Come Back To Yourself Coaching Program: www.savannanoelle.com/comebackI take pride in my Sagittarius Sun, with all that fire, my adventurous spirit, and my passion, but I can be very direct. And sometimes it stings. And as of late, a series of events have brought forward this beautiful sacred rage because of the number of situations I’ve experienced in my life that continue to stun me. It’s like human decency and kindness has gone out the window in what it means to have a real, honest conversation these days.

I think about the days where cell phones and computers didn’t exist. (Yes, I was alive then.) And even further back when people wrote letters and had to wait for days to receive them in the mail or they had to ride on horseback to ask their love interest’s father if he could date his daughter. If he wanted to end the relationship, he would have to face her head on. Those times are definitely gone.

So if someone you cared about recently ended things over a text, a cold, weirdly clinical text that didn’t sound anything like the person you’d been falling for— and then went silent on you afterward… No conversation. I get it. I’ve been there. Recently, actually.

Saying “this too shall pass” or “there are other fish in the sea” is not helpful right now.

If you’ve experienced this, it’s like you are holding all this confusion and disbelief, running the whole relationship back in your head trying to figure out when it shifted, what you missed, what you could have done differently.

Checking your phone way too much. Wondering if you should reach out. Wondering if reaching out would be a mistake. The terrain is unknown because it just seems so ridiculous and cowardly.

So here’s the one thing I want to say, because it’s what actually started to help me:

A text breakup is not a reflection of your worth nor is it because you did something wrong. It’s a reflection of their capacity.

Their capacity to sit with discomfort. To have a hard conversation. To stay present when things get real and vulnerable, instead of finding the nearest exit the second love starts to feel like something they could actually lose.

And I know they probably told you the opposite. Probably said come to me when you’re upset. Probably showed up early on with a kind of presence and consistency that made you think okay, here’s someone who can do this.

These things are easy to say at the beginning when the stakes are low and their stuff isn’t activated yet. The real test is what they do when things get hard… when their fear comes up, when intimacy starts asking something of them. When their nervous system wants to run because they’ve equated love with danger. That’s where people show you who they actually are.

A text breakup is communicating this, even though not realizing it…

I don’t have the capacity to be present for this conversation. I’m more worried about managing my own discomfort and protecting myself than about honoring what we shared. I know this isn’t right but I’m doing it anyway because I don’t know how to do it differently.

And honestly? They probably know it’s wrong. That’s why some of them offer to “talk” afterward. That little breadcrumb. “Maybe we should chat sometime.” That’s them quietly admitting what they just did wasn’t enough.

But they offered the conversation AFTER the detonation. Not before.

That’s the part that matters and the part that really sucks.

Because a regulated nervous system doesn’t send a text breakup. A regulated nervous system says, “I’ve got some stuff coming up for me, can we get on the phone?” That’s the conversation that builds trust and what could have changed everything.

You weren’t given that conversation. And that’s not on you.

You don’t have to keep waiting to be chosen by someone who keeps putting you down and picking you back up. You’re allowed to choose yourself, right now, even while you’re still sad, even while the love is still real, even while you’re still kind of hoping they’ll come back around.

That’s the work I’m in too.

This week on the podcast I’m going deeper into all of: What’s happening in your nervous system when this happens, fearful avoidant attachment, the pacing conversation we never have, and what to do (and not do) in the aftermath.

I hope you enjoy!

-Savanna

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