Episode 32: The Toxic Effects of Shame Shame is such a powerful feeling and one that can be so destructive in our lives. On today’s episode we dive into shame and explore not only how it impacts our lives, but those around us. We look at the worldview of good people doing bad things versus bad people doing bad things.   Learn how shame can make use self-destructive the most important thing...us.  Want to access the full show notes?  Click here to get em'.

32: The Toxic Effects of Shame

Her Life Unscripted is the podcast for burnt out, stressed out and   stretched thin women looking for inspiration as they embrace the unscriptedness of life.  Your host, Anna Osborn, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, is a wife, momma of toddler twins and business owner who specializes in relationships and building a collective voice for women. Anna Osborn, LMFT, interviews female entrepreneurs, working and stay at home moms and women whose work is dedicated to supporting and creating community for other women.  Her Life Unscripted podcast is about support, love, encouragement and being brave, even when life gets hard.

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I’m bringing you yet another sponsor for the upcoming Shine Retreat for Women, and I’m excited to introduce you to Chelsea DeKruyff. We’re less than two weeks away from the Retreat, by the way, which is coming up September 27th - 29th. If you haven’t registered yet, there’s still time and I’m offering a special $50 off discount code!  We’re going to be learning about some pretty amazing things on today’s show: what role  neuroscience plays in healing trauma in communities, treating first responders so that they’re not so traumatized by their work, how both artistic ability and trauma are seated in the right brain, the ripple effect of unprocessed trauma, and so much more. You’re going to love this show, and if you’re like me, you’re going to want to take some notes. Chelsea DeKruyff is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Austin, Texas specializing in trauma treatment and prevention, anxiety, depression, and coping with the stress of transitions. She has enjoyed serving her community through private practice for over 14 years, co-founding two non-profits, VetCraft and The International Center for Mental Health and Human Rights, both centering on the treatment and prevention of PTSD in wounded communities using mindfulness practices and applied neuroscience. While working with The International Center, Chelsea was honored to be among the first group of psychotherapists to be invited by The Tibetan Government in Exile in Dharamsala, India to offer training and treatment in the exiled community. In addition to private practice, Chelsea presently runs two online meditation groups offering training and support in compassion and mindfulness meditation.    SPECIAL INVITATION: Shine Retreat is coming up September 27th - 29th, 2019!!  Registration at: https://www.shineretreatforwomen.com/ Email me at info@ShineRetreatforWomen.com to receive a $50 discount code off registration. You can also reach me at anna@herlifeunscripted.com. “Shine Retreat” is limited to 40 women.   Show Highlights:  Unprocessed trauma initiates the ripple effect from the individual to the families, friends, coworkers, and community. Mental health is contagious. For example, someone else’s depression can affect you. This is not fully understood, but there is a correlate. What we do know is that when someone works on their healing, that also has an effect on those around them. A traumatized person usually has an unregulated nervous system. What this means is that whatever emotion they have gets amplified, and they can’t find calm. They’re quick to anger and quick to despair, and this affects everyone around them. They cannot engage in a relationship the way a person who is able to regulate their emotions can. Neuroscience says that relationships have so much to do with our mental health. Chelsea discusses generational aspects and epigenetics. Healing one person lessens the collective traumatic load for the community that has experienced such things as war or a natural disaster, and the ensuing after-effects (higher crime rates, drug use, more children born out of wedlock, and other destabilizing effects on a community). How the effects of PTSD while in combat can be minimized. How a positive ripple effect might look. Chelsea provides us with an overview of the neuroscience of trauma. The dangers of de-valuing happiness and mental health. The differences between compassion (starts as a thought, not a feeling) and empathy (the act of having a felt experience of someone else’s felt experience), and how to prevent burn-out for mental health professionals. When using a process that moves trauma from right brain to left brain, healing is a definite possibility and very likely. It is this process that assists your brain into returning to neurotypical processing, as well as your emotional state. Your ability to regulate returns to normal, and you can be symptom-free. Meditation is a powerful practice and is a great place to start on the path to healing. If you tell yourself that you can’t be fixed, that’s just an illusion, which is more of a symptom than a truth. Give yourself a chance.    Resources: Her Life Unscripted Facebook Page, give it a LIKE!  https://www.facebook.com/herlifeunscripted/   Anna’s Website: https://lifeunscriptedcounseling.com     SPECIAL INVITATION: Shine Retreat is coming up September 27th - 29th, 2019!!  Registration at: https://www.shineretreatforwomen.com/ Email me at info@ShineRetreatforWomen.com to receive a $50 discount code off registration. You can also reach me at anna@herlifeunscripted.com. “Shine Retreat” is limited to 40 women.   Connect with Chelsea! ChelseaLPC.com  

12: The Safeguard of Compassion with Chelsea DeKruyff, LPC

On today’s podcast, we’re going to be getting into some of the reasons that couples wait too long to get help. Stephanie Macadaan is not only a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, but she is also one of the sponsors for the upcoming Shine Retreat for Women! Listen in as Stephanie breaks down some of the biggest barriers to starting couples therapy, and shares her passion in helping not only couples but also couples where one partner is willing to do the work but the other one isn’t. She’s able to work with both sides of that! Stephanie Macadaan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in couples therapy in Los Angeles. She is also the creator of The Happy Couple Plan, an immersive online program that takes the couple on a journey through the ins and outs of their relationship, to help couples feel more empowered, aware and in control of their future. SPECIAL INVITATION: Shine Retreat is coming up September 27th - 29th, 2019!!  Registration at: https://www.shineretreatforwomen.com/ Email me at info@ShineRetreatforWomen.com to receive a $50 discount code off registration. You can also reach me at anna@herlifeunscripted.com. “Shine Retreat” is limited to 40 women. Show Highlights:  Most couples don’t really know how to work on their relationships, and “date nights” can only go so far. Most couples view therapy as something to go to only in crisis. Couples therapy is designed to help relationships even when they’re not suffering. Stephanie finds it pretty common to get a phone call from a couple asking for information and wanting to come in, and then not hearing from them again for several months afterward. Couples therapy requires vulnerability not only to the therapist, but vulnerability in front of your partner, as well, and that may make some people hesitant to start. Changes in our relationships can be very subtle when we can drift apart and disconnect. It takes understanding the dynamics of a relationship so you can be more conscious of it. Life gets so busy, and we tend to expect our relationships to sit quietly on the side but be there when we need them. It’s easy to assume that if our relationships are good, they will always be there. We’re never taught how to have successful relationships, yet when our primary relationships suffer, it can have an impact everywhere else in our lives. “What if I want things different, but a partner won’t catch up?” Stephanie addresses this issue with a program she created called “The Happy Couple Plan”. It bridges the gap between couples not even thinking about therapy, and then coming in, in crisis. Her program is a safer middle-ground. The 3 things needed to have a solid, connected relationship: Knowledge about how relationships work Personal insights into the unique characteristics of yourself Consistent effort as a couple Stephanie discusses the types of couples who are a perfect fit for her “The Happy Couple Plan”.    Resources: Her Life Unscripted Facebook Page, give it a LIKE!  https://www.facebook.com/herlifeunscripted/   Anna’s Website: https://lifeunscriptedcounseling.com     SPECIAL INVITATION: Shine Retreat is coming up September 27th - 29th, 2019!!  Registration at: https://www.shineretreatforwomen.com/ Email me at info@ShineRetreatforWomen.com to receive a $50 discount code off registration. You can also reach me at anna@herlifeunscripted.com. “Shine Retreat” is limited to 40 women.   Stephanie’s Links! You can find more about Stephanie and her work at:  www.thehappycoupleplan.com www.therapywithstephanie.com     Podcasts Mentioned:   Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Interview with Esther Perel Esther Perel Podcast

11: Succeeding in Love with Stephanie Macadaan, LMFT

I’m super excited to introduce today’s guest, and the co-host of the upcoming Shine Retreat for Women, Mari Lee. Mari and I will be talking not only about the work that Mari does, helping support women to heal and grow, but also about The Shine Retreat, and how it’s based on filling your own cup, of restoration, connection, and most importantly, giving yourself permission to have fun. You are invited to join us, both here on the podcast, and at the Retreat. We hope to see you!   Mari A. Lee is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in sex addiction and partner betrayal. Mari is also a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, a Certified Partners Trauma Therapist, a Certified Mindfulness-Based Addiction Therapist, the founder of Growth Counseling in Glendora, CA., and the co-founder of The Mindfulness Academy for Addiction & Trauma Training (TMATT) in Newport Beach, CA. In addition to her clinical work, Mari is a trusted business coach to therapists around the world, is the founder of The Counselors Coach, and she is the co-founder of The Shine Women’s Retreat in Laguna Beach, CA. Mari is also a popular national speaker on betrayal trauma, and a respected author of multiple books, including, “Healing from Betrayal”, and “Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts”, and “The Creative Clinician: Exercises and Activities for Clients and Group Therapy.” Her next book, “The Gift in the Wound” will be out in 2020.    You can learn more about Mari’s services and support here: Growth Counseling Services Therapy support for Sex Addicts & Betrayed Partners www.growthcounselingservices.com The Counselor’s Coach Online Coaching Support for Therapists. Clinical Books, Materials and Free Resources for Therapists www.thecounselorscoach.com The Mindfulness Academy for Addiction & Trauma Training We provide training for clinical professionals seeking their Mindfulness-Based Addiction Therapist (MBAT) Certification www.thecounselorscoach.com The Shine Retreat for Women A healing retreat for all women regardless of age, size or ethnicity in Laguna Beach, CA. All women are warmly welcomed for an inspiring weekend of self-care, workshops, yoga, beach pampering, connection, yummy meals, and fun! www.shineretreatforwomen.com   Don’t forget about the upcoming SHINE RETREAT FOR WOMEN!!! A healing retreat for all women regardless of age, size or ethnicity in Laguna Beach, CA. All women are warmly welcomed for an inspiring weekend of self-care, workshops, yoga, beach pampering, connection, yummy meals, and fun! Join Anna and her cohost, today’s special guest, Mari A. Lee!!    SPECIAL INVITATION: Shine Retreat is coming up September 27th - 29th, 2019!!  Registration at: https://www.shineretreatforwomen.com/ Email me at info@ShineRetreatforWomen.com to receive a $50 discount code off registration. You can also reach me at anna@herlifeunscripted.com. “Shine Retreat” is limited to 40 women.   Show Highlights:    Mari works with women whose worlds have just been shattered. Women have been so focused on taking care of someone else that they have forgotten how to take care of themselves. As women, we’ve come to accept phrases like, “What a wonder woman you are, I want to be just like you when I grow up!”, “How do you find hours in the day to do all that you do, you just blow me away!” as compliments, but if we are not making time each day for some self-care, then we are setting ourselves up for crises. Learning how to manage others’ expectations and knowing, naming, and maintaining boundaries is so important, and these are things that Mari teaches. Mari and Anna discuss the shaming messages we get around self-care. Mari explains FOG - Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. We all do self-care differently and need to lift each other up. This is what you’ll find at The Shine Retreat. Both Mari and Anna divulge their personal insights into how they each know they’re needing some self-care. The Shine Retreat is a place for a small group of women to come together and fully immerse themselves in taking a moment and pushing the pause button and asking themselves what they need. We sometimes struggle to articulate our needs. Mari shares some surprises to expect from the retreat - such as a workshop on the beach. Under the stars. And in your PJ’s! Women find a way to release guilt, shame, pain, responsibility, and leave with insight, knowledge, and tools, and a tribe of women. Open invitation to the Retreat. We can’t WAIT to meet you!!  Resources:   Her Life Unscripted Facebook Page, give it a LIKE!  https://www.facebook.com/herlifeunscripted/   Anna’s Website: https://lifeunscriptedcounseling.com     SPECIAL INVITATION: Shine Retreat is coming up September 27th - 29th, 2019!!  Registration at: https://www.shineretreatforwomen.com/ Email me at info@ShineRetreatforWomen.com to receive a $50 discount code off registration. You can also reach me at anna@herlifeunscripted.com. “Shine Retreat” is limited to 40 women.     Mari’s Links:   To learn more about Mari’s services and support: www.growthcounselingservices.com   Clinical Books, Materials and Free Resources for Therapists:  www.thecounselorscoach.com   To learn more about training for clinical professionals seeking their Mindfulness Based Addiction Therapist (MBAT) Certification: www.thecounselorscoach.com   The Shine Retreat for Women! A healing retreat for all women regardless of age, size or ethnicity in Laguna Beach, CA. All women are warmly welcomed for an inspiring weekend of self care, workshops, yoga, beach pampering, connection, yummy meals, and fun!  www.shineretreatforwomen.com

10: Redefining Self-Care with Mari Lee

Jo Muirhead is my guest today, and I’m so excited to bring you another sponsor for the Shine Retreat, which is coming up next month. I met Jo at a business/work retreat in 2015, and she was one of the coaches at the event. We had an immediate connection, and I know you’re going to love her, too. Jo has a brilliant straight-forwardness that’s mixed with kindness, passion, and compassion.   She truly believes in connecting people to purpose through inspiration and innovation. Some of the things we’re going to go over are how work is something that we DO, not something that we ARE. We’re going to discuss safeguarding against burnout when work is our only identity.   As a Rehabilitation Counselor, she is at the intersection of how we manage our health and the work that we do. After someone leaves rehabilitation services, people often wonder what they are going to do for the rest of their lives. This is where Jo steps in.   Jo is all about connecting people to purpose through inspiration and innovation. Author of The Entrepreneurial Clinician, she is also the Founder and Principal Consultant of PurpleCo - a team of specialist allied health consultants dedicated to helping people who experience injury, illness, and trauma reclaim their lives through work. Jo graduated from the University of Sydney with a Bachelor of Health Science, Rehabilitation Counseling in 1994. Jo is passionate about the health benefits of work and truly believes that everyone has the right to meaningful and rewarding employment. PurpleCo grew out of this belief as a truncated form of PURpose for peoPLE.        Show Highlights:    Allied Health Professionals - a collective of professions including occupational therapists, speech pathologists, physiotherapists, and audiologists. Rehabilitation services help people manage chronic health and chronic sickness. As a Rehabilitation Counselor, Jo helps people learn how to take back their lives. Over the last few years, Jo has been working with Allied Health Professionals, working out who they are, who they serve, and how to create a lifestyle that allows them to do good work. “Good work” - there is no clinical definition of it and it’s a path that everyone needs to go on and define for themselves. When we’re not respected, and don’t have control over our workloads, and when we don’t agree with the outcomes we’re asked to achieve, we burn out. Institutionalized thinking has created a culture of fear among health care professionals, particularly mental health professionals. When this happens, health care workers tend to feel less engaged with our work and question our decision to be a health care professional. When it gets harder and harder to keep going, some people jump into private practice, thinking it will solve their problems, when, in fact, it creates new ones. The day and age of the autocratic, dictatorial boss have come and gone. In the companies we love to support, we can see dynamic, enthusiastic workplaces, with a different approach to management. In companies that offer unlimited annual and sick leave and studies show that workers are not taking advantage of the extra time off, but are actually being more productive. How do you get the best out of me? Don’t undermine me; don’t disrespect me; give me some choice; if my ideas are good, let me own them. Nutrition, giving your brain a break, managing your emotions, managing your social and emotional intelligence, and constructively dealing with managers are all part of taking care of our health at work. Jo discusses 3 key indicators of burnout: Overwhelming fatigue (differentiated from just being tired) that is not resolved through rest   Akin to walking through cement Fatigue can be confused with depression, as fatigue can be a depressive symptom  Incredible need to over-exert and over-work, for fear that somebody finds out that you don’t feel well. (Overcompensate by doing more, being more, i.e. micromanaging, taking on more projects, working longer hours, not taking a vacation, eating at your desk)   Cynicism   There’s a lot of humor around cynicism, but in the case of burnout, it is something that constantly surrounds you, and you start living in this place of worst-case scenario, expecting the worst from every occasion, always expecting to get in trouble. Anger and irritability can accompany the cynicism, and can not only affect you but those around you.   Personal efficacy   When nothing we do feels good enough Work becomes all-consuming, trying to prove that their work is good enough, spending an inordinate amount of time over details There’s a pendulum shift among Gen-X’ers who get frustrated with Millenials, who are seen as lazy. It’s not actually laziness that is being seen but an enormous amount of responsibility that is being thrown at them. Letting work define you is not healthy. People who stick to their job description as a way of self-preservation are often shamed. Changing workplaces if you’re in burn out might be needed in order to get well again. You understand the skills you have, and the work you’re good at, but what’s the environment that’s going to get the best out of you?  Doing a “wheel of life” is a simple therapy tool that can help you reconnect with what you want. Identifying your core values and being true to them helps set boundaries. Prompts: you have a start time and an end time to your day. Choosing a transition activity between work and home. Leaving your work at work. Making small changes, but just one thing at a time. That way, you’re not setting yourself up for failure. Remind yourself of progress, and what wellness looks like. There’s going to be days where you go backward, but look how far you’ve come! Powerful question for men: “What type of role model do you want to be for your kids?” Jo teaches people how to calm down inside, and reset what’s important to them.  Resources: Her Life Unscripted Facebook Page, give it a LIKE!  https://www.facebook.com/herlifeunscripted/ Special Invitation: Shine Retreat is coming up September 27th - 29th, 2019!!  Registration at: https://www.shineretreatforwomen.com/ Email me at info@ShineRetreatforWomen.com to receive a $50 discount code off registration. You can also reach me at anna@herlifeunscripted.com. “Shine Retreat” is limited to 40 women. How to contact Jo:  https://www.purpleco.com.au  https://www.jomuirhead.com  https://www.linkedin.com/in/purpleco/

09: Combating Burnout with Jo Muirhead

Today’s show is going to be about whole-body wellness. I think a lot of what my audience struggles with and what we talk about on the podcasts is the negative loop of being everything for everyone else, and not being able to be anything towards ourselves. The cycle of wanting to give outwardly but not knowing how to give inwardly when we’re called to serve.    My guest today is Diana Rudolph, a self-described “health educator”, and she is a sponsor for the upcoming Shine Retreat. She is an exceptional woman, and I relate to her on so many levels, and learn so much from her.   Join us as we discuss listening to our body’s cues for help, discerning how we need to address it, and actually making that time for ourselves. You’ll also hear about historical and modern uses of essential oils.    Diana is a dōTERRA Essential Oils independent consultant, expert in wellness and health, a wife, mom of 3 kids, a busy professional who’s passionate about empowering people to value their health through holistic and active living. She’s been involved in health and fitness for the last 17 years, serving as an Adjunct Professor of Kinesiology at Azusa Pacific University, a certified fitness trainer and health educator, and an essential oil educator. Diana holds a Master’s Degree in Public Health, a Master’s Degree in Education, and has developed a variety of health promotion and prevention programs designed to combat childhood obesity. She loves teaching about essential oils and other natural solutions to promote overall wellness.   Show Highlights:    Many times, the version of health we see is what the scale says, or how we look on the outside. One of the biggest barriers of women taking care of themselves, is time. Women are natural caretakers. We are so quick to give and serve, and it’s easy to forget to give to yourself. When you’re running on low, you're not able to give your fullest. Instead of taking an hour to exercise, it might be easier to separate it into 4, 15-minute chunks of time.  Anna shares a personal experience from when her twins were born. She was exercising without realizing it because she thought she was just feeding her soul. Discerning what we need, and spending time on things that feeds us, rather than depletes us.  Slowing down enough so we can answer those questions. When we neglect our health, it sabotages the bigger dreams we have for ourselves. Diana recalls her struggles as she was finishing her degree with a young family at  home. Diana enjoys journaling, and likens it to a detox. She can review her written thoughts and find ways to balance her life. Listening to your body’s red flags and signals.  When our heart is hurting when we’ve been through some emotional trauma, our body can respond negatively, as well. Discerning what part of yourself needs help (body/mind/soul). This will look different for everyone. Diana addresses essential oils, natural solutions, and alternative health care, and using nature to help our health in so many ways. There is true, evidenced-based research on this, as well as historical uses, as Diana reveals. Essential oils are very easy to use, and address many issues, but they are not a cure-all. You still need to look at nutritional background and other factors, as well. People start doing these little drops every night and they start noticing significant differences and positive changes, and they’ll want to know what else is available.This is often an introduction to a “health prevention method” and opens their mindset to other health tools, Diana finds. Diana and Anna share how essential oils and other alternative solutions can be complementary to western medicine.          Resources:   Her Life Unscripted Facebook Page, give it a LIKE!  https://www.facebook.com/herlifeunscripted/   Special Invitation: Shine Retreat is coming up September 27th - 29th, 2019!!  Registration at: https://www.shineretreatforwomen.com/ Email me at info@ShineRetreatforWomen.com to receive a $50 discount code off registration. You can also reach me at anna@herlifeunscripted.com. “Shine Retreat” is limited to 40 women.     Follow Diana on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/dianarudulph/ Diana’s doTERRA link: http://my.doterra.com//dianarudulph Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/diana.rudulph Live and virtual lessons!

32: The Toxic Effects of Shame

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