During thejourney I thought over my errand with misgiving. Now that I was free from thespectacle of Mrs. Strickland's distress I could consider the matter morecalmly. I was puzzled by the contradictions that I saw in her behaviour. Shewas very unhappy, but to excite my sympathy she was able to make a show of herunhappiness. It was evident that she had been prepared to weep, for she hadprovided herself with a sufficiency of handkerchiefs; I admired herforethought, but in retrospect it made her tears perhaps less moving. I couldnot decide whether she desired the return of her husband because she loved him,or because she dreaded the tongue of scandal; and I was perturbed by thesuspicion that the anguish of love contemned was alloyed in her broken heartwith the pangs, sordid to my young mind, of wounded vanity. I had not yetlearnt how contradictory is human nature; I did not know how much pose there isin the sincere, how much baseness in the noble, nor how much goodness in the reprobate.

But there wassomething of an adventure in my trip, and my spirits rose as I approachedParis. I saw myself, too, from the dramatic standpoint, and I was pleased withmy role of the trusted friend bringing back the errant husband to his forgivingwife. I made up my mind to see Strickland the following evening, for I feltinstinctively that the hour must be chosen with delicacy. An appeal to theemotions is little likely to be effectual before luncheon. My own thoughts werethen constantly occupied with love, but I never could imagine connubial blisstill after tea.

旅途中，我仔细考虑了一下这次去巴黎的差事，不觉又有些疑虑。现在我的眼睛已经看不到思特里克兰德太太一副痛楚不堪的样子，好象能够更冷静地考虑这件事了。我在思特里克兰德太太的举动里发现一些矛盾，感到疑惑不解。她非常不幸，但是为了激起我的同情心，她也很会把她的不幸表演给我看。她显然准备要大哭一场，因为她预备好大量的手帕；她这种深思远虑虽然使我佩服，可是如今回想起来，她的眼泪的感人力量却不免减低了。我看不透她要自己丈夫回来是因为爱他呢，还是因为怕别人议论是非；我还怀疑使她肠断心伤的失恋之痛是否也搀杂着虚荣心受到损害的悲伤（这对我年轻的心灵是一件龌龊的事）；这种疑心也使我很惶惑。我那时还不了解人性多么矛盾，我不知道真挚中含有多少做作，高尚中蕴藏着多少卑鄙，或者，即使在邪恶里也找得着美德。

但是我这次到巴黎去是带着一定冒险成分的，当我离目的地越来越近的时候，我的情绪也逐渐高起来。我也从做戏的角度看待自己，对我扮演的这个角色——一个受人衷心相托的朋友把误入歧途的丈夫带回给宽恕的妻子——非常欣赏。我决定第二天晚上再去找思特里克兰德，因为我本能地觉得，必须细致盘算，并选定这一时间。如果想从感情上说动一个人，在午饭以前是很少会成功的。在那些年代里，我自己就常常遐想一些爱情的事，但是只有吃过晚茶后我才能幻想美好婚姻的幸福。