I had been looking for him for a very long time. 15 years to be exact. He finally called me last March to check-in and catch up a bit. Never did I think that would be the last time we ever spoke to one another.

There are often moments in life that leave us stunned, seemingly unprepared for what is coming or what just happened. I’ve found that these moments often do not ask for understanding but more so of our ability to be present and awake… if we let them.

This episode is about one of those moments.

Months after we had caught up for the first time in 15 years, I received a call I never expected: my former boyfriend had died suddenly.

And of all the people who could have been asked, his family asked me to officiate his memorial.

What followed was a collision of grief, memories, unanswered questions, and a deep reckoning with regret. I’m not really one to hold on to regret, but having just spoken to him, I simply couldn’t fathom this reality.

What did I miss? What could I have done differently? What do we owe the people we once loved? Why wasn’t I there more?

This story isn’t about rekindling a romance or unrequited love.

It’s a story about timing. About the shadowy parts, unfinished truths, secrets we hold close. It’s about the quiet weighted regret of calls not returned. It’s about sitting with the discomfort of wondering whether presence or kindness could have been offered sooner and learning how to forgive myself for being human.

I reference in the episode a beautiful moment where I felt Chris was trying to give me a sign I asked for. Once you listen to this episode, this video below will make a lot more sense. It was a powerful moment of confirmation that our loved ones communicate with us beyond the veil. Click the video below.

In this episode, I explore:

* What regret really is and what it’s not

* Why forgiveness isn’t about erasing the past, but releasing the hope that it could have been different

* How grief can become a sacred teacher

* And how some experiences feel less like choices and more like callings - this was mine to do

If you’ve ever carried a quiet regret…If you’ve ever wondered whether something in your past still holds meaning…If you’ve ever been asked to show up for something you never imagined you would…This episode is for you.

(Chris doing what he loved best. Helping people.)

In honor and loving memory of Christopher Marshall Peyrouse and all the people he helped in his life. This episode is offered with deep respect for his family and loved ones. I share only my experience and do so with reverence for the life he lived.

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