i was sitting on my mom’s couch at noon on a tuesday.

kids were in childcare. dr. pepper in one hand. phone in the other. scrolling through pictures of houses i would never live in.

and i remember thinking: that’s not my house. that’s not my life. and no one is coming to give it to me.

i was thirty-something. living in a one-bedroom apartment with my mom and four kids. and i was spending my one free moment of the day... leaving.

not physically. i didn’t go anywhere.

but i wasn’t there either.

what this episode is about

this is the first episode of the encouragist podcast. and it’s about something i don’t think we talk about enough.

the way you can be present in your life without actually being present in your life.

how survival mode doesn’t look like falling apart. it looks like a treadmill. wake up. handle things. perform. manage. and when you finally get a free moment, you don’t get off. you just lower the speed. scroll for a while. zone out. watch something. take the edge off.

and then you wake up and do it again.

in this episode, i introduce a concept i call “the representative.” she’s the version of you that shows up when the real you can’t. she answers the phone. she goes to work. she holds conversations and looks put together.

people interact with her and think they’re talking to you.

but they’re not.

what we cover

* why escape feels like rest but leaves you more tired than before

* the shame spiral that convinces you you’re uniquely broken

* what psychology says about dissociation as a survival response (it’s not weakness. it’s your brain doing its job.)

* the treadmill of survival mode and why the speed never actually stops

* how i lost myself after my dad died in 2014 and didn’t realize it for years

* the moment on my mom’s couch when i finally recognized myself again

* the first act of courage (it’s not fixing your life. it’s admitting you haven’t been in it.)

the question i leave you with

when’s the last time you were actually here?

not performing. not surviving. not scrolling through someone else’s life.

but here. in your body. in your breath. in this moment.

if you can’t remember, that’s okay. that’s not a failure. that’s just information.

and information is where change begins.

resources mentioned

psychology research: University of Alberta (2024). “Survival, Attachment, and Healing: An Evolutionary Lens on Interventions for Trauma-Related Dissociation.” Burback et al. Published in Psychology Research and Behavior Management.

the study found that dissociation is a necessary part of our threat response system. when you can’t physically escape your circumstances, your brain creates a mental escape. it’s not a character flaw. it’s survival.

keep listening

episode 2 drops next week. we’re going deeper into the escape patterns. why you keep doing the same thing even though you know it’s not working. and what it actually takes to get off the treadmill.

signed,

your encouragist

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