Now, while you eat those I’m finally going to sit down for a mi- What’s that dear? Oh, you’re out of beer? Sorry babe, I’ll get you another bottle right away.

Here you go handsome. Guess it’s thirsty work eating all that Mexican food, huh? Speaking of which, how are your enchiladas? Not enough sour cream? Okay, I’ll go get the tub. Here you go babe. Is that enough? Another scoop? Okay hun. A bigger one? … bigger? Shall I just tip the whole tub over your food? Okay, okay, I was joking!

Now, while you enjoy that I’ll just put my feet- What? Another beer? All right Here you go. I brought two this time so that I don’t have to keep going back and forth. Oh? You’re not happy about that? You want them to be fresh and cold from the fridge? Okay, you’re the boss. I’ll take this one back. Yes, I’ll fix you up some more cheesy nachos too. Can’t ever have too much cheese, right?

Phew! Here you go, hotshot. You know, with all this back and forth I think I’m burning even more calories than you’re eating, babe. No? Hmm, perhaps you’re right. Those burritos were truly enormous, packed with about a day’s worth of calories each, and you had four. Tasty though, huh?

Wow babe, you’ve sure made short work of those enchiladas. I think you’d better have a little nap before your churros. You’re breathing pretty heavily, and your t-shirt has risen up so far your belly button’s exposed. That’s usually a sign that you’re getting a bit too full.

Still hungry? Babe, be realistic, you can’t possibly be hungry after all that you’ve eaten. Look at you, you’re so stuffed and round you look like you’ve swallowed one of those giant yoga balls.

Okay, you know best, honey. Now, how many churros do you want? Six? Eight? Ten! Uh, you realise that only leaves two for little old me. Oh, I know, I know. You’re the man, you need more. Let me pour on the chocolate sauce. You might as well have all of it, seeing as I’ve hardly got any food to put mine on. Theeere we go. Bon appetit my love. Uhh, yes, of course I’ll get you another beer.

Why darling, whatever is that noise? Trouble in the tummy? Wow babe, you’re turning green! I think you’re having a little indigestion. What’s causing it? Umm, could be the burritos, I guess? Or the enchiladas. Or the churros. Or the fact that you gobbled down enough food for a family of four in one sitting. Oof, darling, you’re swelling up like a parade blimp.

Fetch you the Pepto? Hmm, I dunno, babe. You’ve had me running around all day, cooking and bringing you food. My toes have got blisters, and I’m just about all tuckered out. And you left so little of the food for me that I’ve got no energy. You’ll have to get it yourself.

What’s that? You can’t get up? Well, I’m not surprised. All you ever do is sit and stuff your face with the food I bring. It’s no wonder your belly has gotten so hugely fat that you’re stranded under it like a beached whale. You must weigh what, 400 pounds?

Don’t look at me like it’s my fault. If you’d moved around a little more rather than expecting me to cook and clean and serve you like a maid, you might’ve realised what was happening. 

All right, I’ll go and get the Pepto. But maybe this’ll teach you to be a little less greedy and lazy in future.

Oh, who am I kidding?

***

A submission

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