What is polarity?

Equal and opposite energies are found in every part of nature. Cause and effect, Yin and Yang, masculine and feminine, initiating and yielding, giving and receiving, leading and following, light and dark. Each opposite plays its role in forming the whole.

Most of us flow easily between these roles. One moment we’re following someone’s lead in conversation or agreeing to someone else’s plans for dinner, and the next we’re giving directives to the babysitter or describing how we want our meal prepared in a restaurant.

When we stand in line for our morning coffee, we’re know very well what’s necessary to get our coffee. When we give our coffee order, we’re guiding the barista in how to make a coffee that pleases us.

Neither you nor the barista is superior to the other. You’re equal parts in an overarching mutual agreement to meet both of your needs: you get your coffee and she gets her paycheck. Unless there’s a noted undercurrent of attraction between you and the barista, this isn’t an erotically charged instance of polarity, unlike the polarity of leading and following that’s inherent in a romantic relationship.

Polarity & passion

Polarity is necessary in keeping passion alive. It’s the yin and yang of a union, reflecting the opposite and equal energies found everywhere in our natural world and cosmos. Polarity magnetically draws opposing sides toward the creation of a whole. Neither side is superior or more powerful; the equal and opposite masculine and feminine aspects of our human nature reside in all of us.

Couples who have discovered their authentic sexual polarity will often maintain that erotic spark outside of the bedroom; tend to see each other through “lover’s eyes”; tease and flirt with each other in the midst of their day; more easily locate their desire and show it to their partner, making them feel wanted and appreciated; share a lingering kiss, a sensual embrace or a loving squeeze of the butt; text sexy thoughts from the office in anticipation of a planned playdate; and enjoy high degrees of sexual confidence.

If you’re familiar with Dr. Sue Johnson’s attachment style teachings, they’ll both experience the secure attachment a strong connection brings.

A couple lacking polarity might describe their relationship by saying:

“I feel like we’ve become more roommates than lovers,”

“Neither of us feel motivated to be sexual anymore,”

“It’s easier to just watch TV and cuddle than it is to have sex,”

“Our relationship has become platonic, like we’re brother and sister,”

“We know everything there is to know about each other. There’s no mystery,”

“We have sex but it feels awkward and stilted,”

“We both want to initiate so we’re trying to please each other at the same time,” or “We both want to be seduced so neither of us will initiate something.”

I often hear couples describe their partner as their best friend. On the surface this sounds idyllic. But what you gain in partnering with your best friend you lose in the sexual dynamic that creates desire, lustful anticipation for erotic escapes, and the excitement of viewing your partner through a lover’s lens. Without the polarity of opposites, couples can settle into a sameness that creates comfort, security, and an intimacy that feels almost familial.

Sooner or later, attraction is replaced with a brotherly or sisterly relating that can deaden the spark of desire or at least give it a back seat in intimacy. What was once sexual attraction coming from equal and opposite energies now feels unmotivated and predictable, lacking the tension of that polar pull.

When it comes to sex, sameness does not create the erotic friction that makes passion come alive. Sexual polarity thrives in the play of opposites: leader and follower, pursuer and pursued, directive masculine energy and receptive feminine energy.

Masculine vs feminine energy

Gender has little to do with polarity. Everyone, regardless of gender, embodies masculine/yang energy and feminine/yin energy. As we slowly chip away at society’s gender biases, we’re learning to identify where we fall on the broad spectrum of masculine and feminine energy.

Finding balance within our inherent masculine/feminine energy helps partners recognize and accept how to support polarity within themselves and in their relationship. The more we understand who we are energetically, the more we can loosen the grip of gender stereotypes that don’t necessarily reflect our experience.

The CEO who spends their days in a masculine, directive role may long to relinquish control and be told what to do. The nurturer who spends their days in a more feminine energy, taking care of and submitting to the requests of others, may long to take the reins and be in charge. When we accept who we authentically are on the scale of masculine and feminine energy, we start to understand our own internal polarity. We can then explore how sexual polarity can shift the dynamic in our relationship.

Your authentic path to polarity: A case study

When Brad and Jenna came to see me for their first coaching session, they expressed the number one most common complaint I hear from long-term couples: They’d lost sexual desire and attraction. They both felt it was Brad’s problem. Jenna wanted Brad to be more assertive with her in the bedroom. And Brad had no idea how to invoke the kind of energy.

Because of this disconnect, sex had become routine and predictably unsatisfying. They were often left in the void of what was missing, and the silent disappointment that it might never change.

This led to resentment that impacted other parts of their relationship. It strained their patience with each other’s shortcomings. Bickering became a daily routine.

Jenna found her attention drifting to men who embodied the kind of energy she was missing in Brad. She confessed to me that she felt dangerously close to secretly seeking that energy outside of the relationship.

Jenna’s work as a lawyer required her to be solidly planted in her masculine energy. When she got home from work, she brought that same level of directive energy to her family life, and her relationship.

She felt the need to call the shots, make the decisions, and lead the way. It didn’t take me long to observe that Jenna’s own masculine energy was preventing Brad from finding his own masculine energy in the relationship.

As long as she was taking the reins in and out of the bedroom, Brad was inclined to assume the polar role with a more submissive demeanor of wanting to please and be of service.

You can see where this led: This only solidified Jenna’s own need to be in the directive role and undermined her respect for Brad. Their relationship had polarity but not in a way that they wanted.

The shift back to polarity for Jenna and Brad didn’t happen on just a conceptual level: it came about through somatic exercises that connected both to parts of themselves that had gone dormant. By playing with erotic power through tools such as archetypes, physical experiencing, and roleplay, they found their polarities beginning to shift.

As Jenna relaxed the more masculine energy she needed in her work environment and felt safe enough to embody her more feminine side at home. She stopped focusing on Brad’s deficits and began to trust his decisions and directives. In turn, Brad began to embrace his sexual desire for his own pleasure rather than the need to please Jenna.

This strengthened his capacity to confidently take charge. Jenna could let go and enjoy being ravished by Brad, while Brad was being fed by her receptivity and desire. They found a dynamic that fueled their desire and the attraction of opposing energies.

In time, their undercurrent of resentment and daily competition made way for an appreciation and respect for each other’s new roles. They learned that it’s not about trying to become someone other than their true selves but rather connecting with parts of themselves they’d abandoned over the years.

In conclusion, we all embody both masculine and feminine energy.

Today most of us accept that gender is no longer a strictly binary concept, but rather a broad spectrum of energies. When we accept our place on this spectrum of masculine/feminine energy we can explore different sides of ourselves in relationship to our partners. While unhealthy relationship dynamics are formed unconsciously, healthy dynamics can be formed with intention.

What is the dance of polarity in your relationship? Are you in the flow of your dance, or are you stepping on each other’s toes?

Private coaching is the most direct route to growth and change. Reach out if you want to learn how relationship and intimacy coaching can help.

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