In this week’s episode of Parables from the Pit, Coach Sam and Coach Jesse have an open conversation about sex, orgasms, expectations, and connection. Jesse shares a recent experience with his wife which sends him to the pit, where he questions his worth and the state of their marriage. He shares the gift he received through Stacking this experience, which is a total game-changer for himself and the brotherhood.

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Parable #1: Stack

• Inside the Warrior’s Way, there is something called a Stack which is basically a questionnaire surrounding the stories that we tell ourselves. It gives men an opportunity to re-evaluate those stories, and through this process, they are able to find new stories that better serve them.
• Inside of the one thousand plus members of the brotherhood, men are occasionally influenced by others’ stacks. Coach Jesse’s recent Stack is an example of one that has had a massive ripple effect inside the brotherhood.

QUESTION

How has using the Stack changed the trajectory of your life?

Parable #2: The Sex Pit

• Jesse’s Stack was fueled by a recent experience with his wife as they were having sex. Because she didn’t orgasm, he began making up and living inside of stories about their marriage.
• While inside the pit of guilt, shame, and blame, Jesse started creating a story about his wife. “She didn’t have an orgasm so that means I didn’t please her, she doesn’t like sex, and she doesn’t like me anymore.”

QUESTION

What does your Sex Pit look like? What sends you there?

Parable #3: Chasing the Orgasm

• Men feel like they are the performer and their wife is the audience. As long as their wife has an orgasm, life is good. But if she doesn’t, men question their worth, their ability to perform, and even their marriage.
• Coach Sam: Connection is robbed whenever there’s this concept of audience and performer. When expectation comes into play, connection gets lost.

QUESTION

How does this conversation resonate with you?

Parable #4: Ease Up the Pressure

• When Jesse compares the frequency and ease of his wife’s orgasms to those she experienced eight years ago, that sends her to her pit of “there’s something wrong with me” and Jesse to his pit of “I’m not pleasing her.”
• Coach Jesse: We’re not going to experience connection and intimacy by putting pressure on each other. The only way we will experience what we want is simply by just letting it be.

 

QUESTION

What kind of pressure are you putting on your wife? How does that affect your sex life?

 

Parable #5: Intimacy and Connection vs Results

• Coach Jesse: Did my wife and I connect? Did I see her soul, or did I just see her for sex? As men, sometimes all we’re thinking is what can I do to get my wife in bed to perform vs how do I set up the conditions to connect with my wife on an intimate level?
• Coach Sam: Setting up the conditions for our wives to truly be happy is exactly the task that we have signed up for. Too often, we want to quickly get to the results because we feel we have earned the right to them.

QUESTION

What is more important to you: connection or results?

Parables from the Pit:

“As men, we’re more primal. But women truly like the steps leading into an intimate connection between two souls becoming one in the moment; like two lights merging together as one.”

— Sam Falsafi

“Connection is robbed when expectation gets in the way.”

–Jesse Ewell