The Marriage Minute by Strong Marriages

The last time you and your spouse were fully engaged in a verbal disagreement, did you happen to make a comment to yourself that went something like, “This conflict is good because it’s a great opportunity for our marriage to become stronger?” Most of us (after we stopped chuckling), would answer with a resounding “I don’t think so!” In fact, many husbands and wives report they are really not good at dealing with conflict in their marriage. Most admit the majority of their arguments result in one or both regretting something they said or often times feeling saddened and separated from the other.  

There are a number of reasons why most spouses do not enjoy conflict. It could be attributed to embedded childhood experiences of parents or care-givers constantly arguing and the negative emotions associated with the memories of the turmoil. Also, many individual personality types tend to prefer more peaceful and less confrontational environments. These reasons certainly seem sensible. Yet, the majority of married couples today experience difficulties with conflict resolution mainly because of misguided perceptions regarding conflict, along with simply not being adequately equipped with the skills necessary for resolving conflict in a healthy manner. 

While meeting with a couple in my office a few months ago, the wife assertively commented to her husband that she simply wanted to experience a happy marriage like many of the couples in their small group at church. When I asked her to explain what in her mind constituted them being happy, she responded with “They must be happy because I’ve never seen them arguing with each other!” Just like so many other spouses, she had simply allowed her misguided perceptions to lead her to believe that the absence of visible conflict equated to happiness. 

We tend to find that husbands and wives who exhibit a strong, happy marriage are also quick to admit they occasionally argue. Not politely disagree, but literally argue. They go on to share the reason they don’t get deadlocked in their conflict is because they have learned effective communication skills and intentionally choose to use them when resolving their conflict.

Here are a few tips for becoming more effective at resolving conflict in your marriage:

On a scale from one to ten, with one representing the worst and ten the best, what score would you give yourself when it comes to how well you let others know you are listening when they speak? Just out of curiosity, would your spouse or others close to you agree with your response? As president of a ministry promoting and teaching how to have a strong marriage, I admit I should know the value of intentional listening. However, I also admit I consistently struggle in this area. Mainly because I am usually going Mach 10 with my pants on fire, thinking I need to get to the next thing. 

Bottom line, when this occurs I am operating from a selfish heart by making a volitional choice to not listen closely when others are speaking—even when it is the person taking my food order at the drive-through! So, what is intentional listening? Simply stated, it is exercising specific communication skills that help give the speaker greater confidence in knowing that what they have said has been accurately interpreted and understood. Since intentional listening is also often referred to as active listening, let’s look at a few specific characteristics of active listening, beginning with non-verbal indicators.

Body Language 

Your body language has a lot to do with letting others know you're listening. For example, making eye contact with the speaker lets them know you value their comments, as opposed to you looking at text messages or e-mails on your cell phone. Occasionally giving them an affirming “head nod” lets others know you’re listening. Facial expressions also say much about the listener. Looking angry or staring intensely is generally a good way to cut conversations short. Smiling at others when they are talking is basically like giving them permission to open up and lets them know you care. If you’re not angry, don’t send mixed signals.

People tend to quickly notice whether you're listening by how you stand or sit while they speak. Lounging back in a chair with your arms folded tends to more easily give others the impression that you are not engaged in the conversation. While some might argue this type of posture sends a signal of comfort, most interpersonal communication specialists will agree that sitting more upright and even leaning into the speaker is more likely to let them know you are actively listening.

Verbal Expressions  

Interjecting an infrequent “yes” can let others know you’re tracking with them. However, very few people enjoy it when the interjections come every few seconds. Summarizing is a great way of engaging in the conversation. “What I hear you say,” is a good example of summarizing. Asking clarifying questions like, “So, I understand you to say,” or “Can you give me more information?” not only lets the speaker know you’re listening, but also whether they are accurately communicating their thoughts.

Remember, active listening doesn’t mean constantly interjecting your comments by cutting others off. God tells us in Proverbs 18:13 that, “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.” So, how about now? Would you still give yourself the same score as you did previously?

Most likely, anyone who has ever attended weekly or monthly staff meetings can recall some unpleasant experience. According to a recent Harris poll, 46 percent of those polled admit they would rather do things like take a trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles, watch paint dry or even endure a root canal than sit through a boring staff meeting. Additionally, 35% of attendees consider staff meetings a waste of time.

So why do these Americans subject themselves to such agony? The answer is quite simple: because when done effectively, staff meetings are the mile markers on the road to success. Companies that consistently monitor budgets, communicate project status, identify obstacles and recognize what works well, then create future strategies for implementation all stand a much greater chance for success than those that don’t. So what happens when we apply this same concept to marriage?

Take a few moments to ask yourself the following questions:

So, how did you do? Proverbs 21:5 says, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance.” Abundance here means experiencing the abundant life, which is founded on Christ (John 10:10) and represented by order as opposed to chaos or turmoil. Maybe it’s time for you and your spouse to not just consider having staff meetings, but actually make plans to have one soon. Here are a few tips for getting started:

Even though it might be rough getting started, the key is to start. Then, be willing to persevere through the difficult times. Remember, your diligence will surely lead to abundance!

One of the ways our brains are like computers is that they encode and process new information with information already stored in memory. Just since the inception and continued use of brain imaging, have researchers been able to better understand the role of multi-tasking and its impact in our behavior. Relatively new research regarding cognitive processing confirms what many researchers have suspected for years - there truly is an upper limit to the amount of information a person can effectively process in a given unit of time. Therefore, it is important to understand that when doing multiple things simultaneously, less cognitive processing activity is allocated to each function. It only gets worse the more things we attempt to accomplish or think about at any given time.

So, let’s apply this concept to communication in marriage. For years, I took great pride in my perceived ability to both listen to my wife Lynne explain an issue she was dealing with, while at the same time solving her problem in my head. In my mind, I knew I could provide her an insightful solution long before she was able to paint an accurate picture for me. Yet, based on what we just learned about the brain, it became impossible for me to devote all my attention to what Lynne was trying to communicate the moment I began solving her problem in my mind.  

Unfortunately, the same scenario would play out during our conflicts. Only here, the moment one of Lynne’s comments solicited a negative emotion in me, I would quickly assume she had selfish intentions and offensive motivations. Therefore, once I prepared a set of defensive responses in my mind, all intended to produce character assassination, I would cut her off in mid sentence and unload. Sound familiar?

Needless to say, today things are so much better in this area. Here are a few tips on what led to change for us: 

God created each of us to thrive best in community consisting of healthy relationships with family, friends, co-workers and even those we seem to disagree with constantly. That said, most of us would say the majority of our relationships with others are positive. Yet, almost every one of us can recall relationships where we have been emotionally scarred, and just the thought of these events makes it almost impossible to do life with them in our minds. So, why is it that even though the majority of events in our life are usually positive, we seem to remember the negative experiences more quickly? Basically, because our brains seem to be wired with a “greater sensitivity” to unpleasant news and events.

When we are hurt by others in our environments, we tend to file away the negative emotions associated with those painful experiences. Therefore, whenever something happens that resembles one of these past experiences, our brains tend to react strongly by quickly retrieving our negative recollections. But, this may not always be a bad thing.

Many times, God allows pain in our life for our protection. I’m quite certain that if there was no pain in me cutting one of my fingers, it is more likely that I would be fingerless. Therefore, a brain supersensitive to negative stimuli helps to protect us from impending danger. However, this sensitivity also has a down side. The more we allow negativity to be input into our brain, the greater tendency we have to view everything through a negative lens.  

For example, let’s consider the marriage relationship. Let’s say Lynne unexplainably stops expressing gratitude for small things or uncharacteristically snaps at me multiple times in a short period. It could be because she doesn’t feel well or because she is overly stressed by work situations. The more I begin to think about how her actions are impacting me as opposed to looking for ways I can help her, before long I will start believing Lynne has no desire to meet my needs or expectations. Then, before you know it, I spend the majority of my time noticing what she’s not doing for me and refusing to serve her in ways I know she appreciates.

Read Philippians 2:3-8. Yet, as you do, think about these verses in the context of your marriage. Paul exhorts each of us that we are to look out for the interests of others more than our own, especially our spouse. Then again that we should meditate on whatever is lovely and of good report, those things that are praiseworthy and commendable. Our brains may be created with a negative sensitivity partly for our protection, but constantly identifying and focusing on the positives in our marriage will result in more positive behavior on our part. Even when the negative events keep on coming.

God created each of us to thrive best in community consisting of healthy relationships with family, friends, co-workers and even those we seem to disagree with constantly. That said, most of us would say the majority of our relationships with others are positive. Yet, almost every one of us can recall relationships where we have been emotionally scarred, and just the thought of these events makes it almost impossible to do life with them in our minds. So, why is it that even though the majority of events in our life are usually positive, we seem to remember the negative experiences more quickly? Basically, because our brains seem to be wired with a “greater sensitivity” to unpleasant news and events.

When we are hurt by others in our environments, we tend to file away the negative emotions associated with those painful experiences. Therefore, whenever something happens that resembles one of these past experiences, our brains tend to react strongly by quickly retrieving our negative recollections. But, this may not always be a bad thing.

Many times, God allows pain in our life for our protection. I’m quite certain that if there was no pain in me cutting one of my fingers, it is more likely that I would be fingerless. Therefore, a brain supersensitive to negative stimuli helps to protect us from impending danger. However, this sensitivity also has a down side. The more we allow negativity to be input into our brain, the greater tendency we have to view everything through a negative lens.  

For example, let’s consider the marriage relationship. Let’s say Lynne unexplainably stops expressing gratitude for small things or uncharacteristically snaps at me multiple times in a short period. It could be because she doesn’t feel well or because she is overly stressed by work situations. The more I begin to think about how her actions are impacting me as opposed to looking for ways I can help her, before long I will start believing Lynne has no desire to meet my needs or expectations. Then, before you know it, I spend the majority of my time noticing what she’s not doing for me and refusing to serve her in ways I know she appreciates.

Read Philippians 2:3-8. Yet, as you do, think about these verses in the context of your marriage. Paul exhorts each of us that we are to look out for the interests of others more than our own, especially our spouse. Then again that we should meditate on whatever is lovely and of good report, those things that are praiseworthy and commendable. Our brains may be created with a negative sensitivity partly for our protection, but constantly identifying and focusing on the positives in our marriage will result in more positive behavior on our part. Even when the negative events keep on coming.

The summer before my sophomore year in high school, we moved to the country, just outside our city’s limits. One reason was for me and my brother to attend a more rural high school setting, but also because both my parents were ready to get back to their roots in some small way. My dad and mom both had spent much of their childhood on a farm and one of the things they missed most about not living in the country was being able to plant vegetables. Needless to say, that summer I intimately learned how to plant and maintain a garden.

My father had a real love for onions. That first year, I remember mom rebuking him because he decided to plant 4 long rows of onions, each of them a different type or breed. Well, you know what happened next. After a couple of months, we were pulling onions out of the ground much faster than we could ever give them away. Not only did dad find a way to have those darn onions at every meal, there was always a sealed, plastic container in the refrigerator with an onion inside.

I’m sure it was only a few weeks, but it seemed like an eternity that everything in our refrigerator tasted like an onion. Every morning when I opened the refrigerator to get a drink, even the water I poured from the jug tasted like it had been filtered through a bushel of those stinking onions. The butter we put on our toast was onion flavored. Heck, we invented onion flavored bacon! We should’ve made millions!

All kidding aside, let’s think about this story and how it might apply to your marriage. Envision your marriage being a refrigerator and each thing inside represents some aspect or component of marriage. The butter might represent parenting. The cucumbers are your finances and maybe the lettuce is your conflict resolution. And just for grins, let’s say the salsa is your sex life. : ) Well . . .you get the picture. Oh, and the onion? Let’s consider for a minute that it represents what you tend to think about each of the above.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Proverbs 4:23 tells us that what we think in our heart tends to run our life. Ephesian 4:31 reminds us of just how important it is that we should put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking. The road to reconciliation and contentment is not paved with stinking thinking, but instead on the foundation of positive thoughts. The more you seal the lid on constantly thinking about everything your spouse does that stinks, the sooner everything in your marriage will stop stinking.

I spent a lot of time traveling for my job in the early years of our marriage. My wife Lynne constantly placed notes of affection or pictures in my luggage simply to remind me of how much she loved me. It was difficult being apart for many days at a time for almost 7 years. Over the years, we’ve been asked a number of times what we did to keep our marriage alive despite so many days apart. My answer is always the same, “It was the small things of affection.”

My good friend Dr. John Trent posits in his book, The 2º Difference, that it's the small things done consistently over time that make big differences and successfully turns things around. Like every other married couple, Lynne and I have struggled in some capacity in our marriage. Yet, today our marriage is stronger than ever in large part because we have been faithful to consistently give affection to each other in many small ways.

Here are a few ideas and suggestions that seem to work well for us:

Paul’s words to us in Romans 12:10 - “Be kindly affectionate to one another," when applied, help us build a stronger marriage.

Did you know that research has proven it typically takes less than one second for a person to make a judgment based solely on what they perceive in the facial expressions of the other person? If so, what does the look on your face communicate to others? If asked, would those whom you interact with consistently say you sometimes seem to be wearing a mask? 

Years ago, I discovered the Greek term for the word mask is persona. No where was this better illustrated than in Greek theatrical presentations almost 3000 years ago. Greek plays often drew very large crowds in open-air theaters. In order for those furthest away from the stage to successfully follow the story line, actors would hold up very large masks in front of their face that depicted the expressions of a particular character. These large masks also enabled a single actor to play many different roles, sending different impressions to the audience by simply swapping masks and assuming the “persona” of another.

Over the years in counseling, I have witnessed a lot of arguments ensue from one spouse accusing the other of ill intentions based on their expression. In almost every instance where the individual truly did not have bad intentions despite their expressions, it was extremely difficult for them to convince their spouse otherwise. This often fueled a lack of trust and became a huge obstacle to overcome before effective communication could take place.

If you notice others don’t seem to track along when you're communicating, or they often respond with frustration or even stare at you like a cow looking at a new gate, you might consider the following:

At the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells His audience that their yes should be yes and no should be no (Matthew 5:37). The same could be applied to how we communicate to others. Our words, and actions, should always be clear and consistent with our countenance.

When I decided to return to college in September 2010, the most substantial mental hurdle I had to overcome was the thought of having to once again learn how to study and take exams. After all, it had been over 30 years since I opened a college text book. Yet, if I am being totally transparent, I wasn’t all that consistent about opening textbooks when I attended college back in the late 70’s! At any rate, if I had any chance of obtaining a degree, I had to learn how to study all over again.

At first, it was difficult to get acclimated to my new schedule of functioning in my role in ministry during the day and then changing gears to read, study and take exams in the evenings. It required being both disciplined and intentional to adequately learn the material in order to succeed. By the grace of God and with the help of many people, I have successfully completed a Ph.D. in Psychology. Needless to say, I have discovered a thing or two about being a student over the last few years.

Succeeding in marriage can be a lot like mastering material in a college textbook. Without becoming a good student, the process can be quite difficult. Only in marriage, the object to be studied and mastered is not a particular textbook. It’s your spouse. Now, almost all of us would say we were fairly intentional about spending time with our spouse, getting to know them better when we were in the dating stage. Yet, most of us would also agree that at some point, the busyness of life caused us to become less intentional once we were married.

So, how well do you know your spouse today? I’m not referring to simply knowing his or her favorite color or place to eat (although things like this can be helpful). Instead, what I’m talking about here is how well you understand their habits, both good and bad. Do you know their communication style? How they tend to make decisions? What are your spouse’s love languages? If you answered no or not really to any of the above questions, here are a few tips on how you can become a better student of your spouse:

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you already know everything about your spouse. People, including you, make adjustments to relationships and situations over time. While it is possible that you know much about your spouse, it is highly likely there is more to learn because of changes that have taken place over time.

Be willing to become a student of your spouse regardless of whether or not you believe your spouse is trying to intentionally learn more about you. While it is not the case in every situation, dollar to a doughnut your spouse will eventually respond to you in a positive way if you commit to learning more about them today.

Intentionally make time each week to spend time learning more about your wife or husband. Weekly date nights are a great time to learn more about your spouse. Instead of going to watch a movie where little or no conversation takes place, spend time at the food court in the mall or at a picnic table in the park asking each other questions.

Take advantage of resources designed to learn how others think, communicate and make decisions. Personality reports are a great way to learn this type of information about each other. You can learn a great deal about your spouse by purchasing and completing our Connect Assessment, https://www.connectassessment.com.

Never stop learning. It’s important to realize that as husbands and wives we should never stop learning about each other. School is always in session.