fink & Siedentop, 1989)
This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and is not medical, psychological, or legal advice. Listening to this podcast does not create a provider-client relationship. If you're concerned about your child's mental health, safety, or development, please consult a qualified professional in your area.
View all episodes
By Dr. Amy Patenaude, Ed.D., NCSPEpisode summary
If your house turns into a courtroom at 4:07pm (shoes, snack, homework, all the feelings), you are not alone. In this episode, Dr. Amy Patenaude breaks down the "Invisible Rule Book" at home: all the expectations living in your head that your child cannot actually see. You'll learn how to make expectations clear, doable, and way less arguable, especially for strong willed, big feeling kids and neurodivergent kids with executive function challenges.
In this episode you'll learn- Spot the invisible expectations that trigger daily power struggles after school
- Reframe "defiance" as a skills plus nervous system moment (often not "won't," but "can't yet")
- Define what "done" looks like so your child is not set up to fail (or argue)
- Use three simple scripts that reduce arguing and transition explosions: Define Done, First Then, and Choice within Structure
- Run one seven day micro routine experiment without turning your whole household into a chart system
- Choose one friction point (start with the after school routine)
- Name the invisible expectation you are holding in your head
- Turn it into a three step "Done List" (three steps, not ten)
- Put it where it happens (by the door, snack spot, or homework station)
- Use the same words for seven days, then adjust after a week (not after one rough day)
Pick one. One is enough.
Free resources- Boredom Buster Guide: Quick, low prep ideas for those "I'm bored" moments that tend to turn into chaos. Get it here.
- Big Feelings Decoder: Translate meltdowns into brain and nervous system language, plus what to try next. Get it here.
- 50 AI Prompts for Tired Parents: Copy and paste prompts to get scripts, calm responses, and next steps when your brain is fried. Get it here.
- Tiny Wins Email List: Get scripts, tiny experiments, and realistic resets for real life parenting (especially the after school danger zone). Join here.
- Teacher and parent expectations do not perfectly match, which helps explain why kids can look "defiant" when they are actually bumping into different unspoken rules across settings. (Lane et al., 2007)
- Expectations work best when adults define them clearly and then teach and practice them, instead of assuming kids will infer what we mean. (Carter & Pool, 2012)
- Routines and rules function like "structure that holds" when they are taught in small steps and practiced until they are established, reducing the need for constant correction. (Fink & Siedentop, 1989)
This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and is not medical, psychological, or legal advice. Listening to this podcast does not create a provider-client relationship. If you're concerned about your child's mental health, safety, or development, please consult a qualified professional in your area.