“Be hard on the problem, soft on the people.”

— Fisher and Ury, Getting to Yes

As we’ve discussed elsewhere, in negotiation settings, focusing on the objective issues in dispute, rather than getting bogged down in personal attacks and one-sided arguments, often leads to effective dialogue. Effective dialogue, in turn, leads to mutual understanding and, ideally, ultimate resolution.

Though discussions grounded in fact and objectivity are preferable to those featuring ad hominem insults and baseless critique, negotiation is a quintessentially human exchange. It’s always important to understand the other side’s perspective in a disagreement, both in your search for “truth” and in order to persuade your counterpart. Even if you’re 100% correct about an objective, provable fact, that’s not always enough to win an argument or convince someone to see things your way.

Sometimes a conflict’s resolution has absolutely nothing to do with substantive issues and everything to do with effectively managing “soft skills” and what might appear to be non-objective details.

It can be tempting to – and you should – come into a mediation or negotiation with hard numbers, financial calculations, and cogent arguments that you think prove an objectively “correct” result. However, remember that how you package your analysis and frame your proposals can also be determinant.

* Do some people respond better to being asked to do something, as opposed to being told to do it?

* Are you more inclined to do something for someone you like or someone who’s threatened and antagonized you?

* Might some of us respond to a request less favorably, say, on a dreary Monday morning before our first cup of coffee, than we might on a Thursday afternoon before a long, holiday weekend?

* Are you more willing to listen to someone who has first taken the time to empathize with and listen to you?

* Can an artful negotiator frame an idea or request in such a way that the other person doesn’t even realize a request is being made?

Surely. Absolutely.

Questions like these are endless, and certainly it helps to know the tendencies and preferences of your negotiating partner when devising your approach. As a mediator, I spend a tremendous amount of time guiding parties as to what “packaging” of a proposal might be best received. My suggestions depend on a range of factors dictated by the particular situation and personalities involved in the underlying dispute.

When seeking to resolve a conflict: Be prepared to address the problem, aim for a mutual understanding of any substantive disagreements, and then try to anticipate those factors — beyond the facts and figures — that matter most to an effective resolution.

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