Luke and Dan review: if the blue pill keeps you suspended in a tantalising reality and the red one makes your knob drop off, guess which one had the directors foaming at the f*cking mouth like Pavlov's dogs; after reading the title, Daniel Day-Lewis was expecting a slightly different period piece; and Bowie's fate mirrored that of the Cretan Minotaur after it was uncovered that 'Oh! You Pretty Things' was his ode to nouncing.

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