The Torn Podcast

Why can love feel both deeply secure and surprisingly uncertain? Writer Natasha Lunn explores the inner conflicts woven into love - perhaps  the tension between loving someone and finding daily life together difficult, or between staying in a relationship and wondering whether to leave. 

Drawing on her own experience and on the  interviews carried out for her best-selling book Conversations on Love, Natasha reflects on balancing partnership, parenthood and creative ambition, and on accepting the losses which accompany the relationships we build. 

She considers why uncertainty need not mean something is wrong. But conversely - and perhaps controversially - she suggests that deeply-torn feelings may indicate that a  relationship is not the right one for us. Rather than rushing to fix inner conflict, however, she encourages curiosity, honest conversation and gratitude for the relationship we have. 

Bio

​Natasha is a writer, editor and trainee wedding celebrant. As a journalist, she has interviewed everyone from Gloria Steinem to Gillian Anderson and David Sedaris, before becoming a content editor at the number 1 couples app. She is the author of Conversations on Love, a bestselling book exploring the mystery of love.

Three questions to sit with

When you experience doubts about a relationship, what helps you distinguish between the normal friction of two people building a life together and a deeper inner conflict which may be telling you to leave?

Where in your life are you balancing things you deeply value, such as love, family, work or creativity? How do you feel about what you may have to give up in order to achieve the right balance for you and those you love,, even when you are happy with the life you have built?

When someone you care about is struggling with relationship uncertainty, what do you offer them which helps? How might you handle offering help if you yourself feel the relationship they are torn about is wrong for them?

You may find these resources useful

1: To follow Natasha’s journey in exploring the mystery of love, subscribe to her Substack Conversations on Love. 

2: Read Susan and Natasha’s conversation on how to sustain love within a long-term relationship in the book Conversations on Love.  

3: Read Natasha's thoughts on resolving the pull-push between parenting and partnership.

4: Read thoughts from relationship researcher Amy Muise on how to fuel desire in a long-term relationship.  

5: From The Torn Podcast Season 1: Should I leave my marriage? explores how Paul needed to fully understand the past before he could resolve the present.  

6: From The Torn Project website: No help for my breakup pain is the story of how Alisdair found relationship fulfilment when support from friends and family wasn't helping him.

Credits

The Torn Podcast is created by Susan Quilliam, Caitlin Cockerton and James Knight. Thank you to our producer Liv Merry. To our music composers Michel, Mikolaj and Bolek Błaszczyk. To our editor and designer Lalia Saber Rodriguez and designer Crystal Matthews. To this season’s actors Antony Quinn, Matthew Woolerton and Rupert Alison. And to all of those who have contributed their lived experiences, specialist knowledge and professional support to The Torn Project.

Across this first season of The Torn Podcast, we’ve explored what it means to feel torn between choices, identities, values, and the different parts of ourselves.

In this bonus episode, we pause to reflect and respond directly to some of the questions that have come through from listeners along the way.

From feeling stuck in indecision, to navigating conflicting desires, to wondering whether resolution is even possible, this conversation revisits some of the key themes of the series through a more personal and responsive lens. It’s a chance to go a little deeper, clarify some of the ideas we’ve introduced, and offer reassurance to those moments where inner conflict can feel overwhelming or hard to name.

If you’ve found yourself relating to the stories in this series or noticing your own “torn” moments more clearly this episode is for you.

Find more stories, resources and support at

www.thetornproject.com

Follow us on Instagram @thetornproject

Or get in touch via [email protected]

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this final episode of the series, the Torn Project team step back to reflect on what they’ve learned across the season with particular focus on resolutions that help us move through inner conflict. Drawing on the stories, frameworks, and insights explored throughout the season, resolution is seen not as a neat ending, but as an ongoing, human process.

Click the link below to access a downloadable PDF with further resources related to this episode

https://thetornproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/thetornproject-podcast-s1-e12-resources.pdf

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Find more stories, resources and hope on all things inner conflict at www.thetornproject.com.

Follow us on Instagram @thetornproject.

To reach out directly, email [email protected].

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sometimes an inner conflict is not about preferences, careers, or relationships, but about survival itself.

In this episode, we hear the story of a woman facing a life-threatening cancer diagnosis. She finds herself torn between two radically different paths: evidence-based medical treatment, or alternative therapies. But this is not a simple choice - there are many other elements which add to her inner conflict.

This episode contains discussion of life-threatening cancer and death so you may wish to consider where and when. you listen.

A book mentioned in this episode:

The Year of Magical Thinking

Author: Joan Didion

Publisher: Harper Perennial

Available as: Paperback, Hardcover Kindle edition, Audiobook, 2009

For those who need support in coping with cancer - their own experience, in

supporting someone else or dealing with a bereavement - the following link

offers a wide range of resources. & lt; https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-

cancer/coping/general-books-links/general-cancer-organisations >

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Find more stories, resources and hope on all things inner conflict at our website www.thetornproject.com

Follow us on Instagram @thetornproject.

To reach out directly, use the contact form on our website.

The Torn Podcast is created by Susan Quilliam, Caitlin Cockerton and James Knight. Thank you to our producer, Fin Kinsella of Floom Creative, to our music composers Michal, Mikolaj and Bolek Błaszczyk, to our team of actors (for this episode Rachel Griffiths) and to all of those who have contributed their lived experiences specialist knowledge and professional support.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What happens when a relationship to alcohol that once felt easy and enjoyable begins to feel complicated?

In this episode, Richard shares his experience of becoming torn about alcohol and how he used parts work to think through and reshape his changing relationship with drinking. Following a health scare, Richard knew something needed to change, but stopping outright didn’t feel simple or right. Instead, he found himself navigating competing inner voices: parts that valued pleasure, routine and social connection, alongside parts that wanted health, clarity and self-respect.

This episode explores how parts work can help us move away from shame, rigidity and willpower-driven change, and towards curiosity, compassion and inner collaboration.

To deepen your understanding of parts work, you may want to listen to Episode 9: What is Parts Work and Why Is It Important?

In that episode, a therapist explains the original theory behind parts work and offers further insight into how you can use it yourself and how working with a trained therapist can provide additional support.

Listen here:

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-torn-podcast/id1843063117?i=1000743928274

We want to offer a range of resources alongside this episode, depending on where you or someone you care about may be in relationship to alcohol.

For those rethinking their drinking:

• Alcohol Change UK: https://alcoholchange.org.uk/
• NHS alcohol advice and support: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-advice/alcohol-support/
• Sober Curious podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/sober-curious/id1460377009
• This Naked Mind podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/this-naked-mind-podcast/id1287269357

For those actively worried about dependent or addictive drinking — their own or someone else’s:

• NHS alcohol support: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-advice/alcohol-support/
• Find local alcohol addiction services: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/find-alcohol-addiction-support-services/
• SMART Recovery UK (also supports other forms of addiction): https://smartrecovery.org.uk/
• We Are With You (drug, alcohol and mental health support): https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/

Important note: This episode does not replace professional support. If alcohol use is causing harm or feels out of control, reaching out for specialist help can be an important next step. If you’ve ever felt torn between what you enjoy and what you sense might need to change, this episode offers insight, reassurance, and a compassionate framework for navigating that inner conflict.

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Find more stories, resources and hope on all things inner conflict at our website www.thetornproject.com

Follow us on Instagram @thetornproject.

To reach out directly, use the contact form on our website.

Find out more about The Torn Project team.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What if the parts of you that feel anxious, critical, or overwhelming aren’t problems to fix, but parts of you trying, in their own way, to protect you?

In this episode, Caitlin is joined by Alex, a London-based psychotherapist working with Internal Family Systems (IFS). For professional confidentiality reasons, Alex’s voice is performed by an actor, but the insights shared are very real and deeply practical.

Together, they explore how IFS helps us understand inner conflict by recognising that we are not a single, unified voice, but a system of “parts” each with its own role, fears, and good intentions. Rather than silencing or fighting these parts, IFS invites us to listen to them, befriend them, and restore balance within ourselves.

This is an episode about self-acceptance, compassion, and understanding that being torn is not a failure, but a sign that different parts of you are trying to help in different ways.

Books Recommended:

• Self Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Inner Wholeness Using IFS, a New, Cutting-Edge Therapy. By Jay Earley
• No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model. By Richard Schwartz. <https://ifs-institute.com/nobadparts> 
• Also find No Bad Parts via our We Love filter in our resources section <https://thetornproject.com/resources/no-bad-parts>

Resources to help you work out if professional help is needed, and how to go about finding it:

• Do I need professional support <https://thetornproject.com/resources/do-i-need-professional-help>
• When giving support isn’t enough <https://thetornproject.com/resources/when-giving-support-is-not-enough>
• We love: Befrienders Worldwide <https://thetornproject.com/resources/befrienders-worldwide>
• 
  

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Find more stories, resources and hope on all things inner conflict at our website www.thetornproject.com

Follow us on Instagram @thetornproject.

To reach out directly, use the contact form on our website.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What happens when who you are feels unsafe to be known?

In this episode of The Torn Podcast, we share Ian’s story, which is a powerful, long-arc journey of inner conflict shaped by growing up gay in a time when homosexuality was illegal in the UK. Narrated by an actor to protect anonymity, Ian’s story traces decades of tension between inner truth and external danger: family expectations, religious pressure, fear of punishment, and the very real threat of violence.

Susan and Caitlin reflect on Ian’s experiences through the lens of inner conflict, exploring shame, secrecy, identity, and the slow, non-linear process of coming to terms with who you are. They look at how context, relationships, and community can either trap us in conflict or help us move through it, and why some conflicts don’t disappear so much as soften, settle, and become integrated over time.

This is an episode about patience, self-compassion, and the courage it takes to keep unfolding even when safety is never guaranteed. A reminder that being torn is not a failure, and that resolution doesn’t always mean certainty, but peace.

Content note: This episode discusses historical criminalisation of homosexuality, stigma, and the threat of violence.

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Find more stories, resources and hope on all things inner conflict at our website www.thetornproject.com

Follow us on Instagram @thetornproject.

To reach out directly, use the contact form on our website.

Find out more about The Torn Project team.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What really happens inside us when we’re torn? After analysing over 120 real stories of inner conflict, the Torn Project team noticed something unexpected: a shared pattern running through every account. In this episode, they introduce The Torn Journey, a seven-stage map that traces how inner conflict first stirs, how it intensifies, where we get stuck, and how resolution can become possible.

In this episode, Susan and Caitlin walk us through each stage: from unconscious unease and conscious awareness, through information-gathering and experimentation, to the tipping point, the forks in the road, and the final resolution. This is an episode about understanding yourself with more compassion, trusting the process when things feel confusing, and recognising that being torn is not a failure but one way in which we grow.

If you’ve ever felt stuck between choices, unsure what step comes next, or overwhelmed by the emotional weight of decision-making, this episode offers reassurance, a route map, and a powerful framework for navigating the journey.

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Find more stories, resources and hope on all things inner conflict at our website www.thetornproject.com

Follow us on Instagram @thetornproject.

To reach out directly, use the contact form on our website.

Find out more about The Torn Project team.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this dramatisation of a real-life experience, we step inside the mind of a mother facing an unimaginable choice. Told as a first-person monologue and voiced by an actor without any external comment, this episode navigates the private landscape of fear, love, faith, anger, and the weight of responsibility. Through an exploration of the fierce bond between mother and child, we witness the inner journey of making an impossible decision.

This is a deeply emotional story involving serious child illness and bereavement, so you may wish to consider where and when you listen.

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Find more stories, resources and hope on all things inner conflict at our website www.thetornproject.com

Follow us on Instagram @thetornproject.

To reach out directly, use the contact form on our website.

Find out more about The Torn Project team.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, the hosts turn the questions on themselves.

Susan, Caitlin and James interview one another, sharing how The Torn Project began, what brought each of them to this work, and the personal experiences that continue to shape it.

Together, they explore the threads that connect psychology, coaching, technology, and creativity, and reveal what inner conflict means to them, not just as professionals, but as people.

This is an episode about purpose, partnership, and the human stories behind The Torn Project, how three different paths converged on a shared mission to help others navigate the complexities of being human.

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Find more stories, resources and hope on all things inner conflict at our website www.thetornproject.com

Follow us on Instagram @thetornproject.

To reach out directly, use the contact form on our website.

Find out more about The Torn Project team.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.