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The Issue Isn't the Issue — Overcoming Your Coping Mechanisms
I always thought the problem was the wine. Or the scrolling. The over-working. The over-functioning. I'd white-knuckle a promise to myself, last about four days, and crash right back into the thing I swore I'd quit. Then I'd hate myself for it.
None of it was ever the problem. It was the band-aid. The pain underneath — the grief, the relinquishment wound, the belief I had to earn my place — that was the issue. And you cannot willpower your way out of a wound.
This week, we're getting honest about coping mechanisms. Why each attachment style reaches for a different "drug of choice," how these loops hijack our brains, and the exact framework I use with my clients to break the cycle — without shame.
If you've ever felt broken for not being able to "just stop," this one is for you.
In this episode we cover:
- What addiction actually is, in Gabor Maté's words: "Don't ask why the addiction, ask why the pain"
- The 4-step loop that hijacks your brain — and why willpower keeps losing to it
- The three flavors of adoptee coping: Numbness, Replacement, and Rescue
- How anxious, fearful-avoidant, and dismissive-avoidant adoptees each numb out differently
- The 5-step Emotional Processing Tool to use the moment you feel the urge to escape
- A somatic toolkit for when the feeling is too big to think through
- A listener question from Hyejin, a Korean adoptee flying solo to meet her birth parents
A quote from the episode: "The behavior is not the issue. The behavior is the smoke. The pain underneath is the fire. And we've spent our whole lives trying to wave the smoke away."
The "Dear Claire" Segment
Healing happens in community when we find that empathetic witness to help us hold the weight of our stories. This space is a collective healing journey, and I want to walk this path with you. Do you have a question about a relationship trigger, a core wound, or a manifestation block?
SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE
Share your reflections, stories, or Dear Claire questions with me!
Connect with Claire:
- Subscribe: Hit that follow button so you never miss a step on the journey back to yourself.
- Rate & Review: If this episode spoke to your heart, please leave a 5-star rating and review. It acts as a lighthouse, helping other adoptees find this safe space.
- Join the Empowered Adoptee Circle: https://www.skool.com/the-empowered-adoptee-7690/about
- Work With Me: Website and Email: [email protected]
- Share This Episode: Let's continue to empower and uplift our adoptee community by sharing this episode with another adoptee and on your socials.
- Connect On Socials: FaceBook, Instagram
- Support The Show: If today’s message or somatic tool brought you a moment of peace, or if our conversation helped you feel a little more seen in your journey, I invite you to join me in an energy exchange. This podcast is a labor of love and a completely independent production. If you’d like to help keep this space ad-free and sustainable, you can send a small donation via my Venmo. Your support allows me to keep showing up as an empathetic witness...
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By Claire MagenheimerI always thought the problem was the wine. Or the scrolling. The over-working. The over-functioning. I'd white-knuckle a promise to myself, last about four days, and crash right back into the thing I swore I'd quit. Then I'd hate myself for it.
None of it was ever the problem. It was the band-aid. The pain underneath — the grief, the relinquishment wound, the belief I had to earn my place — that was the issue. And you cannot willpower your way out of a wound.
This week, we're getting honest about coping mechanisms. Why each attachment style reaches for a different "drug of choice," how these loops hijack our brains, and the exact framework I use with my clients to break the cycle — without shame.
If you've ever felt broken for not being able to "just stop," this one is for you.
In this episode we cover:
- What addiction actually is, in Gabor Maté's words: "Don't ask why the addiction, ask why the pain"
- The 4-step loop that hijacks your brain — and why willpower keeps losing to it
- The three flavors of adoptee coping: Numbness, Replacement, and Rescue
- How anxious, fearful-avoidant, and dismissive-avoidant adoptees each numb out differently
- The 5-step Emotional Processing Tool to use the moment you feel the urge to escape
- A somatic toolkit for when the feeling is too big to think through
- A listener question from Hyejin, a Korean adoptee flying solo to meet her birth parents
A quote from the episode: "The behavior is not the issue. The behavior is the smoke. The pain underneath is the fire. And we've spent our whole lives trying to wave the smoke away."
The "Dear Claire" Segment
Healing happens in community when we find that empathetic witness to help us hold the weight of our stories. This space is a collective healing journey, and I want to walk this path with you. Do you have a question about a relationship trigger, a core wound, or a manifestation block?
SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE
Share your reflections, stories, or Dear Claire questions with me!
Connect with Claire:
- Subscribe: Hit that follow button so you never miss a step on the journey back to yourself.
- Rate & Review: If this episode spoke to your heart, please leave a 5-star rating and review. It acts as a lighthouse, helping other adoptees find this safe space.
- Join the Empowered Adoptee Circle: https://www.skool.com/the-empowered-adoptee-7690/about
- Work With Me: Website and Email: [email protected]
- Share This Episode: Let's continue to empower and uplift our adoptee community by sharing this episode with another adoptee and on your socials.
- Connect On Socials: FaceBook, Instagram
- Support The Show: If today’s message or somatic tool brought you a moment of peace, or if our conversation helped you feel a little more seen in your journey, I invite you to join me in an energy exchange. This podcast is a labor of love and a completely independent production. If you’d like to help keep this space ad-free and sustainable, you can send a small donation via my Venmo. Your support allows me to keep showing up as an empathetic witness...