Where did you learn to love yourself? For most of us, this question is surprisingly difficult to answer. In this episode, we explore how our earliest experiences shape our capacity for self-love, the myth that self-love reflects our worthiness, and why our ability to care for ourselves has everything to do with what we learned and nothing to do with how lovable we are. Discover how to recognize and revise your internal blueprint for self-care through a simple five-minute experiment.

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to naturally look after themselves - they protect their boundaries, speak kindly to themselves, and make choices that honor their wellbeing? Meanwhile, others repeatedly put themselves last, speak to themselves with harsh criticism, or regularly end up in situations that don't serve them?

It's not random, and it's not about who's "better" at life. It's about what we learned early on.

The prevailing myth is that your ability to love yourself reflects how lovable and worthy you are. This couldn't be further from the truth. Your capacity for self-love has nothing to do with your inherent worthiness.

We're all born with the innate wisdom to self-love. Just look at how a baby will unhesitatingly let you know when they're hungry, need changing, or feel uncomfortable or scared. We are born with natural instincts to self-care and self-advocate.

But like all animals, we learn and adapt through our experiences.

For most of us, our first decade is largely shaped by our primary caregivers. These become our primary data points during our developmental years: how our caregivers treated us, how they spoke to us, what they prioritized, what they dismissed, what they allowed, what they prohibited - not only toward us but for themselves as well.

If you had caregivers who consistently honored your feelings, who taught you your needs mattered, who protected you from harm and disrespect, and treated themselves in the same way - you likely absorbed the message that you required care and protection. It wasn't even a character judgment of whether you were worthy or deserved care, but an objective understanding that, like any living being, you had specific requirements to thrive.

But many of us received different or conflicting messages:

These weren't conscious lessons. They were absorbed through daily experiences that slowly, invisibly shaped our internal blueprint for how we should treat ourselves.

Here's the liberating truth: while we didn't choose our original blueprint for self-love and self-care, we absolutely can choose to revise it. That's the beauty of adult agency and free will.

The relationship you have with yourself is just that - a relationship. And like any relationship, it can be reconsidered and nourished for growth.

This is where free will enters the picture. The patterns may feel deeply ingrained - almost like they're part of your identity. But they're learned behaviors. And what's learned can be relearned.

Often it's challenging to objectively assess our relationship with ourselves. We're too close to it - it's hard to comment when we're within the bubble.

Here's a perspective shift that helps: imagine you're responsible for caring for another person - someone you genuinely want the best for. This can be a child, a friend, or a loved one. Then look at how you currently treat yourself.

Would you allow someone under your care to be spoken to the way you speak to yourself? Would you permit others to treat them the way you allow people to treat you? Would you want this person to constantly sacrifice their needs, purpose, rest, or wellbeing for others?

When we create this distance, the answers often become startlingly clear. Patterns we've normalized for ourselves suddenly look unacceptable when applied to someone we're responsible for protecting.

Here's a tiny experiment if you're up for it. It takes just five minutes.

Find a quiet moment and ask yourself these three questions. Don't overthink them - just notice what immediately comes up:

Write down your answers. This simple act of awareness is the first step toward choice. We can't choose differently until we see clearly what we're currently doing and why.

"The relationship you have with yourself is just that - a relationship. And like any relationship, it can be reconsidered and nourished for growth."

This insight helps us see that our patterns of self-care aren't fixed traits but learned behaviors that can be reshaped with intention and practice.

Recognizing where your self-love blueprint came from isn't about blaming anyone. Our caregivers were working with their own inherited blueprints, doing the best they could with what they had.

This exploration is about understanding, not judgment. Understanding gives us the power to make conscious choices about how we want to relate to ourselves going forward.

Try to observe the way you treat yourself with curiosity rather than criticism. You're catching glimpses of an old blueprint - one that you have every right to revise.

Ready to transform your relationship with self-care? Learn about the path from burnout to clarity designed specifically for professionals navigating sustainable success at mybreathingmind.com.

My Breathing Mind Podcast is created for professionals navigating stress, burnout, and the journey back to peace and purpose. All episodes are written and produced by Ruth Kao Barr, burnout specialist, leadership & wellbeing coach.